So, it's been quite some time.
I wonder how much longer will it take. Last morning was one of the worst mornings I had for about an year. There are multiple ways "The Universe" could remind you how pathetic and pointless your life is; pissing yourself is one of those. ...Yeah. that sounds f@%*ing awful. I did not spend much time thinking about whether I should or should not share details like that one above, but - heck! - I'll die sooner or later so does it matter?
Human experience did not presented me with much miracles so far, rather constantly reminding me of the nature of my temporary existence. It's not that I wake up in my own filth all the time, this doesn't happen all too often (thankfully), but I still have my stomach to feed, my teeth to brush, cuticles to cut, and so forth.
In this constant process of these vicious cycles, you sooner or later realise that you, yourself, is a disposable thing. It's not long before your body will be destructed and consumed, one way or another. I have to live with this idea right from my birth, knowing I will end up dead. I have to keep in mind that my existence and my consciousness will end up eventually, and this is an axiom; you don't need to prove this.
OK, there is that edge we approach right about now, where it gets strange. First off, I'd like to state that I am fully aware that I am not the most suffering creature on this godforsaken planet. Of course, I do realise that there have been (and will be, presumably) those who are suffering harder than me. Someone who was drained of hope, who witnessed their beloved ones die, who endured terrible acts of violence. It's a pretty simple idea, but it still doesn't help you out. Why? Because when speaking about such subjects as the "meaning of life", you will only talk about yours and only yours subjective view of the matter, so you cannot tap into someone else's at full.
...With that out of the way, let me continue. So. I am in my twenties, and I got nothing. I still have no job (if that is not obvious enough), I have no money in the bank, no cornerstones and no achievements. All I got is my father paying my bills, my mother who is often too forgiving and my little brother who still is too young. Now, I could have been a pretty happy man, I suppose. That did not happen, however, and on the top of that - I am not alone. In fact, I was quite surprised to discover that there are lots and lots of folks of both genders with thoughts similar to those of my mind. I mean, I always knew about goths, ok? but this is different.
In fact, a large part of Earth's population is not just "sad", but in a severe depression, all the while their lives are in an approximate middle of the average lifespan. Many of them even have a job, a family, a good position in social structures. But they still have to bear this whole "suffering" feeling. Why? If we all know what we are coming towards in each individual "journey" (because me personally don't know any single case of someone who came back from the dead; maybe these accounts are just too well hidden), where's the point of pushing forward?
Now I'd like to make a little detour. Just a few days ago, one of my all-time favourite artists released the new music album. I strongly feel like this is one of those cases where I must say this event was of utter importance to me. This is something that helps to live, in general. Somehow this music always helped me to seal off my worst intentions. There are lots and lots of details I'd like to come around when speaking about this given music artist, but I'll save it for a better time.
This album reminded me that there's still hope. I spoke about such theme before, so I gonna have to repeat myself, but anyway. We should do our best to try and live our lives no matter how hard it hits. To say the least, each life is an opportunity: maybe your kid is a great musician, but we'll never know if he commits suicide, right? I guess we need to get our sh*t together so we secure these chances, not just give up and waste the potential. A bullet to the head is the easiest solution, but is this valuable?
This is one of the reasons why we are still here as species. If we all come to the point where all hope is lost, that will be the end of humanity. Until then, each and single one of us has his/her(its?) right to take the chances. I guess this is also an easy thought experiment; too bad some people never had their chance to believe in this.
I take too many things from outside world personally. At some degree, everything I ever percieved is completely personal. However, it's not that this whole wretched world is under my full control. Damn, I couldn't even commit suicide -- Why? The main reason at this point of time is my brother. He just doesn't deserve this. I don't want this situation to arise where his brother was a 20-something years old bastard who did not have the nerve to stay strong and just killed himself. What kind of f@%*ing example is that?! And also, things I described in previous piece of text. One day or another, the moment will come anyway, why do I have to make it all faster? more than that, even while I never comitted a serious crime, I bet I still got quite a company of people who would like to get rid of me. How do I know if they could or could not succeed? Ha ha ha.
So, it's another case where I sat down to my old computer and typed some stupid words that I don't even use to the fullest (I mean, I am not that good with English). I tried to express what I feel. I do this again and again, as you may guess, and it never works. I am not unique in my quest to find out what this whole "life" phenomenon even means. There have been many and many others all around the world who shared their visions, their views, their hopes and their bullsh*t too. I have to keep that in mind, as well as I have to keep in mind that I might die literally any minute, from whatever the f*ck reason there might be, so I am - up to this day and furthermore, if I'm lucky - trying to guess will it ever have a proper ending sequence.
All my actions, as small as they are, lead somewhere. I refuse to think otherwise. I used to, but by realising you're a little noname with no fate of any sort, why won't you just go dig a hole and die there? Right? Therefore, I must live on. Whatever little pathetic creature I am. I have my health issues, big and small, but I am still here and alive. I happen to be a 24 years old thin human with troubled skin right now, but what if I might become something more meaningful? There's still a place for dreams even in a heart as small and rotten as mine.
Nothing changes much. Nothing persists.
I wonder how much longer will it take. Last morning was one of the worst mornings I had for about an year. There are multiple ways "The Universe" could remind you how pathetic and pointless your life is; pissing yourself is one of those. ...Yeah. that sounds f@%*ing awful. I did not spend much time thinking about whether I should or should not share details like that one above, but - heck! - I'll die sooner or later so does it matter?
Human experience did not presented me with much miracles so far, rather constantly reminding me of the nature of my temporary existence. It's not that I wake up in my own filth all the time, this doesn't happen all too often (thankfully), but I still have my stomach to feed, my teeth to brush, cuticles to cut, and so forth.
In this constant process of these vicious cycles, you sooner or later realise that you, yourself, is a disposable thing. It's not long before your body will be destructed and consumed, one way or another. I have to live with this idea right from my birth, knowing I will end up dead. I have to keep in mind that my existence and my consciousness will end up eventually, and this is an axiom; you don't need to prove this.
Then why do I have to keep suffering?
OK, there is that edge we approach right about now, where it gets strange. First off, I'd like to state that I am fully aware that I am not the most suffering creature on this godforsaken planet. Of course, I do realise that there have been (and will be, presumably) those who are suffering harder than me. Someone who was drained of hope, who witnessed their beloved ones die, who endured terrible acts of violence. It's a pretty simple idea, but it still doesn't help you out. Why? Because when speaking about such subjects as the "meaning of life", you will only talk about yours and only yours subjective view of the matter, so you cannot tap into someone else's at full.
...With that out of the way, let me continue. So. I am in my twenties, and I got nothing. I still have no job (if that is not obvious enough), I have no money in the bank, no cornerstones and no achievements. All I got is my father paying my bills, my mother who is often too forgiving and my little brother who still is too young. Now, I could have been a pretty happy man, I suppose. That did not happen, however, and on the top of that - I am not alone. In fact, I was quite surprised to discover that there are lots and lots of folks of both genders with thoughts similar to those of my mind. I mean, I always knew about goths, ok? but this is different.
In fact, a large part of Earth's population is not just "sad", but in a severe depression, all the while their lives are in an approximate middle of the average lifespan. Many of them even have a job, a family, a good position in social structures. But they still have to bear this whole "suffering" feeling. Why? If we all know what we are coming towards in each individual "journey" (because me personally don't know any single case of someone who came back from the dead; maybe these accounts are just too well hidden), where's the point of pushing forward?
Endure
Now I'd like to make a little detour. Just a few days ago, one of my all-time favourite artists released the new music album. I strongly feel like this is one of those cases where I must say this event was of utter importance to me. This is something that helps to live, in general. Somehow this music always helped me to seal off my worst intentions. There are lots and lots of details I'd like to come around when speaking about this given music artist, but I'll save it for a better time.
This album reminded me that there's still hope. I spoke about such theme before, so I gonna have to repeat myself, but anyway. We should do our best to try and live our lives no matter how hard it hits. To say the least, each life is an opportunity: maybe your kid is a great musician, but we'll never know if he commits suicide, right? I guess we need to get our sh*t together so we secure these chances, not just give up and waste the potential. A bullet to the head is the easiest solution, but is this valuable?
This is one of the reasons why we are still here as species. If we all come to the point where all hope is lost, that will be the end of humanity. Until then, each and single one of us has his/her(its?) right to take the chances. I guess this is also an easy thought experiment; too bad some people never had their chance to believe in this.
Back to me
I take too many things from outside world personally. At some degree, everything I ever percieved is completely personal. However, it's not that this whole wretched world is under my full control. Damn, I couldn't even commit suicide -- Why? The main reason at this point of time is my brother. He just doesn't deserve this. I don't want this situation to arise where his brother was a 20-something years old bastard who did not have the nerve to stay strong and just killed himself. What kind of f@%*ing example is that?! And also, things I described in previous piece of text. One day or another, the moment will come anyway, why do I have to make it all faster? more than that, even while I never comitted a serious crime, I bet I still got quite a company of people who would like to get rid of me. How do I know if they could or could not succeed? Ha ha ha.
So, it's another case where I sat down to my old computer and typed some stupid words that I don't even use to the fullest (I mean, I am not that good with English). I tried to express what I feel. I do this again and again, as you may guess, and it never works. I am not unique in my quest to find out what this whole "life" phenomenon even means. There have been many and many others all around the world who shared their visions, their views, their hopes and their bullsh*t too. I have to keep that in mind, as well as I have to keep in mind that I might die literally any minute, from whatever the f*ck reason there might be, so I am - up to this day and furthermore, if I'm lucky - trying to guess will it ever have a proper ending sequence.
All my actions, as small as they are, lead somewhere. I refuse to think otherwise. I used to, but by realising you're a little noname with no fate of any sort, why won't you just go dig a hole and die there? Right? Therefore, I must live on. Whatever little pathetic creature I am. I have my health issues, big and small, but I am still here and alive. I happen to be a 24 years old thin human with troubled skin right now, but what if I might become something more meaningful? There's still a place for dreams even in a heart as small and rotten as mine.
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