Talking about my skin this time.

Aye.

Accept my apology in advance, because each time I'm starting to put something here I just end up complaining, pretty self-centric (that's not something exceptionally abusive tho, I guess), and every time in the end all I'm thinking is: "was there even something to say in the first place?"

But anyway, I'm going on with a theme that I normally don't discuss with anyone because it's rather too uncomfortable or there's too much noise all out of nothing. It's about the problems with my skin that I have for - how long now? - approximately TEN YEARS. And yes, it's the same thing everyone have to go through upon reaching puberty where your body starts to act a bit different considering it finally obtains all the functions that are in place to be an "adult". When I was 13, I thought I'm totally OK with all of that and I'm just like everyone around. But before I knew it, my skin has become a troll fat farm and the consequences are here now. So in my case this sh~t is called acne vulgaris and if you don't want a good sleep tonight, then go on and gugol it. Back in 15 I guess checked at the doctor dosen of times. While the disease was more or less fully described and I had that knowledge, no odrinary things to ease my... sufferings... seemed to work out well.

I had a special diet (reduce sugar, reduce spicy pepper and bla blah blah it goes a  long way), then I had physical procedures such as expose to UV lamp or how is this called in english I have no clue. Therapy gave some positive results at the begining, but of course it wasn't something to overcome the trouble as just about 2-3 months it stopped working. Now, there's always that thing common people say, that it's all my fault. And yes, I might accept quite a list of things I am really guilty of: not going out often, living in my cave, eating chocolate bars and energy drinks, never caring for my bad health status overall, yeah yeah yeah. I'm quite an ignorant f****r, but still it makes me wonder how come people don't have enough brain cell power to comprehend that's not something done easy when you are knee-deep in trouble w/o getting help from the outside?

The reason I am stucked in my 4 walls fortress with one virtual window is that each time I have to go out with someone or just for myself I have to fight with the guy in the mirror. I have to convince myself that I'm OK, though I'm not and it's clearily visible. Of course staying as it is and giving up on things is much less power-consumptive so here goes. I just don't want to take any steps towards trying again. Because... all those meds have been done before. Tried to change my ties and throw out some living baggage and then I just return to my warm chair anyway because the same stuff taking a small leap upwards and biting the tail once more.

For this given moment it's hard to say if there's any way to stop this whatsoever without fkn picking a knife and shed myself and my face to tiny bloody pieces. And it's not even my build or anything. I like my face, I like my big nose and ears and I love my body at least at the level of not going for suicide attempt. But the skin... It's like having a well-around unique 3D model for your game but texture artist completely fkd things up. At this moment, about 40% /*Wait, what? f**k no, there's much more of it*/ of my body is covered with this thing. It's my face, my neck, my torso, my back, shoulders, hips, and my butt too, ofc. I can't go swimming (even if doc would say I need that), I can't go to a beach, I basically won't even change clothes in a dresser room in presence of people (that was a small issue back in the day when I still had to work and I had work robes). This is a complete pain in the S no matter from what angle you'd look at it. Friends try to cheer me up, but some times they just won't accept me with my "I can't go, sorry". I guess there's a plenty of psychology-related stuff ongoing still for these 10 years, but more or less I became at the very least confident I'm still a human being and maybe I even deserve to live //funny? no?

And the last little piece of cake is that I'm soon to be turned 24 yo (hopefully) and still I carry all my trouble and can't get fkn over it. There are those fitness clubs, cosmetology cabinets, vegetables, and somesh*t... Of course, yes. But it's still up to me to change things up, and I don't feel in any way I am ready for it. If you'd know me a bit close, you'd be aware that there were things in my life that triggered my "spider-sense" so I'd end up thinking "IT'S THE RIGHT MOMENT TO CHANGE THINGS FOR THE BETTER!" but other than thinking it doesn't go any further. Noone will come around and say 'I understand you" so I will feel that this is true. People been trying to help, but they're out of my sole brain cage, they don't know what cockroaches are in my CNS. And, how sad that'd be? - I'm not sure I do.

*The End of Chapter #674595*

No title available

I was playing R6: Siege...

...and I had the lowest score all the way thru. And we (me and friend) weren't even playing competetive multiplayer, it was Terrorist Hunt mode vs. bots. The diff. was set to 'Hard', but that doesn't excuse anything. I don't know how it's all related, but I was so frustrated, so the only place I could've gone to is this blog.

You know, I never normally care about my K/D Ratios and scores and sh*t like that (partly because I know I won't be on the top 3 anyway on the score table for nearly 99% of the time), but recent failures in playing videogames... f**k, now how low is that?! But as I was saying, recent failures correspond perfectly to my current "real life" situation. Back about three weeks ago I was working, and now I just don't know where to go in search for a new job. I just don't know.

I feel like noone's going to hire me. I know that this is not a mood you're looking for when in search for a good place to work, but I can't help it. The scary thing is that I know all this sh*t from inside out, but can't do anything to pull myself together and get on my fkn legs upright. My usual programm for more than two weeks now is:

1. play videogames
2. go to sleep at 4 am
3. wake up at 4 pm
4. play videogames

By "videogames" I mean actually PC games, as I don't have any consoles. Still, my monitor is actually a TV screen as well, so that works.

I am disgraced once more for humping this poor blog again with my misery, but as stated above, I'm not doing much else either way so why not. My feelings are blurred. I still got a hope for a better day tommorow (relatively speaking), but I know that for now I'm BOTH LEGS in sh*t up to my knees level. So I was also hoping that maybe while I'm doing nothing good in real world, maybe I can achieve something on the screen -- but no, no sir.

Back about some sh*t talk I made earlier on.

So hey! I've been reading my blog over again. And, uh, it seemed pretty fkd up. I learned that I am not really careful giving false promises and also generally not being accurate with how I think about certain things. And - hell - I won't pull any examples here. Because... F**k that. I am reading how I don't really like blogs and sh!t because people spread their sh*t over, but next up I state that I like blogs because it's awesome to hear someone out.

Such ambivalence (that spelled right?) pursues me on every road I take. Maybe that is a side-effect from my general life position. I don't really have a "life position". What I have is a sh!tty concept, where noone's opinion ever matters because at the end of the day it's just a different version that does not cover the entire thing. The enitre life thing. So this follows up with next thoughts which are
1) nothing is true; 2)if nothing is true, having an opinion is a "bad" thing; 3) but if nothing is true, having an opinion is also a "good" thing; 4) nothing is EVER true.

With that wheel in my head (that obviously never helps much) I keep on rolling and rolling an' rolling. By the way, I'm also not quite logical, and I can see that in this little article, as well as throughout my blog, as well as throughout my life in general. That also won't contribute in maintaining a life full of happiness and cakes. I started this "essay" with a game, which subtitle is "Siege". I like this word. It kinda describes what situation I got in my brain. I wish it was safe to say that I am constantly looking for a way to get out, but that might also be a foolish lie.

One more thing. Specifically about my previous "2015 la la la" post. I thought about it today again, because this evening I've read a similarly themed post on Feisbuk from an artist that I like. It was good and cincere and all things. SO I came back to my post in my mind and... Well, I just have to admit I forgot to add some good things. But does it matter? Yeah I already asked that. And I think I know what the answer is.

Hey, maybe I'll just stop one day. Maybe.

Blowgs

Hi.

I've been watching some other ppls vlogs again...

Yeah, it's me again, and I won't really spend more time on going over how I'm stressful, and dissatisfied, and frustrated as I got fired and no job and my glasses are in some kinda mud again, and sh!t, and stuff like this. Instead, I'm here to say I joost watched some vlog of one person on utub, and kinda liked a lot. In fact, I did like it a lot, so I instantly subbed to this person's utub channel and went to twitr and followed her there too.

This doesn't make any sense, huh? I mean, why would I come up here with all this trash talk? But the thing is, it made me wonder. It made me think about the current state of... quite everything. Look, it's not even 5 years b4 there wasn't really all this much of twitrs and vlogs and utubs of famous people (or somehow growing famous), and now almost erry large "media object" has its' own account on all kinds of popular social media sites/services. SW has its own IG account, they got twitr too and utub, ofc; vaalve has those too, and most of those large game developers studios have it. Many TV shows have their own FB pages, where they share some cool posts, and art, and fanart, and shish like that.

I enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot.

Maybe this is all bcoz I'm kind of new to this (I only use this damn iphonn for like 2 years now-something) /*I might be also a bit drunk*/, but, one way or another, these are all gr8 things, and I like to keep in touch with all the things I really like with a simple.. well.. touch. /*we dont really have buttons on phones anymore, do we?*/ And even more than this, I enjoy the fact that it's here now, for like, erry1. So when in this vlog I've watched, she talked about this sort of thing (in particular, a somekinda thread on one of those infinite interweb forums, where peeps discussed her, and commented, and stuff), and she also stated she actually reads comments and - huh - tweets and alike, it made me happy for that I can just go follow her on twitr like right naw and show "support" (if this is). Because I liked what she said. This way, I have to admit I like this interwebs stuff going

...and less specifically,

for all I know, I'm kinda desperate for folks' attention, but the thing about me is that I don't do sh!t. I don't do anything spectacular, and I already described my feelings about, well, "being me" (in prev. posts here, in this blog), let's just skip that and continue... on a larger scale. The meaning of all these "shares" and "likes" and pages and posts... is not really something personal. If you "scope out", for a moment. It's a rather good sign that people are trying to communicate in a slightly different way, not even like interwebs in general. All these vids I see, where people just... TALK... and share their views on things and their opinions, make me realise that this is cool. /*...srsly? wtf is a conclusion like this?!*/ What I meant is that showing yourself out in the open, using the technology of this age to stay "connected" to the world around you, to be aware, to gain knowledge from different people throughout the world... is cool. I don't think we've ever been like this before (but that's not necessarily true). With that being said

I wish for a future where...

 

people just STOP complaining and judging some1 else, just because they live in a "foreign country", have a different appearance or beliefs, eat different food, and their culture is something you don't fully comprehend from your current position. But reality is always something different from your hopes and thoughts, no matter what the word "reality" could even be applied to. And then there are all those negative sides of the globalisation and "freedom" and information spread. We have even MORE hate, we got more people complain, HURT each other on every fkn level possible... starting from a silly child trolling some1 on those forums and ending with some1 bombing civilians in other country. And so why is that? Why with all those wonderful things about sharing knowledge, care and suport we end up with this?

 

Human nature. It will take literally tthousands of generations to put an end to this, if we won't end up dead meat first, as an alternative. You can blame politics, religion, science, skin color, weather, magnetic fields, parasites or whatever the F**K else... it doesn't matter. The real thing starts once you stop blaming and start to care. I learn this the hard way. Not as hard as someone else who has much deeper violence for their own soul, with this cruel world having a feast on human's weak points. So to kind of sum it up, because it went far further than I anticipated at first, I'll just say I wish for the future where every human soul, no matter of what they got on their minds, will they be sith or jedi or fkn ewok or whatever... Just generally... I wish...

 

people will spread support rather than destruction.

 

The end of part %NUMBER_VALUE_SHISH%. To be continued...

//fixed this genius post a bit to make it a bit more like smthng worth reading. But it's not.