Another throw-up, maybe. Don't want to do anything. Fuck, the whole thing is like a big silly joke. Whatever.
Just wish this fucking 2016 will end up quick enough.
Just wish this fucking 2016 will end up quick enough.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Sunday, October 30, 2016
What the actual f**k ?!
Seriously, now?
"Sapiens dominabitur astris"... you f**king kidding me?
...All this buzz in the "east european" region makes me sick. To Hell with you!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
On Hold
Hey there.
I'm still alive so far (maybe those are not the best words available, but it feels like appropriate ones). I don't actively do anything on my social network pages or this little place of misery here, but I'm still around. Maybe this is due to I'm a bit tired of all the repeating thoughts cycling in my mind. I am not really sure; but, however, it's not that I keep silence so I wouldn't embarrass myself. I think, soon enough I won't be worrying about that at all. Life gets more and more ridiculous on a massive scale. Like, all those sh!tty TV shows and godawful videos on web. People do some really fkd up things, and I do understand I'm still in a fine distance away from that (that's what I'm grateful). Little things that I post here are of no importance whatsoever in a world where parents can shoot down own children on a sunday morning.
...but in the meantime,
I can't help but sense that something big is going on. It might as well be nothing, but the whole situation around the world is getting a bit too dramatic. The whole US presidency thing and the mass hysteria around my country in particular, and many many other things that are way less visible but still out there.
That being said, I really want (I really do) to sit down and type some thoughts down, but the things is... I barely get the mood needed. Somehow it's getting hard to get around and form some cool-looking sentences. More than this; I have an idea in my mind to put down some of my childhood nightmares and other stuff, just for the sake of remembering it better later myself, and I have this idea for like 3-4 months; still, I can't pull it together and just sit down and do it.
Usually I got virtually no troubles writing walls of text, but this time it just falls apart. There have been many times when I can't even walk up to my computer. And other times I just forget all about it and go play some sh!tty games like CoD Ghosts.
In short conclusion
I want to get back on the "weird stuff" because there are a few things I want to throw out and kind of document here, I just need to get in the right mood. In reality (whatever that means), I'm still sitting by the ocean waiting for that job and there's little to no chance I'm getting it. Damn.
See ya soon
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Ding!
Finally something new
Alright, alright, I get it: this day was something special. In fact, it's the dawn of something much more bizarre and beautiful. You remember how some weird sh*t started to pop out in this so-called Blog? Oh, I fully understand why that happened right about now. I will no longer hold myself, so I'll be as poetic as I need to be: how could I have been so blind?! I had to wait until it would just hit my eyes with a baseball bat, isn't it? It's all so funny.
I figured something. I was kept in a f@%*ing loophole for more than 10 years, and what for? The time has come to spice things up. I no longer need to find any excuses. I can go full berserk on this sh*t.
The descent into madness
It's a pretty damn common thing. Someone said (supposedly Shakespeare): the world is a theatre and we all are actors. F*ck, I even thought I need to double-check if it's the actual quote (it's not), well, guess what f*cking happened?! Oh f*ck yeah: I saw an owl.
...there was a plenty of other pictures as well, but does my experience force me to pay attention to those? Of course not. It's still this playful thing, just as before. I see how certain things come to this illusionary stage in a bright light, while other decorations fade to black all of a sudden. And I know it's not just me who makes this beatiful play, but it's only me who will understand. This way, I'd like to flip this supposed Shakespeare saying. No, it's not the world that is a stage. It's us, men and women, that are the stage; and the world plays many parts in each and single one of us.
...I guess there's a subtle reason why exactly I was born on April.
Who is the master who makes the grass green?
Now, I spoke earlier that I have no power over this world. That is true, but here's a correction: that doesn't mean I cannot change certain parts of it. And more specifically, this does not mean I cannot control the map of this world in my freakish head.
I do not pretend to be some kind of a wise owl myself, f@*k no! I don't understand anything. I only have interpretations, which are, in their respective ways, purely subjective. Does this still sound meaningful, or it's just this static noise everyone produces? Guess I'll never care about that anymore.
Maybe I am not a good pupil after all, but one way or another, I have to thank all my teachers. My family, my friends, neighbours, enemies, strangers (remote and local alike). I must also include the ones who are no longer in this mortal world in flesh and bone, but in words and deeds, rather. Come to think about it, it was quite a difficult job, but you guys pulled it off. Thanks!
...What's up next?
Well, I have to say this: the future appears to be much brighter now. You know how I always refused to listen to all this crap about how I should live? All of my teachers have their own point of view in one prospect or another, but why do I have to only pick one?! They're all right and they're all wrong. The proportion and the momentum are the only things that matter. So, this is what lies ahead: a good game to play.
You know I'm a gamer, right? A new game just started. I cannot say I came unprepared for it, though: I had to play a few demo levels in the past. Now it's only getting wider, that's it. And there won't be any checkpoints or save/load bullsh*t, we're doing a single playthrough this time around. I don't need to create anything new. Instead, I have to open the doors that were locked up. I need to set my demons free and let my angels sing their songs. Poetic, is it not? I am going to set all of it loose and see what happens. All the puzzle pieces are on the table now. This is a major step to take, but we don't have a choice, in fact.
...What is better, indeed? Better a witty fool than a foolish wit? To remain in sanity and fill the cup with all this misery and suffering that certainly floats around, or let your mind be free as the wind and fill your life with motions instead? I have already found an answer, and today I am awake to accept it. It's how that song says, "we will never survive, unless we get a little crazy". And I am taking this pill, even if it kills me. Because even if I die, will that change anything?
Our new journey just began.
Will it eventually come together at the end...?
So, it's been quite some time.
I wonder how much longer will it take. Last morning was one of the worst mornings I had for about an year. There are multiple ways "The Universe" could remind you how pathetic and pointless your life is; pissing yourself is one of those. ...Yeah. that sounds f@%*ing awful. I did not spend much time thinking about whether I should or should not share details like that one above, but - heck! - I'll die sooner or later so does it matter?
Human experience did not presented me with much miracles so far, rather constantly reminding me of the nature of my temporary existence. It's not that I wake up in my own filth all the time, this doesn't happen all too often (thankfully), but I still have my stomach to feed, my teeth to brush, cuticles to cut, and so forth.
In this constant process of these vicious cycles, you sooner or later realise that you, yourself, is a disposable thing. It's not long before your body will be destructed and consumed, one way or another. I have to live with this idea right from my birth, knowing I will end up dead. I have to keep in mind that my existence and my consciousness will end up eventually, and this is an axiom; you don't need to prove this.
OK, there is that edge we approach right about now, where it gets strange. First off, I'd like to state that I am fully aware that I am not the most suffering creature on this godforsaken planet. Of course, I do realise that there have been (and will be, presumably) those who are suffering harder than me. Someone who was drained of hope, who witnessed their beloved ones die, who endured terrible acts of violence. It's a pretty simple idea, but it still doesn't help you out. Why? Because when speaking about such subjects as the "meaning of life", you will only talk about yours and only yours subjective view of the matter, so you cannot tap into someone else's at full.
...With that out of the way, let me continue. So. I am in my twenties, and I got nothing. I still have no job (if that is not obvious enough), I have no money in the bank, no cornerstones and no achievements. All I got is my father paying my bills, my mother who is often too forgiving and my little brother who still is too young. Now, I could have been a pretty happy man, I suppose. That did not happen, however, and on the top of that - I am not alone. In fact, I was quite surprised to discover that there are lots and lots of folks of both genders with thoughts similar to those of my mind. I mean, I always knew about goths, ok? but this is different.
In fact, a large part of Earth's population is not just "sad", but in a severe depression, all the while their lives are in an approximate middle of the average lifespan. Many of them even have a job, a family, a good position in social structures. But they still have to bear this whole "suffering" feeling. Why? If we all know what we are coming towards in each individual "journey" (because me personally don't know any single case of someone who came back from the dead; maybe these accounts are just too well hidden), where's the point of pushing forward?
Now I'd like to make a little detour. Just a few days ago, one of my all-time favourite artists released the new music album. I strongly feel like this is one of those cases where I must say this event was of utter importance to me. This is something that helps to live, in general. Somehow this music always helped me to seal off my worst intentions. There are lots and lots of details I'd like to come around when speaking about this given music artist, but I'll save it for a better time.
This album reminded me that there's still hope. I spoke about such theme before, so I gonna have to repeat myself, but anyway. We should do our best to try and live our lives no matter how hard it hits. To say the least, each life is an opportunity: maybe your kid is a great musician, but we'll never know if he commits suicide, right? I guess we need to get our sh*t together so we secure these chances, not just give up and waste the potential. A bullet to the head is the easiest solution, but is this valuable?
This is one of the reasons why we are still here as species. If we all come to the point where all hope is lost, that will be the end of humanity. Until then, each and single one of us has his/her(its?) right to take the chances. I guess this is also an easy thought experiment; too bad some people never had their chance to believe in this.
I take too many things from outside world personally. At some degree, everything I ever percieved is completely personal. However, it's not that this whole wretched world is under my full control. Damn, I couldn't even commit suicide -- Why? The main reason at this point of time is my brother. He just doesn't deserve this. I don't want this situation to arise where his brother was a 20-something years old bastard who did not have the nerve to stay strong and just killed himself. What kind of f@%*ing example is that?! And also, things I described in previous piece of text. One day or another, the moment will come anyway, why do I have to make it all faster? more than that, even while I never comitted a serious crime, I bet I still got quite a company of people who would like to get rid of me. How do I know if they could or could not succeed? Ha ha ha.
So, it's another case where I sat down to my old computer and typed some stupid words that I don't even use to the fullest (I mean, I am not that good with English). I tried to express what I feel. I do this again and again, as you may guess, and it never works. I am not unique in my quest to find out what this whole "life" phenomenon even means. There have been many and many others all around the world who shared their visions, their views, their hopes and their bullsh*t too. I have to keep that in mind, as well as I have to keep in mind that I might die literally any minute, from whatever the f*ck reason there might be, so I am - up to this day and furthermore, if I'm lucky - trying to guess will it ever have a proper ending sequence.
All my actions, as small as they are, lead somewhere. I refuse to think otherwise. I used to, but by realising you're a little noname with no fate of any sort, why won't you just go dig a hole and die there? Right? Therefore, I must live on. Whatever little pathetic creature I am. I have my health issues, big and small, but I am still here and alive. I happen to be a 24 years old thin human with troubled skin right now, but what if I might become something more meaningful? There's still a place for dreams even in a heart as small and rotten as mine.
Nothing changes much. Nothing persists.
I wonder how much longer will it take. Last morning was one of the worst mornings I had for about an year. There are multiple ways "The Universe" could remind you how pathetic and pointless your life is; pissing yourself is one of those. ...Yeah. that sounds f@%*ing awful. I did not spend much time thinking about whether I should or should not share details like that one above, but - heck! - I'll die sooner or later so does it matter?
Human experience did not presented me with much miracles so far, rather constantly reminding me of the nature of my temporary existence. It's not that I wake up in my own filth all the time, this doesn't happen all too often (thankfully), but I still have my stomach to feed, my teeth to brush, cuticles to cut, and so forth.
In this constant process of these vicious cycles, you sooner or later realise that you, yourself, is a disposable thing. It's not long before your body will be destructed and consumed, one way or another. I have to live with this idea right from my birth, knowing I will end up dead. I have to keep in mind that my existence and my consciousness will end up eventually, and this is an axiom; you don't need to prove this.
Then why do I have to keep suffering?
OK, there is that edge we approach right about now, where it gets strange. First off, I'd like to state that I am fully aware that I am not the most suffering creature on this godforsaken planet. Of course, I do realise that there have been (and will be, presumably) those who are suffering harder than me. Someone who was drained of hope, who witnessed their beloved ones die, who endured terrible acts of violence. It's a pretty simple idea, but it still doesn't help you out. Why? Because when speaking about such subjects as the "meaning of life", you will only talk about yours and only yours subjective view of the matter, so you cannot tap into someone else's at full.
...With that out of the way, let me continue. So. I am in my twenties, and I got nothing. I still have no job (if that is not obvious enough), I have no money in the bank, no cornerstones and no achievements. All I got is my father paying my bills, my mother who is often too forgiving and my little brother who still is too young. Now, I could have been a pretty happy man, I suppose. That did not happen, however, and on the top of that - I am not alone. In fact, I was quite surprised to discover that there are lots and lots of folks of both genders with thoughts similar to those of my mind. I mean, I always knew about goths, ok? but this is different.
In fact, a large part of Earth's population is not just "sad", but in a severe depression, all the while their lives are in an approximate middle of the average lifespan. Many of them even have a job, a family, a good position in social structures. But they still have to bear this whole "suffering" feeling. Why? If we all know what we are coming towards in each individual "journey" (because me personally don't know any single case of someone who came back from the dead; maybe these accounts are just too well hidden), where's the point of pushing forward?
Endure
Now I'd like to make a little detour. Just a few days ago, one of my all-time favourite artists released the new music album. I strongly feel like this is one of those cases where I must say this event was of utter importance to me. This is something that helps to live, in general. Somehow this music always helped me to seal off my worst intentions. There are lots and lots of details I'd like to come around when speaking about this given music artist, but I'll save it for a better time.
This album reminded me that there's still hope. I spoke about such theme before, so I gonna have to repeat myself, but anyway. We should do our best to try and live our lives no matter how hard it hits. To say the least, each life is an opportunity: maybe your kid is a great musician, but we'll never know if he commits suicide, right? I guess we need to get our sh*t together so we secure these chances, not just give up and waste the potential. A bullet to the head is the easiest solution, but is this valuable?
This is one of the reasons why we are still here as species. If we all come to the point where all hope is lost, that will be the end of humanity. Until then, each and single one of us has his/her(its?) right to take the chances. I guess this is also an easy thought experiment; too bad some people never had their chance to believe in this.
Back to me
I take too many things from outside world personally. At some degree, everything I ever percieved is completely personal. However, it's not that this whole wretched world is under my full control. Damn, I couldn't even commit suicide -- Why? The main reason at this point of time is my brother. He just doesn't deserve this. I don't want this situation to arise where his brother was a 20-something years old bastard who did not have the nerve to stay strong and just killed himself. What kind of f@%*ing example is that?! And also, things I described in previous piece of text. One day or another, the moment will come anyway, why do I have to make it all faster? more than that, even while I never comitted a serious crime, I bet I still got quite a company of people who would like to get rid of me. How do I know if they could or could not succeed? Ha ha ha.
So, it's another case where I sat down to my old computer and typed some stupid words that I don't even use to the fullest (I mean, I am not that good with English). I tried to express what I feel. I do this again and again, as you may guess, and it never works. I am not unique in my quest to find out what this whole "life" phenomenon even means. There have been many and many others all around the world who shared their visions, their views, their hopes and their bullsh*t too. I have to keep that in mind, as well as I have to keep in mind that I might die literally any minute, from whatever the f*ck reason there might be, so I am - up to this day and furthermore, if I'm lucky - trying to guess will it ever have a proper ending sequence.
All my actions, as small as they are, lead somewhere. I refuse to think otherwise. I used to, but by realising you're a little noname with no fate of any sort, why won't you just go dig a hole and die there? Right? Therefore, I must live on. Whatever little pathetic creature I am. I have my health issues, big and small, but I am still here and alive. I happen to be a 24 years old thin human with troubled skin right now, but what if I might become something more meaningful? There's still a place for dreams even in a heart as small and rotten as mine.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Much stuff going on, quick brush
...In few words,
My grandmother went missing and was nowhere to be found for three days. This happened right after her birthday at July, the 3rd. Whole family was worried, especially her daughter (who is my mom). At last, three days later grandmother was found by an ambulance team, on the street. She told her name and where she lives so they brought her back.
This happened in other city (I live in Saint-Petersburg while both of my grandmothers live in different cities far in the approximate "middle" of the country map). My mother took a flight and been there with her mother for about a week.
My grandmother is 83 years old. Things like that never occured in her life, as far as I know.
Afterwards,
As my mom was there, her mobile phone started to act bizarre. There was a delay in SMS delivery, and ocassionaly it just wouldn't work at all. When she got back, sometimes it even said that "the subscriber is temporarily unavailable" while she was next to me and was able to phonecall somebody herself (that means she could send a call but not able to receive an incoming call from a person in the same room). I still can't figure out if that's just a carrier glitch. No idea.
And then I decided to check my Winduvs Event Log.
There was a huge, major load of seemingly identical errors coming from the Nukio Suite application. There was also a trouble with registry, and some errors that I just don't have any background info on (gogoling did not gave good results). I already said I'm not a gearhead, but it doesn't take to be a gearhead to suspect something is not right. So we discussed it and decided to get her a new mobile phone (or smartphone, whatever) /*her phone is actually pretty old anyway*/. I uninstalled the application as well as connectivity driver tonight. No errors so far.
I can't get solid answer to what that is, but I can definately say that I am starting to feel paranoic about stuff like this. She never had that kind of trouble with her phone before /*on the second thought, sometime the mobile web connection started by itself, but I always thought it's just mom pressed some buttons unintentionally*/. Whatever goes on, it's better to "switch cars".
I want to write more, but - for whatever reasons - it is kind of hard to pull myself in order to type texts. I want to go over some speculations on recent events (much sh~t happened on a globe scale) as well as to document some of my earliest memories on "odd".
On to the next day.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Keep a journal?
Hello once again.
Nothing really changed regarding my position in social system (embarrassed or not, here I am). In fact, the last post I wrote this May might have been the last for a while, marking a perfect one year circle of this blog before it eventually dies out. But who am I fooling here? Sooner or later I'll be back to write another thing, here or there.
Since December, 2015, my life got pretty much a mess. I already described before how I break my day/night cycles and end up watching/listening some "koo koo" stuff. I have been wondering does this have any meaning at all at some point ever since. At one perspective, I am on a railway to madness. On the other hand, this could be quite the opposite. It all depends on how you look at it.
Some people think life is about making money, buying stuff, eating food, having a good sleep, sex, health, whatever. And that's about it. I guess you could say they stop searching for something other than basic aspects of this life. Who could blame them for this? They have kids to raise, parents to take care of, cats to feed, you name it. However, this doesn't mean these people not having the "weird stuff going on". In most cases (as far as I am concerned), happen they spot something out of the ordinary (far out), they either: a)try to categorize the event as something normal and explainable; or b)try to forget the experience and pretend it never happened. I guess this is what happened to me as well, more or less.
Now, it's very egoistic in a sense, but I think I have dismissed a lot of strange stuff like that. And it's me, who always loved "weird" things since my early years. Most of the people who knew me from school years will prove that I am not from the crowd. However, if you don't want to be kicked out of society, you gotta quit talking about certain things so others won't label you as a complete lunatic and weirdo.
With all of that being said, I would say yes, I had weird stuff going on. Maybe it's not as "flashy" as before, not as theatrical, but it's still there. Recent thoughts on this really had me to go on to write down everything, but it feels out of my reach right now. I'll try to focus on a few fresh tides and maybe portray them in a right way for history.
One of the weird connections that has emerged in my neural network was the whole idea of "hacking". I mean, the computer hacking (or slicing). I was never really into programming in the first place, so I hardly understand how hacking actually works. I have a very basic concept of how data stealing is performed or how some programs could be used in order to trace user's actions. Like phishing, keyloggers, trojans and stuff like that. I only knew about hackers from media, all the while I had a few rare ocassions where my computer was infected with a virus (two times I guess; both situations occured thanks to online porn).
I am not a caveman when it comes to use of PCs, and yet I understand I am far outmatched by many others who know how to write the code. So, one way or another, I expect hacking to be quite an interesting and difficult thing. Not my cup of tea, however. What I did not expect at all was that it could intertwine with my "weird stuff" "library".
It started when my mother's social network page was hacked. I described this in detail in one of my previous posts. So then, few days later, I got an owl in a movie about hackers (again, described in that same post). I guess the filmmakers had their own reasons to put it there, but the timing when I saw this couldn't be better.
Another spot was actually pretty funny as it was in a game, in a specific location. In fact, it was your character's hideout, so I could have noticed it from the beginning (but I did not). It was only later on, after a few good chat talks, when I saw the name of the motel where Aiden had his hardware:
Do I need to bring up the game's catch phrase? "Everything is connected". I must say, it all seems silly for me as I write it down. But, silly or not, something behind all these words and images still make my brain go bananas, if it even makes sense. I also want to point out that a few of the many - I am not sure how to call it - symbols? - are being overused right now. This will include the number 23 as well as the "eye in the pyramid". I will take about that in some other post.
I was listening to podcasts as I was playing MGSV:TPP early on this morning (did not sleep the night again) and it lead me further with wondering, so I stopped MGS and, instead, turned utub on, because I remembered that the host of the show that I recently discovered said they gonna talk about RAW in one of the next episodes. Haven't found what I was looking for specifically, I started to listen to another podcast on this channel.
The guest, Jeff Ritzmann, talked about some really bizzare experiences he had in his youth. I haven't got to the end of it, because I had a very clear reason to stop right in the middle and get here to this crappy blog: /*here it is*/ In the 2nd part of the show (a separate video), I decided I would like to minimize utub and go back to gaming. The game I suddenly decided to play was Peggle Deluxe. It was perfectly minimalistic, as I played it in a window, with all sound volume toned down, so I could easily follow with what were people on the show discussing. So, here I am, playing Peggle while listening the podcast where man talks about the very "weird stuff". Just as I finish another level and starting to go to another 'Peggle Master", he says: "...Keep a journal" "this is crucial". Ok, guess what I see on my screen at the very same time I hear these words? Yeah, an owl.
That's a screenshot from my desktop (yes, I have Quiet "Cloaked in Silence" promo as my wallpaper, I am that much basement dweller). I haven't checked out what this "zen ball" ability is yet, as I immediately switched to my browser and opened my blog to write this down. Just once again, timing was perfect. I bought "Peggle Deluxe" on this year's stim summer sale, while it was stuck in my wishlist for more than 4 years. I was stuck with this "dragon master" and I managed to beat his levels in the adventure mode precisely while listening to this specific point of the podcast, and I got an owl right in my monitor where he /*the "Owl Peggle Master"*/ (let's pretend?) says "Our journey will take us where we are meant to be. Or maybe next door. Close enough". This was funny. But it was funny and beyond, because I doubt any other person in the world will get this joke as I did at that moment.
...I understand this looks cheap and cheesy, or even worse -- senseless. As for me, those are very nice jokes that require some background to be appreciated. "Inside jokes". I must also state here, pretty clear, that all the "weird stuff" is hard to come across for some people, but it doesn't mean it don't deserve respect. All around the globe, throught history, people will have those "mystical experiences". Some will tell they hear voices, some will tell they saw UFOs or lights in the sky, or a Bigfoot. People still, up to this day, easily dismiss most of the stories. However, there is some ground under these different stories, and something is definately at play. I'll be honest: few years back I'd probably twist a finger at a temple, but now I am much more open. I am eager to know more of these stories from real experiencers. And what I see more and more often, is that many of us had weird synchronicities or "paranormal activity" in our lives, but we won't talk about it because of the fear to get ridiculed. Well, guess what? I don't fear this anymore.
What I fear now is that I could lose my mind. That's not much funny, if you ask me.
Nothing really changed regarding my position in social system (embarrassed or not, here I am). In fact, the last post I wrote this May might have been the last for a while, marking a perfect one year circle of this blog before it eventually dies out. But who am I fooling here? Sooner or later I'll be back to write another thing, here or there.
Weird stuff going on?
Since December, 2015, my life got pretty much a mess. I already described before how I break my day/night cycles and end up watching/listening some "koo koo" stuff. I have been wondering does this have any meaning at all at some point ever since. At one perspective, I am on a railway to madness. On the other hand, this could be quite the opposite. It all depends on how you look at it.
Some people think life is about making money, buying stuff, eating food, having a good sleep, sex, health, whatever. And that's about it. I guess you could say they stop searching for something other than basic aspects of this life. Who could blame them for this? They have kids to raise, parents to take care of, cats to feed, you name it. However, this doesn't mean these people not having the "weird stuff going on". In most cases (as far as I am concerned), happen they spot something out of the ordinary (far out), they either: a)try to categorize the event as something normal and explainable; or b)try to forget the experience and pretend it never happened. I guess this is what happened to me as well, more or less.
Now, it's very egoistic in a sense, but I think I have dismissed a lot of strange stuff like that. And it's me, who always loved "weird" things since my early years. Most of the people who knew me from school years will prove that I am not from the crowd. However, if you don't want to be kicked out of society, you gotta quit talking about certain things so others won't label you as a complete lunatic and weirdo.
With all of that being said, I would say yes, I had weird stuff going on. Maybe it's not as "flashy" as before, not as theatrical, but it's still there. Recent thoughts on this really had me to go on to write down everything, but it feels out of my reach right now. I'll try to focus on a few fresh tides and maybe portray them in a right way for history.
Hackers, owls and the summer sale.
One of the weird connections that has emerged in my neural network was the whole idea of "hacking". I mean, the computer hacking (or slicing). I was never really into programming in the first place, so I hardly understand how hacking actually works. I have a very basic concept of how data stealing is performed or how some programs could be used in order to trace user's actions. Like phishing, keyloggers, trojans and stuff like that. I only knew about hackers from media, all the while I had a few rare ocassions where my computer was infected with a virus (two times I guess; both situations occured thanks to online porn).
I am not a caveman when it comes to use of PCs, and yet I understand I am far outmatched by many others who know how to write the code. So, one way or another, I expect hacking to be quite an interesting and difficult thing. Not my cup of tea, however. What I did not expect at all was that it could intertwine with my "weird stuff" "library".
It started when my mother's social network page was hacked. I described this in detail in one of my previous posts. So then, few days later, I got an owl in a movie about hackers (again, described in that same post). I guess the filmmakers had their own reasons to put it there, but the timing when I saw this couldn't be better.
Another spot was actually pretty funny as it was in a game, in a specific location. In fact, it was your character's hideout, so I could have noticed it from the beginning (but I did not). It was only later on, after a few good chat talks, when I saw the name of the motel where Aiden had his hardware:
Do I need to bring up the game's catch phrase? "Everything is connected". I must say, it all seems silly for me as I write it down. But, silly or not, something behind all these words and images still make my brain go bananas, if it even makes sense. I also want to point out that a few of the many - I am not sure how to call it - symbols? - are being overused right now. This will include the number 23 as well as the "eye in the pyramid". I will take about that in some other post.
(continuing)
I was listening to podcasts as I was playing MGSV:TPP early on this morning (did not sleep the night again) and it lead me further with wondering, so I stopped MGS and, instead, turned utub on, because I remembered that the host of the show that I recently discovered said they gonna talk about RAW in one of the next episodes. Haven't found what I was looking for specifically, I started to listen to another podcast on this channel.
The guest, Jeff Ritzmann, talked about some really bizzare experiences he had in his youth. I haven't got to the end of it, because I had a very clear reason to stop right in the middle and get here to this crappy blog: /*here it is*/ In the 2nd part of the show (a separate video), I decided I would like to minimize utub and go back to gaming. The game I suddenly decided to play was Peggle Deluxe. It was perfectly minimalistic, as I played it in a window, with all sound volume toned down, so I could easily follow with what were people on the show discussing. So, here I am, playing Peggle while listening the podcast where man talks about the very "weird stuff". Just as I finish another level and starting to go to another 'Peggle Master", he says: "...Keep a journal" "this is crucial". Ok, guess what I see on my screen at the very same time I hear these words? Yeah, an owl.
That's a screenshot from my desktop (yes, I have Quiet "Cloaked in Silence" promo as my wallpaper, I am that much basement dweller). I haven't checked out what this "zen ball" ability is yet, as I immediately switched to my browser and opened my blog to write this down. Just once again, timing was perfect. I bought "Peggle Deluxe" on this year's stim summer sale, while it was stuck in my wishlist for more than 4 years. I was stuck with this "dragon master" and I managed to beat his levels in the adventure mode precisely while listening to this specific point of the podcast, and I got an owl right in my monitor where he /*the "Owl Peggle Master"*/ (let's pretend?) says "Our journey will take us where we are meant to be. Or maybe next door. Close enough". This was funny. But it was funny and beyond, because I doubt any other person in the world will get this joke as I did at that moment.
Blewrgh...
...I understand this looks cheap and cheesy, or even worse -- senseless. As for me, those are very nice jokes that require some background to be appreciated. "Inside jokes". I must also state here, pretty clear, that all the "weird stuff" is hard to come across for some people, but it doesn't mean it don't deserve respect. All around the globe, throught history, people will have those "mystical experiences". Some will tell they hear voices, some will tell they saw UFOs or lights in the sky, or a Bigfoot. People still, up to this day, easily dismiss most of the stories. However, there is some ground under these different stories, and something is definately at play. I'll be honest: few years back I'd probably twist a finger at a temple, but now I am much more open. I am eager to know more of these stories from real experiencers. And what I see more and more often, is that many of us had weird synchronicities or "paranormal activity" in our lives, but we won't talk about it because of the fear to get ridiculed. Well, guess what? I don't fear this anymore.
What I fear now is that I could lose my mind. That's not much funny, if you ask me.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Summer's soon
...and I am just in the very same room as before.
In the meantime, I was rather surprised (yet again) how much polluted a human mind could be. So much hate, and for what reasons? A female singer leaves a rather sweaty-dirty-drunk "music band" and starts doing solo records. Publishing her first track, no trace of what has been done previously in career -- simple words, no swearing, calm "synth-pop" arrangement and simplistic "inspired by 80s" video. The vid hits 200k views on utub and about 2k "likes". And nearly 10k dislikes. Nice.
What the f@#k, seriously? Where's the reason for this negativity? I can certainly agree that the video was kind of silly, and lyrics might feel awkward... And yet still, who the f@#k told you it should be something else? I just can't let go that feeling that it's just a plain and simple "hate train" follow-up from that f@#king band's "fan base", and nothing more. I don't comprehend what could be achieved with such an approach. This is just f@#ked up, man.
Another example of how that sh!t works is the recent CoD reveal trailer. And before I say anything else: I did not like that video too. It just did not feel good. At all. But what's funny is that all the other people, throughout the globe, would just do the same thing and press the "thumbs down" button just for the fun of it. Why not? It's already knee-deep in hate, let's make it even funnier, shall we?
...And all of this makes me produce some ~neurochemicals~ in my body that would make me feel angry in return, because I just SEE that this is the same sh!t repeating over and over -- a patern, self-reproducting in any suitable and non-suitable form. Opinions may vary, everyone knows that. But for some f@#king reason, should some punk ass start a riot - whatever the situation is - all other idiots around are likely to join, often w/o any recollection of what's going on. Just this: "ah, f@#k, let's do this!".
You don't even need to proccess anything. Just believe you hate something. A song, a singer, a trailer, a company, a government, a nation, or the whole fkn world! Reasons are always there. Some are more appealing than others, but in the end - everything hits a dead end. Any road of violence will lead to more violence. And this lesson was repeated so many times, I cannot grasp how much. With that tremendous amount of hatred, how in the world we're still alive? And why?
I guess all of that "outcast" state of my life situation just pushed me to think this over again, again, and again. Things that I've found relaxing and amusing aren't the same anymore. Even the whole "spiritual" "esoteric" and "what-else-it-might-have-been-called" stuff just stopped popping. My brain feels like a swamp often. I can't do anything about from as far as I see. I wish I could... There's something good in all of this violence and absurdity, but you have to pull yourself together in order to touch it.
One other thing, apart from how to deal with all the fkn anxiety and social disorders and sh!t like that, is the question why is it so hard to just let go hate and stop boil it over? There are much more benefits of remaining neutral to certain events rather than going fist fighting where it doesn't need to be done. For some reason, to hurt is much easier than to help. Something twisted is going on with the universe if it works this way - because it will ultimately lead to a self-annihilation. But that's a subject for all different kind of philosophers out there - I am just a junkie "lost soul" type of a guy, a son that is still in his playground.
Maybe all the mysterious talks and paranormal stuff is there with us for a reason. Just as the stories about flying saucers fuel the interest to continue to look around in the night sky. Maybe we're all lost souls and we forgot what it feels like to dream big and to have hope. Oh, and also maybe that's the reason that vid from Twenty One Pilots just hit 367 millions of views.
Whatever, man
In the meantime, I was rather surprised (yet again) how much polluted a human mind could be. So much hate, and for what reasons? A female singer leaves a rather sweaty-dirty-drunk "music band" and starts doing solo records. Publishing her first track, no trace of what has been done previously in career -- simple words, no swearing, calm "synth-pop" arrangement and simplistic "inspired by 80s" video. The vid hits 200k views on utub and about 2k "likes". And nearly 10k dislikes. Nice.
What the f@#k, seriously? Where's the reason for this negativity? I can certainly agree that the video was kind of silly, and lyrics might feel awkward... And yet still, who the f@#k told you it should be something else? I just can't let go that feeling that it's just a plain and simple "hate train" follow-up from that f@#king band's "fan base", and nothing more. I don't comprehend what could be achieved with such an approach. This is just f@#ked up, man.
Another example of how that sh!t works is the recent CoD reveal trailer. And before I say anything else: I did not like that video too. It just did not feel good. At all. But what's funny is that all the other people, throughout the globe, would just do the same thing and press the "thumbs down" button just for the fun of it. Why not? It's already knee-deep in hate, let's make it even funnier, shall we?
...And all of this makes me produce some ~neurochemicals~ in my body that would make me feel angry in return, because I just SEE that this is the same sh!t repeating over and over -- a patern, self-reproducting in any suitable and non-suitable form. Opinions may vary, everyone knows that. But for some f@#king reason, should some punk ass start a riot - whatever the situation is - all other idiots around are likely to join, often w/o any recollection of what's going on. Just this: "ah, f@#k, let's do this!".
The simplicity of this kills me.
You don't even need to proccess anything. Just believe you hate something. A song, a singer, a trailer, a company, a government, a nation, or the whole fkn world! Reasons are always there. Some are more appealing than others, but in the end - everything hits a dead end. Any road of violence will lead to more violence. And this lesson was repeated so many times, I cannot grasp how much. With that tremendous amount of hatred, how in the world we're still alive? And why?
I guess all of that "outcast" state of my life situation just pushed me to think this over again, again, and again. Things that I've found relaxing and amusing aren't the same anymore. Even the whole "spiritual" "esoteric" and "what-else-it-might-have-been-called" stuff just stopped popping. My brain feels like a swamp often. I can't do anything about from as far as I see. I wish I could... There's something good in all of this violence and absurdity, but you have to pull yourself together in order to touch it.
One other thing, apart from how to deal with all the fkn anxiety and social disorders and sh!t like that, is the question why is it so hard to just let go hate and stop boil it over? There are much more benefits of remaining neutral to certain events rather than going fist fighting where it doesn't need to be done. For some reason, to hurt is much easier than to help. Something twisted is going on with the universe if it works this way - because it will ultimately lead to a self-annihilation. But that's a subject for all different kind of philosophers out there - I am just a junkie "lost soul" type of a guy, a son that is still in his playground.
Maybe all the mysterious talks and paranormal stuff is there with us for a reason. Just as the stories about flying saucers fuel the interest to continue to look around in the night sky. Maybe we're all lost souls and we forgot what it feels like to dream big and to have hope. Oh, and also maybe that's the reason that vid from Twenty One Pilots just hit 367 millions of views.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Jokes on me
Hello again, dumbell!
Argh... It's even a bit painful. But yes, here I am again. I don't know what the heck is happening to me. It might be spring fever, or I am continiously losing my mind. Whatever. At this point, I start not to care for such determinations. I'll just post quickly what's been ringing in the back of my head, literally minutes ago.
As Short As Possible
I'll be quick here. On April, 5th, I was a guest at friend's place (who phonecalled me on 4th's morning, waking me up), and, since we're very close friends, I went over my recent experiences, and the whole blogging thing, and interwebs as a whole. I'm always very honest and open with this guy, because he values our friendship, and, basically, always ready to hear me out.
I mentioned that idea about internet as a thing that develops it's own ties with reality around it and events that happen in life, like if it had own consciousness /*sounds cheesy AF, huh?*/ or, rather, becoming a wider, open form of "collective consciousness". Now, I heard this theme brought about in one of those podcasts that I've been listening to while playing MGSV:TPP. We talked about it briefly, but not dwelve into the subject all much.
Tonight, within last few hours...
...I re-visited Mike Clelland's blog to check for any new posts. There was, in fact, a new post - just about 50 minutes before I arrived. It was a short note, where the man asks readers to help and repair any broken links to audio interviews. "I am asking for your help. If anyone finds that they cannot click on a link and bring up an audio file, please let me know." /*direct copypaste quote.*/. So I decided: "OK, lemme pick a few podcasts to download, and I'll see if there is anything I could report". And I opened up a podcast page "October of 2009".
Now, as I always do, I tried to download the audio to put it into MGSV:TPP and play it from the game. Guess what happened. Yes, the link did not work. There was an in-built player plugin on the page, so, for some reason, I started to listen to it. It's a rather very "deep waters" podcast that I've listened to, very personal. But... I could certainly relate to many of the subjects of that audio.
After finishing the audio, I did what is "clicking a few links", I read some of the comments, and stuff throughout the blog. Can't tell if there was something I should've memorize here, just not sure. Anyway... The next thing I want to document is that I - somehow - reached the blog post titled "neuron-like nature of the internet". I've read it, and read comments. Oh... Why did they have to bring that "Internet Ouija Board" thing?! Damn.
...And I tried the "Internet Ouija Board".
I've reached the point where I just stop putting logic and rational analysis, that night. I think it doesn't do anything at all. I may be, pretty much, making it all up. And (I will repeat myself again here), it's a hundred times harder if "you're not me". I was tackling all the weird coincedence stuff since early my years. Sometimes it's just funny, other times it's very heavy, and, at times, even scary. I just felt it was too unrealistic. But I liked that idea of internet like a sentient mind, so I just asked it. Yes, as stupid as this might be. Look at the results.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
03-04-2016, or 04-03-2016 if u're from US
Hi there. /*This post probably will beat the record and become the largest and longest post in this whole blog to the date.*/
Something bothered me, so I just (like many times) end up here doing those silly typos in the blog I created. Well, I guess there is some kind of reason behind that, I am just not sure what that is. Some part of me tells that it's just plainly b*tching of a pretty dissatisfied and unhappy man who can't get on his feet. On the other hand, there's a part of me that says it's something bigger than just egocentric poetry.
Since my childhood (and it's almost an estabilished fact that everything that happened in early years will shape your life to the very end of it, and it won't change all that much, no matter how hard you try to reconsider it) I've been kind of fascinated by the word "Arizona". To the time, I did not even know for sure what that meant, it was just a word on my clothes that were apparently from "second hand" /*or maybe I'm making this up, shoulda ask my mom*/. I had two "suits" which were, basically, a pair of cloth pants and long-sleeve shirts, that were identical in shape and size but different in color (one suit was orange the other was brown or something like that). I think I might still have a picture of that somewhere in old albums, I'll look it up later and maybe update the post to show it.
So, those longsleeve shirts had that graphic on the chest with the word "Arizona", and a cactus and a mountain to somehow portray the state's gorgeous nature. Now, in my mind, it was not affiliated with anything, again. I knew it was in the US and I later discovered it's actually a state. I think I was about 6-7 years old back then, can't be 100% sure. At the same time period, I had that game I played that was about some shady characters which appeared to be, in my mind, some kind of paramilitary force or secret society or something. The lead character was named "A+" [eɪ plʌs].
Now, this is not anything I'm making up. It's all been there. I am aware I can draw some extras when speaking about my past, but I'm pushing myself hard to reduce this effect as much as possible. I think there could be still some notes I drew back then about A+ and his fellows and their adventures in old notebooks that are stored somewhere in my house. You see, back in time I was a kid, there haven't been a fancy "play station" with games that someone else made for ya, so you had to imagine your own games to play. I had a limited set of action figures as well, so basically I just dreamed about those heroes and made them up in my mind.
I have no idea what those numbers and letters meant, it makes zero meaning to me as of now. Except for that little "code decipher" page, where I assign letters to specific names. I wasn't familiar with how to spell names properly, it appears. John Check, Sirena and "Djak Fimor" appear to be my own fictional characters, while Harry Henderson is something more widespread.
So that's about it. I did not expect this to be this big (I mean the post), but, turns out, it just had to happen. Also, I contacted Mike C tonight via the e-mail and bought his book about an hour ago. I wanna read it before I finally get to sleep. I also recieved that game called "HELLDIVERS" as a gift on Steam, which surprised me. Well, I think it's time to get some rest. Been up for about 16 hours. And the last nap I had was about 6 hours long. My eyes are about to pop out, and the headache is getting stronger.
Cheers!
Wow, it's been just one day since the last entry.
Something bothered me, so I just (like many times) end up here doing those silly typos in the blog I created. Well, I guess there is some kind of reason behind that, I am just not sure what that is. Some part of me tells that it's just plainly b*tching of a pretty dissatisfied and unhappy man who can't get on his feet. On the other hand, there's a part of me that says it's something bigger than just egocentric poetry.
I am going to write down yet another "strange story", alright?
Since my childhood (and it's almost an estabilished fact that everything that happened in early years will shape your life to the very end of it, and it won't change all that much, no matter how hard you try to reconsider it) I've been kind of fascinated by the word "Arizona". To the time, I did not even know for sure what that meant, it was just a word on my clothes that were apparently from "second hand" /*or maybe I'm making this up, shoulda ask my mom*/. I had two "suits" which were, basically, a pair of cloth pants and long-sleeve shirts, that were identical in shape and size but different in color (one suit was orange the other was brown or something like that). I think I might still have a picture of that somewhere in old albums, I'll look it up later and maybe update the post to show it.
So, those longsleeve shirts had that graphic on the chest with the word "Arizona", and a cactus and a mountain to somehow portray the state's gorgeous nature. Now, in my mind, it was not affiliated with anything, again. I knew it was in the US and I later discovered it's actually a state. I think I was about 6-7 years old back then, can't be 100% sure. At the same time period, I had that game I played that was about some shady characters which appeared to be, in my mind, some kind of paramilitary force or secret society or something. The lead character was named "A+" [eɪ plʌs].
Now, this is not anything I'm making up. It's all been there. I am aware I can draw some extras when speaking about my past, but I'm pushing myself hard to reduce this effect as much as possible. I think there could be still some notes I drew back then about A+ and his fellows and their adventures in old notebooks that are stored somewhere in my house. You see, back in time I was a kid, there haven't been a fancy "play station" with games that someone else made for ya, so you had to imagine your own games to play. I had a limited set of action figures as well, so basically I just dreamed about those heroes and made them up in my mind.
Games, huh?
Practically, the last couple of years, most of my time I play videogames. It's a sorry sight for someone, but me, myself, feel pretty confident and well about that. From my perspective, it's like having your own library where you could just sit and read all those peoples' thoughts and ideas. Better than that, in fact -- you can pretend you're that character and fully immerse in his/her story. Now that's something different apart from playing with toys back in your childhood, yeah? /*that was sarcasm*/. The current technologies even urge to take it further, with all these VR devices we see in production now. But I'm not going deep into discussing that right now. Back to this day's "strange story"...
...Just a few days ago, I re-discovered an artist (a musician) on utub. Her stage name is MØ . Why I say "re-discovered", is that because I already stumbled upon her songs before on utub, but did not pay any attention all that much. Later on, I got kind of "hooked up" by that videoclip for the song "Walk This Way". First time I saw it, it was from a different utub channel, not from the one that is MOMOMOYOUTH one, ok? Now, I liked the girl, I liked those songs, the music and the lyrics, on and on. I even talked with my friend who lives in Denmark if he heard anything about her, and he replied with "No". I was surprised a little, but, anyway, he admitted she sounds danish. Ha.
Now, if you'd read my previous posts, you'd already know I had some weird experiences with utub content. It's no different from the story I'm telling right now. If you look up my views history for last coupl'a hours, there gonna be those YTPs, songs by MØ, a few songs by Korn, a few songs by Die Antwoord, then some stuff related to Metal Gear series, some YTPs again, then - I feel a bit ashamed for this one - the final showdown with Ashoka and Anakin from Rebels season 2 last episode video, and then there's that last one. It got pretty mixed up, BUT there was literally NOTHING tied to Arizona. I did not type it in search bar, I did not click any videos about United States in general. So let's proceed further.
...a short detour to connect another piece of the puzzle
Wanna know why I even watched that "season finale" of Rebels in the first place, and moreso why I feel shame for it? /*I know you don't, but... c'mon!*/ There is a girl in my friends list on Steam who is into SW universe and not afraid to show it up in the activity feed. So, in some way, it was her who drew my attention to this specific scene /*no spoilers, though*/. Of course, I knew about that scene from before, because Dizzney does its best at advertising, so it's kinda hard to miss. I wanted to watch it in a chronological order, though. And, basically, I do not watch any TV shows online, bcoz they are made for TV... Friends call me lame. I don't care all that much. I know I'm weird, so why bother? Hehe. So, I kind of forced myself to watch that scene, 'cause I was curious AF.
...But Star Wars is not the reason I brought that up. Well, not the only reason, to be correct. That girl on Steam I talked about, guess where she lives? Well, yeah: Arizona. And I did not really saw this on her profile before. I think I might have seen it, but did I care? Not really. I guess people often don't care that I am from Saint-Petersburg, Russia, at this point. But, of course, at that moment, it was somewhat insightful: "I should ask that person about life in Arizona!". The moment that thought sparkled in the black room of my mind, I discovered that her Steam profile says "Offline". I tried to guess if it's just a profile status rather than she actually turned off her computer (why not, huh?), but na-ah.
...So, she's a female in Arizona. She's also an artist. These two facts were just enough to attract my interest, because it's "strangely coincedential", in a way. You'll understand that later. I can't say about her more because: 1)I don't really know her all that much; 2)I kinda guess she won't appreciate that I will talk like that w/o any permission; 3)Already said too much. However, in this modern era, you can't actually... well... hide from the world. It's just hardly possible for a mere human. I mean, unless you're a superman who can fly away to the moon in a split second. See? But, yeah, enough, already.
We're almost done with the setup. Hang on...
...as it's easy to discover, I'm a big fan of MGSV:TPP. Now, I already hate the word "fan" because of some mr. fancy pants's utub comments on that David Hayter video, but it's a whole different story and I'm not going into details here, except for that I was feeling kind of conflicted, as I just really can't see why people are so pre-determined. That includes, but not limitates to, myself. OK, let's just return to that coincedence talk.
At this night, I was playing MGSV:TPP whilst simultaniously listening to a podcast I downloaded from Mike Clelland's blog. I downloaded two audio files, in fact. And it was a while ago. It's a fancy feature to listen to any MP3 files through the in-game device that is called iDroid /*Quick note: there's a whole bunch of guys who b!tch about how cassette tapes are worse than Codec conversations, well - guess what? - f@&k those guys. Both cassette tapes AND Codec conversations are good for their respective games, CHEW IT UP GOD DAMN YOU!*/.
So, those podcasts I was listening to at that night (because I do it for about a month or two, though not regularly) were an interview with Jeffrey J. Kripal, and a conversation with Kim Carlsberg. Let's just point that straight up: I picked these audio files not because I knew exactly the contents of it or because I "knew the guy". Most of the time, I pick those audios at rather random order. Not a strictly specific order based on it's contents, however - because I just don't know exactly what these people are gonna talk about.
I keep on writing one story, though it gets pretty disconnected, huh?
Imagine my surprise when in the first podcast folks started to talk about comic books. Especially if you take my previous post into account AND that "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" was released just about a week ago. Pretty much "rings a bell", for me! ...In retrospective, it doesn't look all that much "wierdly coincedential" or just plainly "strange", bcoz comic books, as it is, are just solitary a very much controversial phenomena. You have those movies, and cartoons, and TV shows (like Gotham), so... yeah. No big deal Mike inserted that "60s Batman theme" in the end of the podcast, huh?
After the end of the first one, I tuned in the other podcast. Here it goes a bit tricky, because I didn't get to the end of that second podcast. And the events that happened in the game (I was playing MGSV:TPP all along, you remember?) such as me bumping into soviet soldiers and alarming the entire enemy force, did not contribute well into listening to the conversation with those continious gunshots and radio talk between CP and HQ. That being said, I haven't heard the second one clearly enough. I did hear, however, the word "Sedona". Now, I comprehend it's a physical location situated somewhere in Arizona. At the time, I didn't know how that word looks, and there's a high probability I'd never looked it up myself. And yet...
BOO!
...I opened up utub in the afternoon and what do I see in my "suggested videos"? You guessed it,
"Arizona Women with Natalie Westling and Molly Bair". If you still need a better idea of what it is, copy that title into the utub search bar and watch the video. It was uploaded on March, 8th, so it's obviously about women and their place in modern age. The specific theme that is intertwined within, is ET mythology and "New Age" people. So that hits the spot with 100% accuracy to what I was tuning in on purpose for last few months. What makes it a strange coincedence, though, is that it popped at this time. Not just a month, a week, a day - no, it struck with a deadly preciseness of HOURS. It came from that very same channel where I saw MØ's music video "Walk This Way", not from any other source possible. At some point, I was surprised I haven't seen any owls that time. Wait, I did. Hence the screenshot up there in the beginning.
THE END OF STORY
So I spoke it out. Again, like I said a lot of times before, it's a very personal experience - to stumble upon those coincedences and to FEEL that they are connected not in a way that is casually causal. More than this, when I put it down "on paper", it just apparently loses certain power it had even for me. How could I expect someone could relate to what I'm desperately trying to express? I can talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk about certain events occured in my life and they won't make much sense. Most of the people I know would just go with: "ah, come on. Just forget it, you're thinking too much about it!" - and, yeah, I DO think too much about it, and I hate that. There's just no way for me to cut that out and dismiss it for good.
And, as usual, I'm a very open-minded person (sometimes it's not all that good, turned out) so I know there's a dozen of ways to fit those coincidental moments. There are termins that science folks bring about like Apophenia, and it works. Of course, utub suggestions function is tied to my view history, and tags, and hasty clicks. "Arizona" and "A+" (if you still remember where I brought "A+" up) come from USA, which is certainly a common thing for the 90s "New Russia". /*Our grade marks still remained the same though; we did not change our education system all that match. By the way, my mark for English was "5" which would be "A". Just sayin'.*/ There's a whole science field with a f@#load of research, but from what I've seen... Those scienceheads don't make much progress to put that down in their "scientific way". Maybe one day, with more and more technologies and researches, yeah. Yet I would think they're still hunting the wrong tail. It's not about how we describe and document a phenomenon, but how to place that phenomenon in the right place of our vision of the world. And how do we decide what's right or wrong in this matter?
Since the ancient age, there's a lot of controversy about "soul", "fate", other murky materia, but basically - about the reality itself. What's funny is how we approach this new field of "virtual reality", where people design those virtual environments (be that VR-device based videogames or some kind of 3D sex sim), so it potentially goes even trickier with each day. Murky waters get murkier. And that's the core idea I had in my mind to work out in my "comic book". I started to draw the first page of that "book" yesterday. I hate the way I draw (goofy, unrealistic and cheap drawings), and I hate that I am slow with it, but I want to do it. "Don't let your dreams be dreams" and so on. Maybe I'll even finish the first page. Here I'd like to swoop away for a time. Cya!
...Or not? F@#k...
...a bit more thoughts /*argh, why cannot I STFU myself already?!*/
So, here's another lil comment on Arizona state. It's somehow natural with all that UFO mythology that comes with the package, and it was clearly there (already before it got in my sights). And, I guess, it was there even b4 those cities were founded. Still... I can't help but call it weird. I checked back on hidden experience site, once again, and checked the post from February 18, 2014 called "update from a coffee shop in Sedona". It does have got two rather interesting photographs, as well as this caption: "I'm writing about owls in a coffee shop in Sedona. After I ate my scandinavian almond cake, this is what I found on my plate.", and there's an image of an owl.
Strangely enough, I haven't seen any real owls again so far. Well - HEY! - isn't that obvious? I don't move my ass around, so how the f*** would I be able to see them in my room? Next day this happens right in my room, they'll put me into an asylum cell. One way or another, owl figure still plays a big role in all this weirdness. Whether a "keeper" totem being, or shamanic kind of "guide", or else, owls were and, I'm assuming, still are, at present, big time mythological creatures. They are used for this purpose in ancient greek mythology, in native american culture, and... ugh... that it? Guess not. Now, there are debates about mythology we have at the present time, and Mike often reffers to Christopher Knowles and how he was asked about modern day mythology in an interview /*that was in one of the podcasts that I was listening to while playing the game in February, I think*/. Oddly enough, I noticed that MØ's debut album title is "No mythologies to follow".
I can really sit here until the sun goes down and keep adding some bits and pieces, like that yesterday, I was thinking to phone my friend, and he just woke me up this morning with a phone call. In addition, this very same day, another dude who I haven't spoken to for a long time, called me (said he moved to my neighbourhood). And I don't often receive phonecalls at all. That mean anything? Guess not. For a summary: each and every one of us makes his/her/its own road through various events of different types, makes contact with different people, and shapes the way oneself perceives the world around. I can certainly agree with that. But why is that sometimes it doesn't fit into the "paradigm"? Seems "out of the place"? What if we are trained to be fit in upper chest, but skipped the leg day? /*wtf am I talking about?...*/
Either I'm going crazy, or the whole world is insane. Those are not my words, it's a quote from a movie "Left Behind". I learned that from "Welcome to the Basement".
Update
There are only a few photographs that remained where I wear one of those "suits" I was talking about in the beginning. However, it appears I still had that orange one up until I turned 10 y.o. And you can't clearly see where it says "Arizona", but it's there. There are also other words and symbols that I did not remember:
Since I ain't got a fancy scanner, I just photographed those old photographs. I also got some of my old little notebooks back from my childhood. Haven't found that A+ "fandom" yet, but I know I had it somewhere. I also stumbled upon some early stage additcion to Darth Vader figure.
I have no idea what those numbers and letters meant, it makes zero meaning to me as of now. Except for that little "code decipher" page, where I assign letters to specific names. I wasn't familiar with how to spell names properly, it appears. John Check, Sirena and "Djak Fimor" appear to be my own fictional characters, while Harry Henderson is something more widespread.
So that's about it. I did not expect this to be this big (I mean the post), but, turns out, it just had to happen. Also, I contacted Mike C tonight via the e-mail and bought his book about an hour ago. I wanna read it before I finally get to sleep. I also recieved that game called "HELLDIVERS" as a gift on Steam, which surprised me. Well, I think it's time to get some rest. Been up for about 16 hours. And the last nap I had was about 6 hours long. My eyes are about to pop out, and the headache is getting stronger.
Cheers!
Saturday, April 2, 2016
April Fools, day 2 (or 3?)
New entry
Aye. Quick synopsis: life sucks, nothing changed.
So, it's been a while since April 1st. Apart from numerous posts from different peoples implying they hate April, 1st, haven't seen anything really funny. Watched a few YTPs and the "top 10 awkward E3 moments" which was somewhat entertaining. However...
That's not what I'm here to talk about.
...No joking, huh?
Television keeps talking about Syria and Ukraine. Damn, this even gets to my dreams at night. I grow tired of this day by day. There's a whole bunch of maniacs all around the globe, wishing desperately to tear each other's skin down. It's the world at it's usual currents. To be honest, if someone told me back in time when I was a kid that there's gonna be a new round of cold war and it's going to be all over, I would not be surprised. But I never thought it's going to be this much "all over".
All over, people justify their global interests over someone else's lives. Now, it's not in any way a new idea, but, still, here goes: there can't be peace. Look, we got to be straight. There won't be peace on a global scale without a terrific bloodshed or, more likely, a complete annihilation of humanity for good. Hell, people talk sh!t even on simple topics such as D. Hayter not voicing Big Boss/Venom Snake. It pisses me off as it is somewhere in utub comments area where ppl just talk generic nonsense how "his voice acting was shit". So determined, wow. Just "wow". We're all qualified experts in voice acting field now. OK, enough about dis, I got pretty much fed up.
It's not even about someone being correct or incorrect. It's about being hostile against someone else's vision of the world. Those bombers who blowed up in EU, do they really have to act this way? In the name of G, huh? Thanks to their efforts, half of the world now hates muslims and dismisses outright the idea that they are people too, even those among them who don't blow stuff up but just live the life they believe is best for them. In return, the hostility against muslims leads to hostility from muslims against any other religious group, nation or any other form or group of differently minded people. And that goes back to the annals of human history.
Isn't that something funny, now? a cynical, awful joke, where we are living on this planet since who-knows-when and yet still can't do anything but kill each other? How do we even got this far to make these interwebs and sites where we can teach each other how to make an IED?
It's April and...
...my birthday is about a week away. Can't say I feel good about it. Another year, another strange series of events. tied in together and yet completely unrelated. I wish I could make something good out from it. So far I ain't got a profession, education, even a damn janitor job, and, most horribly, ain't got a clue what to make out of this all. In fact, it is logical to put these in reverse order. I had a few fancy ideas on what I could do while living on here, but each time I approach those ideas from the far edge, I quickly realise I'm nowhere close to make it happen.
All people think about death time after time because it is on what this world stands. On bones and remains of our ancestors. We're all here for a time of journey and then we're all suspect something will change in the end. And my deepest fear about all this is not even how it would happen /*it could be pretty damn scary if I think about it too much, though*/, but if it's completely pointless. Not from the standpoint of "oh my god, my life was a waste" but just... What if it's nothing at all? How big is the difference if you worry what happened to you and the people you lived with and not worry at all? What if it's just all irrelevant? Damn.
Recently, I got another wave of "creativity" thoughts in my mind, to try and make a short comic. Well, to pretend that'll be a kind of comic book, though. I thought: "I'm not that much good at writing, I'm not that much good at drawing too, but what if..." and here it's how it came. Ha Ha Ha. Anyway, I don't move around all that much so I might as well try that out and see if I could actually produce something. It still feels awkward, however. I bet it will be very unnatural if I actually end up with a, let's say, 20 pages comic book that I won't be shy to show my friends.
I got a bunch of characters I'd like to represent in this format, as well as some a few insights on... Whatever. It's outta be set in sci-fi cyberpunk environment for a number of reasons, but most of all because it's the easiest field to make up some nonsense. Oh, dear. Will it turn out good or not, I'll update the status back here at this blog.
Until the better times, cheers~
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Some typing into black space
Hey there.
Tonight I'd like to do what I usually do here. I mean, less crazy stories and more self-inflicted pain. Sort of.
...went to the Hermitage with brother. It's been a good day except for the... evening of that very same day. So, I had to be very angry for little to none reason. I do not admire the way I behave. It was but another reminder of my own "decompression". It's almost three months since I lost my job. I almost burned down the volume of money the employer paid me as a compensation, which means, I'm practically a bankrupt.
Now, here's that other guy, who is one of my best friends. He got back from army in December (right about the same time I've lost my job), and now he works in a local supermarket. He's a nice man, who lives with his girlfriend, has a car to move around the city (and further), has - well, almost has - a diploma, and he's generally a good fellow.
Of course, it's not always a good idea to compare yourself to someone, but that's what we do everytime /*...am I not right about this?*/. In addition, instead of giving me an impulse to get somewhere myself, and, at the very least, get a job, I just have another reason to ashame myself, and sit my ass here. "Social conditioning" isn't necessarily a bad thing, after all. We're not fooling anyone here: we are living in a synthetic system, that requires us to do something in return for money (and, in most cases, it's not all that pleasant). If you are saying that you are far too superior to the system, you get out of it. But a blood cell won't turn into something autonomous out of the blood vessel /*do I actually understand what I'm saying?*/.
So, back to the header. That little trip to the museum made me wonder: we, as we are living now on this planet, somewhat value the culture our ancestors left for us, right? We have those (sacred, in the past) sarcophagus-es, vases, sculptures, paintings, etc etc etc. We store it, we look at it, we think of how "their" life looked like. Are we different from our ancestors? Don't rush up the answer. Of course, we now have these "badass" techologies and we are still developing /*I hope so*/ more beatiful things, but what if... we're not moving further in means of ... life?
Who knows if there, let's say, in ancient Egypt, wasn't a guy like me, who would just sit somewhere, doing practically nothing but complaining? Now, it's clear that our societies differentiate a lot, right? We certainly don't have "high priests" around here, nor slaves, nor warmongers, nor discrimination, nor hunger, nor destruction, nor despair. What if we keep those relics from ancient times and yet - ourselves - stay the same level, that fits those stone tombs and wooden houses? or even caves?
I can't sleep well. I mean, I could sleep 18 hours straight, while other folks around work their S off, but does that count? I'm not doing any progress. And, f**k, I hate to state that, over, over, and OVER again. You know, I could've read a ton of books, or write one myself /*that would be hard to read though*/, or improve my language skill, or whatever else - anything! Why? Why I cannot overcome myself?!... I am so tired. It's quite the same message that keeps poping up, like s**t in a village toilet. Something doesn't work well in me. I possess no will to "improv". I just play games. And watch movies sometimes. And consume. And that is all I do. Oh, I also write pointless notes about myself. Ding!
And, speaking of movies, it's "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" time pretty soon. I hope to see it with brother and excuse for my infamous spectacle in the evening. I should be sleeping now to be fresh by the daylight, but... I'm stuck here. And right at the moment I type these, Kooname went online on tweetzch, so I better get going. Quite obsessed with MGO glitches and bad matchmaing, want to see what those guys have to say.
And here's the closing line: Forgive me.
Tonight I'd like to do what I usually do here. I mean, less crazy stories and more self-inflicted pain. Sort of.
Yesterday
...went to the Hermitage with brother. It's been a good day except for the... evening of that very same day. So, I had to be very angry for little to none reason. I do not admire the way I behave. It was but another reminder of my own "decompression". It's almost three months since I lost my job. I almost burned down the volume of money the employer paid me as a compensation, which means, I'm practically a bankrupt.
Now, here's that other guy, who is one of my best friends. He got back from army in December (right about the same time I've lost my job), and now he works in a local supermarket. He's a nice man, who lives with his girlfriend, has a car to move around the city (and further), has - well, almost has - a diploma, and he's generally a good fellow.
Of course, it's not always a good idea to compare yourself to someone, but that's what we do everytime /*...am I not right about this?*/. In addition, instead of giving me an impulse to get somewhere myself, and, at the very least, get a job, I just have another reason to ashame myself, and sit my ass here. "Social conditioning" isn't necessarily a bad thing, after all. We're not fooling anyone here: we are living in a synthetic system, that requires us to do something in return for money (and, in most cases, it's not all that pleasant). If you are saying that you are far too superior to the system, you get out of it. But a blood cell won't turn into something autonomous out of the blood vessel /*do I actually understand what I'm saying?*/.
So, back to the header. That little trip to the museum made me wonder: we, as we are living now on this planet, somewhat value the culture our ancestors left for us, right? We have those (sacred, in the past) sarcophagus-es, vases, sculptures, paintings, etc etc etc. We store it, we look at it, we think of how "their" life looked like. Are we different from our ancestors? Don't rush up the answer. Of course, we now have these "badass" techologies and we are still developing /*I hope so*/ more beatiful things, but what if... we're not moving further in means of ... life?
Who knows if there, let's say, in ancient Egypt, wasn't a guy like me, who would just sit somewhere, doing practically nothing but complaining? Now, it's clear that our societies differentiate a lot, right? We certainly don't have "high priests" around here, nor slaves, nor warmongers, nor discrimination, nor hunger, nor destruction, nor despair. What if we keep those relics from ancient times and yet - ourselves - stay the same level, that fits those stone tombs and wooden houses? or even caves?
Tonight
I can't sleep well. I mean, I could sleep 18 hours straight, while other folks around work their S off, but does that count? I'm not doing any progress. And, f**k, I hate to state that, over, over, and OVER again. You know, I could've read a ton of books, or write one myself /*that would be hard to read though*/, or improve my language skill, or whatever else - anything! Why? Why I cannot overcome myself?!... I am so tired. It's quite the same message that keeps poping up, like s**t in a village toilet. Something doesn't work well in me. I possess no will to "improv". I just play games. And watch movies sometimes. And consume. And that is all I do. Oh, I also write pointless notes about myself. Ding!
And, speaking of movies, it's "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" time pretty soon. I hope to see it with brother and excuse for my infamous spectacle in the evening. I should be sleeping now to be fresh by the daylight, but... I'm stuck here. And right at the moment I type these, Kooname went online on tweetzch, so I better get going. Quite obsessed with MGO glitches and bad matchmaing, want to see what those guys have to say.
And here's the closing line: Forgive me.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Coffee-2
Hi. I feel a bit of "horny" right now (sorry, it's not an appropriate word, actually) so I decided to share one of those "coincedence stories". And yeah, the title of this post is not relevant to coffee, again.
Aight. I don't know exactly where to start. I'm not going to excuse for my poor personality like in other posts, so I'll probably start with a rather brief note about how I got into this. Into all of this synchcro-non-nonsense. You see, back in school I've read first of the Illuminatus! books by RAW and Robert Shea. If you know what it's all about, you probably don't know s%@t, so sit down now, won't you? /*just kidding*/ OK, so why did I read the book? There were plenty of reasons, but the main one was the number. The number 23, of course. Now, it's a long story (about me and the number 23), probably a size of a book, so let's skip it now. What's important here, is that this connection (between the number and the Illuminatus! trilogy) is used in the 1998's german movie "23" by Hans-Christian Schmid about a computer hacker from Hannover, Karl Werner Lothar Koch (took that from Weekeepudia).
It's a long story, so get some patience!
Aight. I don't know exactly where to start. I'm not going to excuse for my poor personality like in other posts, so I'll probably start with a rather brief note about how I got into this. Into all of this synchcro-non-nonsense. You see, back in school I've read first of the Illuminatus! books by RAW and Robert Shea. If you know what it's all about, you probably don't know s%@t, so sit down now, won't you? /*just kidding*/ OK, so why did I read the book? There were plenty of reasons, but the main one was the number. The number 23, of course. Now, it's a long story (about me and the number 23), probably a size of a book, so let's skip it now. What's important here, is that this connection (between the number and the Illuminatus! trilogy) is used in the 1998's german movie "23" by Hans-Christian Schmid about a computer hacker from Hannover, Karl Werner Lothar Koch (took that from Weekeepudia).
...so?
OK, that was important, because other parts won't make any sense w/o that. So, back in my school days, I've read that 1st book of the trilogy, and also read bits and pieces from RAW (on the interweb) about the number, and by doing so I've also found some info about the movie with J. Carrey as well as about that movie mentioned above. For "The Number 23", I even bought a DVD almost instantly (was my first movie where Carrey played something different from Ventura and Mask, I think). The german movie - I haven't watched it up until this month.
Eleven years back from now, on March, 2nd, my brother was born. It was an extremely significant event in my life, from any standpoint. I was 13 y.o. back then, and this event was, politely saying, unusual, to me. I've grown as an only child in the family, after all. Since that day, I went through a very large spectre of feelings, and, how some people say, "personal mumbo-jumbo" about my role in his youth, and my life in general, and what my purpose might be, and long-long list of things. Of course, I cannot lie here: I was angry at times, some times it was completely unnecessary, but one way or another, we are where we are now, and my brother is my #1 friend now and a person who understands me, and knows how to cheer me up when I hit the ground. In other words, I don't know what my life would be now without him (I thought I knew, but I was severely mistaken). Well, why is I'm saying this here, would you guess?
March 1st, 2016. I've bought a present for him, on Stea-I-hate-this-glitchy-eam, which is, a game about Nyan Cat. Yup. An internet meme. So, the game was originally developed for handheld devices, but made it's way to PC on Vaalve's stim on Dec 4, 2015. He saw it back in 2015 in an advertise, and I was near. We laughed at it a bit, but, somehow, I felt he might like this game. I had no idea about the features of the game back in the day, but prior buying it for his BD, I checked the screenshots and the description and so it said a number of fun things, one of which was customization. And it was available for all kinds of operating systems (Win, Mac and Linux). Here I also must go over another fact related to brother's birthday, and this will be about his notebook. See below.
Operational system
Alright, we're getting close now, hang on. So, I'll try to put it as short as I could... //Dam, it's hard!
This dates back to when I was still working at that factory. As I stated in other posts, I was living separately from my parents at those times, and so I had to plug in internet there myself, while back at home I had it turned off (I decided to cut the cable for the time being as the room where I lived was rented by neighbours) /*Ugh, it's so complicated*/. Why, the point is that ME, myself, I - had interwebs at the flat I was living in, while back at my home, parents and brother had no working ethernet cable. So, my dad decided to fix that. He said he had a decent offer from a large (other) ISP, and so it was cheap, and fast, and whatever. I did not care all that much. Some "tech guy" went to the house and plugged notebook into webs, as mom says. The connection required to enter some login name and password, which is rare for most of these days' ISPs, but, again, I didn't care /*I should have, though*/.
This dates back to when I was still working at that factory. As I stated in other posts, I was living separately from my parents at those times, and so I had to plug in internet there myself, while back at home I had it turned off (I decided to cut the cable for the time being as the room where I lived was rented by neighbours) /*Ugh, it's so complicated*/. Why, the point is that ME, myself, I - had interwebs at the flat I was living in, while back at my home, parents and brother had no working ethernet cable. So, my dad decided to fix that. He said he had a decent offer from a large (other) ISP, and so it was cheap, and fast, and whatever. I did not care all that much. Some "tech guy" went to the house and plugged notebook into webs, as mom says. The connection required to enter some login name and password, which is rare for most of these days' ISPs, but, again, I didn't care /*I should have, though*/.
Problems started to pop-up when mom had her social network page hacked. That happened in the beggining of 2016, so I was already living back at my room and, of course, I had my ISP plug that old cable back online. Anyway, mom's page. Someone logged into her profile, and sent PMs to her friends, while the message itself was something like "I'm in tough situation please gimme some moneys". As soon as she noticed, she asked me to help, so we, together, changed her PW, added two-factor authentification (SMS codes to login), tweaked some security settings, etc. However, it did not stop there. Apart from reports from mom about stange browser behaviour, everything seemed to be fine. So, I decided it was some kind of malware, and installed some utilities to clean up the notebook. One day, I surfed web on the notebook myself, and noticed that adware didn't go anywhere, and was still there. So, I decided to check everything once again - and, oh f@$k - I opened up "My Computer" (Notebook's OS was Win7 Pro) and, shortly afterwards, "My Network". And... There were two machines specified. One was, of course, the notebook itself. The other machine called VLADIMIR. So, wow, great. Someone had remote access, all the time while that cable was in. Without any hesitation, I plugged it off.
From that moment, they had no web, again. There were alternatives, or so I thought. I thought that wi-fi signal from my router was covering the area large enough, so they could connect the notebook and their smartphones into my wi-fi network, but the signal was too bad... And yet, we had no idea if the notebook itself had some sinsiter code in it still, already infected. After rather short round of debates, we made a decision to wipe out the system back to it's "factory state". However, I wasn't careful enough, and it indeed returned to factory state, meaning: the notebook now had no OS. Which was unfortunate, but yet, managable. For the time being, I decided we should give a try to a free OS such as a Linux-based system called Ubuntu. "It is a temporary solution" - I said. Now, I'm not that much of a tech-guy (if I was, probably we could've evaded most of that mess with cheap internet ISP), so it was a bit challenging to install that system to a "clean" notebook. I did it, however. Some workarounds with Ubuntu itself were required, though /*Hello, Terminal!*/. But, without much of a headache, everything worked. I rushed with the installing of the OS in the beggining of March, because at the time the notebook was just staying there at the table without any use. And, brother's BD was just around the corner, so I wanted to get his machine back.
Dude, wtf?
Well, so far it seems like a f@%kload of disconnected bs. What we went over, again? So, that german 23 movie, my brother's BD, the Nyan Cat: Lost in Space game, the notebook and it's OS (Ubuntu)... Alright, I think we got all the pieces needed. Oh wait, no. We also need to include here my "Owl story". Yeah. It is described in my previous posts. Briefly, it goes like this: I saw an owl, took a photo, uploaded it with a caption, then, long time after, randomly stumbled upon a video on utub and it was about owls and UFOs. Am I such a weirdo? Well, if you need a bit more detailed review, check my previous posts from early 2016.
OK, OK, it's been too long! Here's the punchline.
At march 4th, two days after brother's birthday, my old good friend called me and invited to be his guest. Unlike me, he got a job, and he had a free day. So, I bought some chips and drinks, and met him at his flat (well, not exactly his - he also rents a room, like a lot of young peoples here). After some talk and browsing some utube videos, he said something like: "I'd like to watch that "Number 23" film with Jim Carrey", and I'm like: "Have you not seen it?" He replied no, he saw it, but he wanted some second thoughts and stuff. And then - Jing! - I go with: "Hey, how about to watch another movie about the number 23? I bet you haven't seen that one". That's right. That german movie. He didn't want to watch it, at first. I convinced him it would be good to see a film that will be new to both of us, however. So, we did browse some sites for other movies to watch, but, in the end, I encouraged him to watch 23, and we started to watch it.
I'm not going to review that movie here, it's not my goal, for now. Thing is, seeing that movie about hackers in late 80s hacking some serious installations and selling information for money... Well, it triggered something, huh. My friend said, after watching 23: "Hey, I know a better movie about hackers, it's awesome!", and, after quick search, he launched "Who Am I - Kein System ist sicher" /*this one also german, he he he*/. And, now, the reason why I wasted another hour of my life compiling all this text here. Upon certain scene, in the movie, I see one character describing one certain event of the film, naming the number 23, and showing footage where an OWL-LOOKING Nyan Cat meme is playing on loop on the monitor due to hacker attack. WHAT?!?!?!
Well, you may be wondering: what's so special about it? What does it mean? My reply will be: "The f**k I know? I HAVE NO IDEA". It's just a stange compilation of very different events that happened in my life, flashed in a movie I'd probably never watch myself. The number 23, the hacking proccess (or remote access, in general), the "terminal interface" /*or command line interface, generally*/, Nyan Cat, Owl, security breach... This doesn't make any sense, right? And I would understand you, if we cut away last two months of my life. All of these coincedences wouldn't have any meaning to me. More than this, I wouldn't even try to find any clue. With that being stated, and if you are not me, you can't comprehend how funny and mysterious at the same time it was. It was just a brief flash, but it was a very rich experience that I cannot comprehend at all with my rational mind /*if I even possess one*/.
Whatever it was, it was (at the very least level) a rich theatrical experience, as I experienced it. Ugh, sorry for my poor handling of words, but I don't know how to describe it other way. For some sort of "proof" I've just made two screencaps from that movie I watched with my friend, so just my words won't be completely bare. Also, keep in mind I did not made up my stories, it all happened, and I tried to describe those events as brief as possible. Some kind of synopsis, if you will. I'm 100% sure you won't dig this up yourself, but there is, actually, quite a HUGE F*$#ING LOAD of coincedences related to the number 23 alone, and it's actively being used by different media (Max Headroom TV show, for example). Something is definately going on, but I'm not sure I want to find out what exactly. And, as always I do remember, nothing is true. Hue Hue Hue.
Here are those pics. //Internet such a place to find anything, huh
Thanks for attention.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Coffee
...Sorry, it's not going to be about coffee. Just didn't know what title to pick.
Read a couple of pages on Weekeepudia about different kinds of psychotic disorders, because, knowing myself, I'd sooner or later begin to worry if I'm sane. To be honest, I wanted to put another "coincedence" story on here, but later on it felt so tiny and irrelevent that it didn't even worth my attention /*I'm a boss!*/. Instead, I started to think why the hell it even bothers me at all. You see, there are other people who just... live. Like, they go to their work, come back to their homes, sleep with their spouses, go hangout somewhere on a weekend, etc. I robbed myself of it. Wanna know why? I don't think I am eligible.
More than so, I do not think it's the whole idea of living here. What was I born for? My parents had some fuzzy dificulties in their relationship, but anyway my birth was more or less NOT a coincedence. It's cynical from me to talk it this way, but who gonna care /*except me*/. Do I live here only to pay my bills and sleep with my wife? Occassionaly go to a theatre or something? Watch new Ovengers movie? There's got to be something else to it.
Most of those who I knew personally, male or female, have about the same idea of what is "good life". Pretty conventional. Most of humans do believe in same basic values, in fact. Now, of course it's not all so simple, but anyway - we eat, we breed, we die. And this is how it goes. What does it stand for? And why, gosh, why I can't just skip thinking about it and fall the same flow with others?!
It's believed that you should keep your dreams to yourself because if you have spoken of it, it might be never achieved as a result. Or something like this, with a few adjustments. Anyway. I always dreamed for something. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a scientist, or inventor (many wanted to bcoz of that movie "Honey, I shrunk the kids"). I wanted to be a badass hero kind of guy, because of Xmen and Murtal Kombat. Growing up a little, I wanted to stick with flash animation and make a career in game development (nothing unusual for our age). Later, I wanted to be a psychologist. Or, at least, I told myself I did. And now, all the while I could still apply to any of those jobs (ha ha ha), I dream to be a writer.
I kind of guessed where all that comes from, but still it's not really promising. Especially when I am so self-aware that I know I will keep on doubting and eventually hit a dead end, just like with everything else. And where all that doubt comes from? From the same source that caused the first part of this post. I don't necessarily believe in what others believe, I do not share the same vision of "success" and this causes to think there's something deeply wrong with me. And from there, I doubt everything else. I even comprehend how to overcome that feeling but still it won't help to stand down and focus on basic material values, instead of keep on trying to grasp something you can't see or touch.
What also strikes me down, is that all my seizuring and coughing in here wouldn't have any value either. Essentialy. Though I wish I could come back here one day and see this and just laugh, in fact it's just the same story told in a bit different words. Every time, even now. For that, I sometimes wish I could erase my own memory, like I erase my private messages or e-mails or whatever. But I cannot. I can pretend I forgot, but it will always prevail. So, unless third world war starts soon and I would have to go and die for my country, I should really come up with something, or else I will totally lose my mind and no blog or therapist will save me. People will treat me like a madman, fill my mouth with pills and brainwash me till I finally become nothing but a ghost. Scary sh!t.
Bye.
I was checking out some stuff...
Read a couple of pages on Weekeepudia about different kinds of psychotic disorders, because, knowing myself, I'd sooner or later begin to worry if I'm sane. To be honest, I wanted to put another "coincedence" story on here, but later on it felt so tiny and irrelevent that it didn't even worth my attention /*I'm a boss!*/. Instead, I started to think why the hell it even bothers me at all. You see, there are other people who just... live. Like, they go to their work, come back to their homes, sleep with their spouses, go hangout somewhere on a weekend, etc. I robbed myself of it. Wanna know why? I don't think I am eligible.
More than so, I do not think it's the whole idea of living here. What was I born for? My parents had some fuzzy dificulties in their relationship, but anyway my birth was more or less NOT a coincedence. It's cynical from me to talk it this way, but who gonna care /*except me*/. Do I live here only to pay my bills and sleep with my wife? Occassionaly go to a theatre or something? Watch new Ovengers movie? There's got to be something else to it.
Most of those who I knew personally, male or female, have about the same idea of what is "good life". Pretty conventional. Most of humans do believe in same basic values, in fact. Now, of course it's not all so simple, but anyway - we eat, we breed, we die. And this is how it goes. What does it stand for? And why, gosh, why I can't just skip thinking about it and fall the same flow with others?!
I wish I was good at writing
It's believed that you should keep your dreams to yourself because if you have spoken of it, it might be never achieved as a result. Or something like this, with a few adjustments. Anyway. I always dreamed for something. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a scientist, or inventor (many wanted to bcoz of that movie "Honey, I shrunk the kids"). I wanted to be a badass hero kind of guy, because of Xmen and Murtal Kombat. Growing up a little, I wanted to stick with flash animation and make a career in game development (nothing unusual for our age). Later, I wanted to be a psychologist. Or, at least, I told myself I did. And now, all the while I could still apply to any of those jobs (ha ha ha), I dream to be a writer.
I kind of guessed where all that comes from, but still it's not really promising. Especially when I am so self-aware that I know I will keep on doubting and eventually hit a dead end, just like with everything else. And where all that doubt comes from? From the same source that caused the first part of this post. I don't necessarily believe in what others believe, I do not share the same vision of "success" and this causes to think there's something deeply wrong with me. And from there, I doubt everything else. I even comprehend how to overcome that feeling but still it won't help to stand down and focus on basic material values, instead of keep on trying to grasp something you can't see or touch.
One other thing
What also strikes me down, is that all my seizuring and coughing in here wouldn't have any value either. Essentialy. Though I wish I could come back here one day and see this and just laugh, in fact it's just the same story told in a bit different words. Every time, even now. For that, I sometimes wish I could erase my own memory, like I erase my private messages or e-mails or whatever. But I cannot. I can pretend I forgot, but it will always prevail. So, unless third world war starts soon and I would have to go and die for my country, I should really come up with something, or else I will totally lose my mind and no blog or therapist will save me. People will treat me like a madman, fill my mouth with pills and brainwash me till I finally become nothing but a ghost. Scary sh!t.
Bye.
Monday, February 15, 2016
...a little bit more odd
What about
So it's Monday, 19:45 as I start to write here, and I still got no call from my potential employers. In my mind, that concludes that I fkd up somewhere, so they won't see me as a good option, and just pick someone else. At this point, I'm not that much surprised, as I'm pretty much used to be a food for "bigger fish" in some metaphorical sense. As the time goes by, I am more and more concerned about some weird life direction choices I've made (if I ever did) and where it leads me, even in strict practical view, not just that poetry stuff.
...As I find myself deeply involved in my sad "reflectionism" just once again, it's no big deal I end up reading, or watching, or tuning to someone else's blog/podcast. Now, with the previous post I had published just about few days ago, the blog I decided to check is, of course, the hidden experience by Mike Clelland. Now, it's already been kind of weird to begin with, because... *here I'm stuck, due to I don't really know how to describe what's going on so that it would be comprehensible* Let's put it like this (I'm kind of stealing the approach, but that's basically one of the things everyone has to pass through while trying to write something, generally):
- Despite all the "pre-existing" mythology and controversity around owls in general, it was something new to me to see "owls", "UFO" and "syncronicity" in one same topic. That's why I was attracted there in the 1st place.
- Even if I would have to exclude as much subjective background as I could, I'm still stuck with some sort of feeling that the stuff I've just stumbled upon has something to do with my life. Even though I'm ACTUALLY living in another part of the world, was born into speaking another language, and basically not much into making any kind of research.
- Now, if I, on the other hand, turn on all of kinds of syncronicty events (big and small) into these last couple of days, there's just wa-a-a-a-y too much to ignore. It starts off with David Bowie, follows up with blogs and trying to make sense of something not that much easily described with words. But more on that later.
I'd like to, again, try to look objective and sh~t, but it's a damn hard job to pull through, to be honest. First of all, whilst speaking of all the kinds of esoterical, mystical themes, you often feel a bit embarassed in a way, because at some angle it would make no sense at all. Hell, I sometimes wonder if I could end up in some sort of mental institution one day, just by the fact I'm into this stuff, time after time. You could blame my unoccupied state, and for that I would agree with you. Indeed, if I was working my S off 12 hours a day, I would have close to none time to sit around PC, blogging. But at the same time, I know I can't alter myself with this need to embrace the "spooky stuff" and basically just reflect on how things are going down with my concept of "me". But that just feels like I now have said too much, but haven't said enough.
So... what was it?
I was reading that blog. And yeah, I did stumble upon quite a LOT of interesting things, and I can easily relate to them. And, by the matter of fact, I can't just sit there in my room and keep myself shut, because there's an urge to share what I think and feel, here. I'd like to begin with some things that are popping out right away in my field of view, for starters. I'll try to divide my "inspections", so the whole thing won't end up as messy as I know it would get without any editing. And without further ado, let me dive into this.
OK, first. Back to Friday, soon after I first encountered that video on utub and, basically, re-discovered that weird feeling of finding "meaningful coincedences", I was also watching some other, umm, "unrelated" stuff. That were, mostly, top-10 listings, various in nature, by utub channel WutchModjo.com /*why do I need to alter the names of known media hosts or interweb shows? no idea*/. What's interesting here, is that while most of these had fairly different subject matter, they often featured same content.
Example is when I was watching, let's say, "top-10 movies to watch high" /*why the f*** I need to watch this, anyway?*/ and later on I would watch "top-10 something else I forgot what sorry movies" there gonna be a movie from certain director, and, basically, the same footage used. Here I must make a quick detour, and say: YES, there are things implemented into utub such as "related videos", or playlists, and so on, but eventually it's my hand and my head that decide what buttons will be pushed (or at least it's what I have got to believe). So, long story short, I've encountered on multiple occasions: films by Kubrick (no surprise here, I guess); films about altered states of consciousness (f*** that sh~t, almost dropped my jaw); "Labyrinth" movie with David Bowie having one of the central roles; and, also, some "weird movies", which is a complete mindf**k, although certain movies I watched myself and knew from the start fairly well (e.g. "Eraserhead" by D. Lynch).
With all that being said, let's return back to me reading the given blog. What do you think crossed my mind, as soon as I stumbled upon topics such as "David Bowie, owls and Labyrinth" and a whole post reffering to "2001: a space oddysey" and also "Planet of the Apes"?
...I also was a bit plagued by David Cronenberg's works while sitting idle and watching utub. I'm actually pretty much glad I haven't encountered ANYTHING related to this... yet. Ha. In fact, the film that popped up the most frequent (after "The Fly") was "The Naked Lunch", which is based upon a book by William S. Burroughs who I knew before from another book by RAW. Ugh... Not exactly sure why I had to write this down, but I'm assuming it got something to do wih that nasty typewriter "machine" from the movie... Oh, and also I suddenly revealed for myself a connection between this and official videoclip for Centipede track by Knife Party. Ha.
TOO MUCH TEXT!!!
I just briefly overlooked what I've put down on this page so far. Oh sh~t, never thought I'd be this much "talkative". I mean, I'm kinda used to write a lot of letters and stuff, but I rarely have this much excitement for it. Before I lose it completely and start putting things entirely messed up, so noone (even myself, in the future) would possibly see any kind of relation, I'll have to quickly make some sort of summary here. Why and when and how all of this started. And I'm talking just about recent events here, not mentioning my "23 obsession" or anything like this.
So, it kickstarted with the year 2015, for some reason, and, more precisely, with the release of MGSV:TPP. From there, I almost immediately tuned into some Bowie music, because the prologue sequence soundtrack is actually a cover of one of the Bowie's songs by Midge Ure. At that point of time, I knew little of David Bowie. I only knew his name was already legendary; personally, only knew his song "I'm deranged" from, again, an intro sequence in "Lost Highway". Also, the song "I'm afraid of americans", and maybe that concludes it, because - funny or not - I never did quite knew how Space Oddity sounds. Yeah.
Then, after me digging stuff on webs, trying to fill my empty knowledge base space with some Bowie music, I see a suggested video on utub called "Blackstar" and, of course, I dive right into. Shortly after - news of Bowie's passing. Now, that made me be quite shocked, because, from my perspective, this was completely out of nowhere and it haunted me, because in some sort of weird way I felt guilty (why the f***, noone knows).
I was also fired from my job about the same time period, because "the company's policy changed and we had to decrease staff numbers" or somesh~t. I entered this fkn "unemployed" state while I actually had quite a lot of plans and all just breaks apart as I will now have to find a new job, get used to it, get familiar with my financial situation again, etc etc etc. And instead of quickly pulling sh~t together, I just sat down and played a f**kload of videogames and watched a lot of utub vids. From there, eventually, saw that Bowie was inspiration behind many of Hideo Kojima's decisions in MGS franchise. That was still quite a surprise, all the while I COULD have knew it already, except for I DID NOT.
And not that long ago, I sent an e-mail and had a call back shortly following about that job offer, I went there, had some routine, not really feeling convincing enough, maybe, and got home in the evening. What I did next? Another load of random utub serfing that ends with what it ends, I got previous post all about it. My mind tickled with some weird connections I never could've figured. Apart from famous Twin Peaks imagery, I never thought anything special about owls. Even no Harry Potter stuff, because it wasn't something interesting for me all these years. And now I see someone doing a research on such weird stuff as ET contacts and it's close relation to owl sightings. Interesting... And the very few days later, I see "David Bowie, owls and Labyrinth" as some kind of conclusion and a good reason to stop, and try to think: what it all means?
Pause
Well. If I understand anything from my 23 years (from which I can't remember my whole time but some general "plot twists") now on this planet, then it's that the "reality" heavily depends on the observer. Some events will be rather unnoticable for one person while gigantic for someone else. This is why it pains me so much, because that would eventually lead you to understanding that nothing is "true". Whatever way of thinking I chose, I can theoretically explain same things with some other way of thinking. I've talked about this issue way too many times and I start to be bored with it, in fact.
There are times, however, when all of this "controversity" magically dismisses itself, leaving me with a rather unnatural feeling which I can't precisely describe, but everything feels like it was orchestrated NOT BY MYSELF. Me, learning english language /*there's plenty to work on, though*/, going to one of the largest universities of my city for the - none other - psychology faculty, listening to Assemblage 23, playing Metal Gear Solid, speaking with people from other parts of the world thanks to globalization and interweb, having a blog, having a twitta account, etc... Without all of that (and many other things I'm pushing myself to skip now, because the post is way too large already), none of the events I stated above in this post would make any sense or any value to notice. But being the person I am now, for the bad or for the good, it just shines so much I can't get my eyes off.
Until next time!
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