The Year 2015

Greetings!
Here I am going to write down my thoughts (WOW) on this year, because I got a feeling this was a very special year of my life personally and like one of the most exciting years in this decade (huh?) for the whole world. I am not counting any negative sides though, because all the while it was a great year in the field of movies, videogames and entertainment, it was also a VERY cruel year in general, giving us major casualties and losses. But it's the New Year's Eve soon, so let's do ourselves a favor and focus on positive sides.

//this article is still in the works but I had a feeling I should publish it regardless.

Why is 2015 so special for me

So, for starters, in this year I turned 23. On April, 9th, this goofy tall thin skin-problematic punk
has become twenty three years old. Quite an important event of my life, honestly. There were good thing prior to that, of course, but the most exciting things started to happen in my personal 24th year of living.

To be as brief as possible (because I can go veeery far with constantly repeating themes and silly words right here as I was used to), I'll try and breakdown the most over-the-top moments of this year for me. Not sure if this will be 100% accurate in means of date/time, but at least 100% right in means of chronological order.

Here goes... //still WIP, though.Ha.

2015

January:

• went to cinema (on Jan, 1st, ha!) to see John Wick movie

February:

• went to Die Antwoord concert here, in Saint-Petersburg
• bought Metal Gear Solid Touch in AppStore
• bought and watched Man of Tai Chi (iTunes)

March:

• bought and read Watchmen (DC comics app)
• went to cinema to see Chappie movie. Did it 2 times more in following week.
• bought John Wick OST, Chappie OST and a few albums of Assemblage 23 (iTunes)
• bought METAL GEAR SOLID V: GROUND ZEROES (Steam)

April:

• bought new album by The Prodigy - The Day is My Enemy (iTunes)

May:

• went to Comic-Con Spb
• pre-ordered Batman: Arkham Knight (Steam)
• watched Kung Fury

June:

• moved to a flat (rent), away from parents' nest
• got more of Batman comics from DC mobile app

July:

• vacation, completely alone on two houses //that was quite a relief
• watched Interstellar and Under the Red Hood (iTunes rental)
• bought more of Assemblage 23 albums (iTunes)

August:

• went to Starcon
• pre-ordered METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN
• played some Fallout Shelter (AppStore)
• played some Call of Duty: Black Ops III BETA

September:

• METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN released
• played some Rainbow Six: Siege BETA

October:

• nothing much, really. Except I watched first episode from Max Headroom, which was surprisingly good

November:

• registered a Twitter account //which proven to be very useful later
• November update for MGSV:TPP //sets a right course
• Stefanie liked my stupid post on Twitter (probably out of pity lol)
• mr. Bowie released a video clip
• registered on Soundcloud //good move

December:

• The Game Awards //watched from my phone, burned all my traffic
• Good friend returned back from army
• Star Wars: The Force Awakens //nuff said.

 

//More will be added soon to complete the list, and the "deadline" supposed to be Dec, 31st.

 

...a Bit Of Commentary

Considering the fact none of the above is something extraordinary, I must also admit it was a very "intense" year for me because I normally do not move my ass anywhere. These events I pointed out do mean a lot to me, as most of them possibly could have never happen with my usual pace. The engine for most of those has been... my phone. Without, I'd never knew certain things coming my way, and - what's far more important - I'd never met so many great people. Some of those I met on IG do mean a lot to me no matter we never met and possibly never will. It's a funny thing somehow, but I could say that I feel like we've been through a lot together, which is obviously impossible but this is how I feel.

 

Certainly, many "bad" events happened to me during the year, including myself got fired just prior to celebration of the New Year (how ridiculous is that?). What happened to the world I don't even want to recall. There been a lot of misery and pain for many families worldwide.

 

I wish the next year will be far more greater than the previous one, and yet 2015 will always have a warm room in my heart because I really admire it and likely will relive the memories stored in various databanks including this one.

 

Cheers!

Happy New Year!

See you in 2016!

Sense

Aight, so I'm here again.
You know, people sometimes say: "Oh, something's got into me so I did this" ? I guess it's my time.
And no, I did not kill someone or beaten or anything like this. It's just what I am doing here on this
blogger thingy.

Trying to make sense?

Oh, I've been thinking. I kept on doing this for quite a while. First, I had this little notes book where
I wrote down whatever I felt needed to be put on paper. Back then, it was just me. There was nothing much to it, a regular diary that girls usually have somewhere in a secret place. Except I am not a girl, and certain things in life do not really interest or disturb me. Time goes on, of course. Later on, I had a larger book for the same thing. I almost forgot to mention that that first book I had was in my mom's hands, and it was me who gave it to her. I don't eactly remember what it was, but I was at a rather "critical" (yeah, sounds awful) time at my teen age and I needed support and some understanding from someone "outside".

In about year after or something, I registered on russian social network vkontakte or - as it's known to this moment - vk-dot-com. After a short time of having a little doubt and undergoing this insecurity feeling (I believe so), I've put some notes there, onto the web. I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be getting any attention, because it were still my thoughts that are more or less useless even to me. And about an year ago //no, it was in May - I just checked.
...I started this thing going.

I notice I always make an introductory word or something in each individual case. Like, there's always hope for me that someone actually read this? Also, bearing in mind I started from a personal notes format on to the web (starting with local social network and then open to the whole internet space), it comes to me I fail to succeed and I keep on enlarging the area of potential readers. Makes me laugh. If I had a proper financial plan, I'd be sending satelites to deep space now huh? No, I'm not in the position to ask someone to read this (oh, I actually did that before - my mom, and one of my closest friends were subjects), it's not what I am trying to say here and now. What I am trying to figure out is... What exactly I am doing? Making sense of... myself?

Subheading

Before, I already did went over my feelings about the world today and the technology we have and so on, but there are negative sides just as with everything else. One of those negative impacts on me personally is the fact that anyone in the world now possesses (that spelled right huh?) the power to freely shout out their opinion. All that social networking -- twitta, utube, gugl+ and stuff - potentially makes a wide open area of screaming worms like me. I also never really liked the whole blog idea initially back in late 2000s, when LJ popped out (that right?). Maybe I already described that. Sh~t, I start forgetting things. Don't even want to check it out. So all of this huge ammount of information and huge huge count of people - what are we doing, exactly?

I used to think that I run this thing only to make me live more comfortably as I *magically* reduce the amount of crap that pops out in my mind when I type in here (or write in text book or paint walls in my toilet - and no, I never did that, it's a joke). Thing is... It's not the case. Of course, at some very specific point of view, it helps. But overall just the fact I still do this over THIS LARGE time span
could mean only two things:
1) I have way too much stress to take and I constantly need this "write it down" thing going
2) I just desperately need attention like Ima whining girl that is not occupied and have no good realtionships and people to trust to give away what her feelings are and mom keeps distant and the whole world is dark and Billy doesn't pick up the phone and that sweater is too tight in the neck and so on, and so on, and so on.

F*ck, I'm so fed up with this sh*t. You'd be probably fed up too if you read the whole thing.
Of course, there are gents and ladies who have some blogs that are either interesting to read or have some decent advices (includes a lifehack of how to overcome depressions at autumn) or the personality is just too great no matter what the words are. But this is not me, and I know that because I have seen enough of different blogs by now and different people. Someone does it, someone does it better, but me... I am too f**king disturbed with this. Hell, maybe I just need to sleep more. Last months you would often see me playing FOB missions at night rather than actually sleeping in my bed. //those FOBs also give a lot of grey hairs, he he.

And, traditionally,

I just don't know what to do with it. GO DO SOME GYM WORK! GO READ A BOOK, YOU F***ER! GO GET A LIFE! No, no, no-no-no, and "no". I know how this mechanic works and I know I'm not getting any benefit from it. Wherever I go and whatever I do, it's just a matter of time. How long it is until I return here again? I've been kept "busy" for some days and months when I literally had no time to spend here or time to cry my sad face out in dark room with no electricity on, and stuff. But still I return here like a stupid dog without a necklace. Or with a necklace, rather.
I keep pulling some questions one after another, destined to do this for my entire life as I see it from now on. Maybe everyone is just about the same and they succeed to manage that while I fail to do so. See? Another question is just a few letters back. And I'm dying to have this going. I cannot allow myself to do anything... physical to it. And also, I actually want to live. At the very least, I want to live just to see myself coming back here and react to what was written 5, 10, 20, maybe 30 - if I am lucky enough - years ago. But I still don't know what tomorrow will be, and if it will be at all. Also, there is quite a low number of things I can decide to change for today, not even speaking of how it might turn in the future. My body is in terrible shape (seen worse, of course, but not mine), my mind is pretty much delusioned and very tired to fight itself over and over, my cuticles are grown already I need to go cut them right about now and also I had the water boiling about 15 minutes ago because I wanted some coffee before I go and try to breach one's FOB.

F*ck this life.




...
and no, not really.
 

My impressions on METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN

CAUTION! MASSIVE SPOILERS INCOMING!
DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED
THE GAME!

Alright, this one is going to be very large.

Foreword

The reason why I am typing these digital letters would be as plain as it could possibly be: I love it. I mean, I really love the game. In fact, love is not the only feeling I experience with this game. I went through hatred, through pain and sorrow, and much more. This would scare off a lot of people from me, I guess -- to worry about a game so much. Some people don't even care this much for their living, and here is me who can suffer from a loss of a staff member in an FOB mission. Anyway, I better get straight into this, as I have so many words cycling through my mind, and so many feelings to put "on paper", I am too much afraid I will lose it if I hesitate one more minute.

CHAPTER ONE: PREDICTIONS

I pre-ordered The Phantom Pain as quickly as I could. According to my transactions history, that was on August, 15th. The reasons... It would've been my worst mistake to miss it. Ever since 2008 (if I recall it right -- it's hard to remember the exact time), I've been always dreaming of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, but it never made it's way to PC, and I guess it was a dead end for a long time. So, getting a Metal Gear franchise game for my computer was my "idea fix", but I started to lose faith about the moment when MGO servers were shut down. So far, I only played the "Integral" edition of MGS1 for Windows, and a very poor port of MGS2. I loved them both, and they shifted my expectations and changed my impression on the franchise itself back in the day, as well as on japanese media in general.

This way, when METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE was ported to PC, it was like a gift from the Universe. Not only it was a nearly perfect port /*There are still debates, but it doesn't effect my opinion stated here.*/, with a very high level of tech optimization (for a console port), it was also released on Steam, and so it had achievements, as well as all the DLCs released on consoles already in the game. It was like a true case of "a dream that came true". But enough of that. I described pretty much everything of this in my review on TPP, which is available on my Steam profile.

...So with GROUND ZEROES completed weeks ago, and a great hope in my heart, I waited for the release. The game came out on September 1st. I remember I had a shift on that day, so I actually put a lot of effort to keep up to the evening of this day and staying on feet for the entire night. Frankly, I was far too much excited, so I never really needed any coffee, but I drank a lot of cups, regardless. The moment I pushed the SPACE button after the game was installed, I knew it will be the best day of the year. My brother was with me because he was excited too, and he did not have to go to school because he was feeling a little sick earlier, and doctor gave permission to stay at home for a week, undergoing some health care with pills and stuff like that. He was full alright at the moment we sat down to watch the game, however.

The "awakening"... It was a BLAST. I never experienced anything alike in YEARS. It was so intense, and mystical, and violent, and beatiful, all at the same time. I guess it really took a genius to make such an introduction. The cutscene where Venom Snake and Ocelot are making their way to Afghanistan was so good, I had my heartbeat rate increased. Although it was quite a replic of those Indiana Jones intersections, it felt completely right. And then there was that next cutscene.

CHAPTER TWO: "NOW GO, LET THE LEGEND COME BACK TO LIFE!"

...And this was that moment when I realized: "I am actually PLAYING this section they showed us on E3 an YEAR AGO!" How awesome is that?! It was hard to believe that the game ran so smooth just at the moment I entered this brand new "open world" environment. In my review for TPP, I briefly go over the fact I was actually disappointed about Metal Gear Solid going open-world. All of my worst fears wore off just at the moment I steered on D-Horse. First thing I did, was to go for a passage on the right, soon after the mountain. I did not want to follow the direction they showed on last year's E3, I wanted to arrange my own path and my own story. Pretty soon, I was capturing a small outpost. I did it the "right way", with not a single guard see me. I was actually surprised how happy I was with my first stealth "operation" to capture this little roadblock, as I immediately recieved an achievement for this. I played the whole night, almost without a break. And it felt right. My brother needed to sleep though, but he and I managed a deal that if I reach another point where a major cutscene will start, I will wake him up. How crazy is that? Well, this is Metal Gear Solid.

From the start, I knew I don't want to go everywhere guns blazing. I had a feeling I needed to keep as low casualty count as possible. I knew from the MGS2 that non-lethal approach is most likely your best way in the series. At the time, I only had a tranqualizer pistol. Essentialy, I had pretty much the same loadout I had in Ground Zeroes operation. By the moment my R&D unit started to develop fresh stuff, I already wanted a tranq sniper rifle pretty bad. For some reason, I knew I gonna need it. Frankly, a tranq sniper rifle would sound good if you think of a non-lethal approach. It will allow you to pick up distant targets, keeping them alive all the while. In MGS2, a modified mosin-nagant rifle did the trick. Here, as all the weapons are non-licensed (sad fact, which I had to accept and move forward), there was that "Renov" rifle. From the development tree, it was clear I am not going to get a silencer for this thing right away. That meant, I could've still use it, but if the enemy would be close, they will probably go on combat alert quickly as soon as they hear shot fired.

Now, why even I am going with that "tranq sniper rifle" thing? The answer is here. I got this rifle right about the moment where you receive this (I think first ever) "yellow-colored" SIDE OP. I am speaking about "CLOAKED IN SILENCE" mission. Yes, the first appearance of Quiet. Coincedence or not, the gap between me finishing development of that rifle, and the sniper duel versus Quiet, was close to none. It was like I knew the moment and the exact tool I wish to have on my hands. I never was a fan of sniping at all, more than this: I hated the duel versus Sniper Wolf in MGS1, so I had a feeling that this 1-on-1 standout with Quiet could be a nightmare. I remember, I received about 4 hits from her, but I managed to survive. I learned to wait, and careflly check my surroundings, so as a reward, I did enough hits to put the girl on sleep. Next up, I did not shoot her, as Miller wanted me to, of course, because who on Earth would do that?! So this was just a little example of how much impact this game had on me and my feelings, as after the mission I had that sense of proudness for me having done the right choice developing this rifle at the proper moment.

Now, I also want to tell I was not watching any videos on YouTube or anything like that regarding the game. By the moment I had 5% total progression, I already knew some basic things from previous games, as well as videos that KONAMI posted on their channel. I did not want to know more. I wanted all doors closed, waiting for me to approach them and be opened. Truth to be told, I also read a small post from PC Gamer called "Tips & Tricks" or something like that. There weren't any spoilers, except maybe for that medical platform room where Paz was kept. Probably I could've find it myself after a while, because I easily found myself hugging any door on Mother Base to see if it opens or not. All and all, there were small tips like how to use a cardoard box to quickly slide down from a mountain, or how to put a guard down when you are in a reflex mode. Nothing much, that is.

By the way, since the Ground Zeroes, I decided to turn reflex mode off. First of all, there was never such a thing in MGS1 or MGS2 or even MGR /*Zandatsu?*/. Secondly, with reflex mode off, I gain a sweet bonus in the end of each mission. And chicken hat? What, do I look like a chicken?! Furthermore, I tried as hard as I could to keep my missions with zero dead bodies and without triggering any alarms. This is quite a challenge. I know myself, however. Definately, I am not a hardcore try-hard gamer. I push myself to do certain thing until I achieve my goal, but if I know it will take more passion that was appreciated, I abandon my target for the time being. Like, that first mission in Africa region. I wanted to complete it without alarms and from a single attempt. But... Truth is, I was not prepared. I made quite a mistake when I extracted a soldier near that tank, and the other guard was too close, so he saw the balloon. Of course, he came to check the place, and he spotted me when I tried to take him down. From there, things turned ugly. I only managed to complete my mission from like 6th attempt (had to restart from checkpoint that is right after you turn off the refinery switch), so I was pretty unhappy with that, even though I got that Walker Gear from one of the guards.

Anyhow, most of my missions went rather smooth and as close to my goals as I could afford it to happen. I always wanted to honor my enemies and think of them as of human beings rather than walking meatbags. This allowed me to reduce victims of this war, picking out high-value targets with the fulton device and only killing the assassination target (wherever it's a mision or a side op). The real bloodshed started when I went to FOB missions at the end of october, as I killed far more soldiers than anticipated with these "FOB events" PFs.

CHAPTHER THREE: BITTER BUT BETTER

By the time I started to write it all down, I had nearly 300 hours on record in TPP. This game is the rare gem, that kept me thinking about it wherever I go, whatever I do. I completed all missions today and got an achievement for that too. I can say, I feel completely satisfied with the game, and I know I won't drop it here /*Hell yeah, I didn't!!!*/. I still have a hell of a lot things to do, and FOB missions will keep me busy furthermore.

I know, some people (including some of my friends) "finished" the game under 60 hours or something like that. Some of the folks only aimed for the story missions ("yellow-colored"), while I knew from the beginning: I wouldn't be the one to rush things up. I wanted to feel and enjoy every moment I could, up until that point that the majority will call "the end". For me, there was no ending in this game as I played it for a while, seeing all the possible activites around. I knew I will be still playing it, no matter if I reach that "last mission" or not. Of course, I was curious for where the story is going, and how the events may change it's tide.

I kept myself away from spoiling it, any way I could. There were videos in my YouTube feed called like "A TRUE ENDING" or "ALL ENDINGS" etc., there were also different topics in Steam news feed, but I kept my eyes closed and never checked this kind of stuff. More than this, I will never will /*You sure?*/. There is still a huge amount of things undiscovered for me in the game, and I want to keep it that way. I always value this... "sense of discovery"; but with this game, I feel this even more. But... I cannot completely be blind, so, inevitably, I encountered a few of those "internet" talks and people giving away their opinions about game being too short or something like that. I cannot lie here, it was quite a disgrace to accidently read a comment on facebook giving away the info that only 2 chapters are present, but more were possible to come out. Or, a photo on Instagram where Snake holds rather naked Quiet, somewhere down on Mother Base.

Quiet was one of the major characters in the game as from my perspective. Of course, it was a hard task to ingore her since the times when she only appeared in trailers for a brief time. That was enough for me as a man to lose my mind, however. Of course, I've been very excited to go on a mission with her as a buddy, and quite as soon as I got her fighting by my side, her bond with me was at maximum. You could imagine how hard for me was that terrible mission... "A QUIET EXIT". I almost cried.

However, I must admit most of the events I was watching, most of the missions I did, most of the activities I have done, most of it - like, 90% of it - was my genuine experience, and I am grateful for that. And still, time after time, I had this magical feeling - the one that makes you think: "Oh, I know what's coming next!" and this was happening because there were some clues within the game as well as some things I've learned from the previous games. I also watched all cutscenes from MGS4 and MGS:Peacewalker on YouTube (that is because I don't have PS3 console or PSP), and I played Ground Zeroes. Hell, I even figured about that scene in GZ where the heli goes BOOM - because right about the moment when Paz stepped out from the heli, there was another helicopter and an XOF member ready to shoot his rocket launcher. Same thing goes with the "true Big Boss" and his "phantom". There were clues right from the start of the game. Why would I have the opportunity to customize the way I look, if Big Boss already has quite a personality? That Ishmael guy - why he disappears in that crash, just like this? And more with this Ishmael guy: there was something in his eyes. I even put my - yet not complete - expectations in a screenshot. And the AI pod, asking if you are the Snake? and Eli not being your clone? Also, the most obvious thing - how come Big Boss have all these injuries if in the end of MGS4 he doesn't have even a single scar on his face? More than this, when Kojima was holding a press conference back about two years ago, he was wearing that same "facemask" that Ishmael is wearing. So... Certain things were kinda obvious, yet I never really was determined with my expectations and beliefs, up until the moment I've seen my face in that "Outer Heaven" cutscene.

About the face... I have that same feeling like the one about the tranq sniper rifle and Quiet's first appearance in Afghanistan. Something about 3 weeks prior this day, I went to that hospital mission, and there were two reasons for that. First, I wanted to complete the remaining mission task (fight off Man on Fire so he can never deal any damage to you in the chase sequence). Second, or rather the main reason I gone for it - the avatar. I wanted it to look like me. I already did it, but still this "first version" did not really hold up with my persona as back in the day brother asked me to go faster with that customization part, so we can see what's coming next. And now I had all the time I needed to make this guy look like me. Later on, I uploaded a screenshot to Instagram, and a few people really thought it was me in some kind of hospital. I never really expected that, but this only means I succeded, and Kojima's FOX Engine holds the superior photo-realistic graphics part.

THE ENDING

...With all the things said already, it's hard to know if there is anything I could add in the end. Supposedly, there is no end. I might stop writing down my thoughts on the game, but I am not stopping playing it. This game shifted everything I thought of it. First, it shook off my fear, then, it shifted my expectations, and after that, it still gives me a lot of potential discovery for the future. I really love this game, and I will be playing it ever since. This is a very great thing to me, that this game was created at all, and made it's way to my personal computer. I don't know if there is any sense thanking for it so it might be heard, but one way or another, I am very much a happy man seeing this in my 24th year of living. It's also quite a funny thing it happened this year, as 2015 is pretty much the best year of life, but that's something for another post. I am 23 now, I love the opportunity to play METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN and this makes me happy, no matter how silly and funny I might appear for common people.

I don't know if there is anything I might add /*I really didn't.*/.

P.S.: please accept my apologies for possible mistakes in this large "article".
I will do my best to fix it in the future. I am too tired of text as of now.

//P.S.[2]: 01 Feb 2016 about 4 am
//Noticed the commentaries? Here's why:
/*So I just watched the bonus videoclip called "The Phantom Episode" on utub, and it made me come back here and check back. First and foremost, certain things that have been stated here appeared much more... silly. I knew from the start, however, that I might be taking a detour, and instead of putting down something that makes sense, just dropping some childish notes. Anyway, I fixed a few mistakes and added a few commentaries now throughout the entire thing,. Hope that won't really distract (or destruct?) anything. Whatever you think, it's still a piece of my impression on this game. Peace! */

/*OK, the last thing here (I promise): if - for some reason - you still want the original thing, I have a "repost" in my Steam Group called Andrew.zhd's Selfish Group. I'll put down a link but no idea if it stands well. http://steamcommunity.com/groups/andyteckt/discussions/0/611703999983791876/#p2 */

No fresh start

I got a lot things swarming in my head like the bees but I can't pull my s@&% together to write it down and leave it. Not yet.

Anyway... That's why I'm gonna return here very soon.

%TITLE%

Sometimes I am happy.
 

Is it worth it?

Sometimes, certain things in my life start to flash, but then they fade away.
I barely could notice if it goes down, like the sun does every evening, because it's
rather too fast or I simply do not pay any attention. Sometimes, it even comes naturally,
that is why I am not sure if I should raise myself up and try to stop it,
or just give it all up and stop to care, if I did in the first place.

...and the people

Likewise, people come and people go. I built many walls around myself (that's for sure),
thus it always surprises me if someone keeps hanging with, as a friend.
If you read my previous senseless notes, you already know I appreciate that.
But in my life there is more loss of friends than gather, as I think of it.
Maybe I am too annoying for the rest of the folk out there, I am not sure.

They listen to me, and they hear me out, but sometimes they don't even bother
to tell what they think, and just start to ignore me. First, it looks totally okay,
and I just think I should let them rest a while from this spineless worm.
Soon, I am not certain: what if "that's it"? Maybe I should wave goodbye to
these, and don't touch them? Maybe I wronged them so harsh, they won't even
stand to see me? And all of this start to plague my mind, because...
...what if not? Is it just a sign that I am not competetive enough?

Look, I feel disoriented. This is why I am typing this, after all.
It's not just plain and simple as it looks like, I could've just talk to
someone for all good, but... It doesn't get me anywhere.
How much does it mean for me? Is there some kind of a reward
for doing this? To keep on "making yourself better"? To keep on with
this "win friends and influence people"? They say I should try harder.
They say "time to change" on those billboards. They say "be yourself".

And how am I supposed to do that? I do not wish to guess who I am
before I "be myself". What if it's just right for me, to stay alone?
To slowly regress, and bear all the pain and misery life's got to offer?
Is it worth it -- to fight? to stand up? to believe those infinite motivators?
Why bother? Is that what supposed to make all men happy?
Their influence, their money, their family, their saturday parties?
What for?

I don't really know anymore.

Crisis

Everyone's got rainy days, I believe. It appears, I have. For these years,
everything I see coming, is more and more regrets, as I move forward.
Am I even moving forward? You guess. It's just how people deal with
the depression, I suppose. Someone's up to get over with it, someone lets it go.
Me? I am the depression. Funny or not, it feels like it's the essence of my living.
Noone wants to have it on their schedule. The average just throw it outta window.
Who needs a guy that keeps on whining? That keeps simulating sorrow while he doesn't
even know sh!t? His family is there, his pockets are not empty, his life is alright.
What's the matter now, then?

Sinopsis?

Too many many question marks. That's what... makes my punishment.
No, I haven't seen the sorrows some people had to face alone. But it appears
to me, I might just sense enough, without experiencing it. While somebody would rather
shut the window when it's cold outside, mine seems to be opened.
In the times when it would be a great idea to stop thinking and just quit something
because it only inflicts pain (and probably some bad chemistry in your body, who knows?),
I keep on asking myself: "why?!", "what does that mean?", "how should I.." or
just as easy as it could be in the material world - "is it worth it?".

Maybe a month ago I thought: "yes, it does". But something changed, and I don't know anymore.
Things start to blur. Even my eyesight, which is a rather straight sign I should stop playing
videogames all this much.

On the top of that, I keep writing here. My rational thinking yells to me:
"JUST STOP THAT, YOU WANKER!" because noone need this kind of trash.
I cannot even express my thoughts so they could actually mean anything worthful
to these grown up boys and girls who read "Of mice and men" or something alike.
Not a great writer, I am.

So, instead of making some kind of point, to sum it up, and close the book,
I'll leave it open. What this book might be in the future, is yet a question.
Would that be a solid plot? Does it contain something to look at?
Will anyone remember it? How many people would even will to see it?

The writer leaves the next page blank, before it's not too late.



 

It's been a while.

It's been a while, now.

My parents and my brother are on their way through Russia,
a trip to visit grandmas in two different cities. This time,
I am staying at home, all alone. It kinda makes me sad,
but I am pretty much happy as well. Ambivalence, huh?

Oh, I also happen to move to another flat.

Thanks to my mom's contacts, I moved to another
living space, which is also a big event in my life,
actually. It happened right before they took off with
that trip, so I am now alone in two "homes".

The flat I am in right now isn't mine - I'm paying a rent,
but it's good at the moment, and I feel great living here.
I think so.

I had a rush of sentimentalistic and pessimistic thoughts
yesterday, and this time I shared this moment with another living
person, rather than here with my PC's keyboard.
To be honest, I'm not even in a mood to post anything,
I'm just making a brief appearance to make some notes
and then I'll move on with what I have.

I'm quite tired of talking, posting, sharing, caring, thinking
and stuff. So I'll just go back to my computer games and have
some stories to uncover in singleplayer.

Thanks for attention. I'll come back eventually.

 

Is there anything to tell ...yet

Oi.

I haven't load up anything for quite some time here on my blog.
In fact, there's nothing much in my life either.
I'm feeling good by now, having a little "vacation" because
I got a strike of free days and I'm pretty much good with that.

Post or not to post, huh?

So far the posts that I made here are kinda awful. Not to mention
I'm a kind of guy who thinks that almost everything he did in the past
is always awful. It is a very rare moment if I think of something made by myself
as of a good thing, in retrospective. I kinda hate my videos, my pictures,
and my texts. Most of the time I just pretend to think that I let it go
and don't really care. For the blog, I never abandoned it (yet). Reality is,
I never forget and I think about it, maybe even more than I should have.

However, if you look up other peoples' (ordinary people, not holly supastars
or whatevs) blogs, their blogs quite often filled with... their activites. Like,
"oh, I went to a motorcycle cup this year" or something (not being accurate).
And then there is me, who only have something noteworthy in his life
for like one time... in a thousand of millions times. That is why I always
overthink if I should get on with my keyboard and tap something in here.

...But...

In my book, I'm here to do whatever I want to. You know,
tommorow electricity might be off because of overcharges or stuff like that,
or corporation kills the blog itself, or internet will be destroyed, or I might be done.
And this is why I am here again.

I got a bunch of plans, most of them are sort of unreal, to do for the
rest of this year and maybe further. I still ain't got a solid ground under my feet
tho. Once I get more or less confident, I'll let you know.

And that's all for now.

For all the things I have in my head

...I've just had three days of full 12-hour dayshifts and I'm tired as hell.
It's not even that I overworked too much; I just need more sleep and some
relaxing, I guess. Already emptied a 0,5 litre can of beer.

Noone is going to help you, help yourself

I am silly. You know, sometimes I wonder how come I am so silly at my 23th
year of living on this damned planet. Just about last thursday, I was in tears
in my bed, like a little teenager girl. I shrinked, and twisted and turned, like
I was in some kind of movie and director pushed me to act like I am in agony.
It was pathethic. My head was filled over with all the regrets, all the misery,
all the senseless missteps and all that kind of s$%#. It looked like my brain
focused itself around the fact of my mere existence so hard, so I never ever could
stop thinking about anything but my self and how I relate to others.

I hate it. I hate it so much and I'm tired of that - to make this thinking.
I mean, you have to care how you act for yourself and how you treat others.
You may tell that sometimes it doesn't matter, and people just do whatever s%&@
they wanna do. But, hey, stop fooling yourself! In fact, it's the only thing that makes
your... self. Your understanding of yourself is ALWAYS bound to how you
relate to other people, or, quite more precisely - how other people react to you.
Starting with your parents when you was born.

...And then, after you think you've grown up enough, you start this pathethic selfish
s%$# that will go forever until you die. "Did I look clumsy?", "What this person
thinks about me, I wonder?", "Could've I just stop shouting at my brother that time?
Was it necessary?", "Would I ever have a good sleep again?", "Is that my life?",
"Why am I keep asking myself these stupid questions?!", "When will that end?!"...

And I am tired to take handle of this. Usually, people just talk out their doubts
to their friends or doctors or something. For me, I just f*$^%d it up by now,
and most of my friends probably wanna kill me for that. Sometimes I even get
a feeling that I use them in the way you use a toilet paper to wipe your s%^#.
Nasty, isn't it? So instead of trying to talk it out, I am typing it out on this stupid
screen with my stupid keyboard. I think I might need help. But I don't want to bother.
So I'll pretend I would help myself. Just like everyone else in the world, maybe
just a slightly different way.

To have and to hold

 

Isn't that easy to just let go? Let go all the things that can't allow you to sleep

in the night? Let go all of that deep&*%t from the bottom of the lake that

keeps popping up, even when you don't want to bring it on the table? Ha.

I wish it was as easy as that.

 

Problem is, it will never be effective enough. I think, even in future, if you could

have a technology to wipe half of your brain to get rid of bad memories.

You can try hypnosis (is that a right name?) or some spiritual practice or get

some church talks, I don't know.... Either way, it's always just a trick,

nothing more. You can't change, honestly. Even if your personality will

suffer some severe damage when you get a bullet in your lobe or something,

it will be still you. Just another part of your identity, that was kept in shadows

by that mind of yours. It's funny how some people think their brain works:

they think you just can forget all the s&%^ you've been into and live happily

ever after. Nope. It will never go away, it will be stored. It's just a question

of how often you'll return to it. And you certainly will, just have a prayer

it won't be as painful as in my case.

 

...So what's the deal?

 

If you read my previous posts, you probably could get a rather solid picture.

I am a... worried man. I worry about... me. It's not that I suffered some terrible

child trauma and my psyche is permanently wounded. No. Never been into a war

or some serious loss. Never lived in sewers. A fine kid of its time, I am.

And still, I have so much painful feelings from time to time, like if I was here

to take it all and live only to suffer. Probably I am bad at describing the

emotional overthrows I sometimes have. Frankly, each living and breathing

human being feels the same. Hope you won't misjudge my typos.

 

It's just... Please let me leave it here. I know it won't make me stronger,

but I just want to put these ridiculous dragons I have flying in my head to get some brief

rest to my brain, before it shuts down eternally. I still have hopes and dreams,

I am not dead yet, thanks to <whatever>. Maybe I'd be lucky enough

to find some peace and end this meaningless struggle prior to its' natural end.

 

My language most likely was rubbish here, for that I do apologize.

It could be beer. Brings some bad words to the front lines.

Wish I was a better writer.

 

 

...Pretty short post.

I watched Kung Fury tonight and also did a drawing for a wonderful person from another part of the world. I feel pretty happy as of now.

What I enjoy in my life.

Hello.

Life is hard to define. I mean, generally. It's something that depends more on
your correspondence rather than itself. It's always a matter of what we, human,
put into the term of "life". In any sense, even stricktly biological.

Life is full of misery.

What I see throughout my life, anywhere I look, is that we suffer all too often.
Some people live their life like rats, disapproved, abandoned, forgotten.
Some people lose their relatives, their children. To wars, or diseases, or accidents.
Some people live their lives in supreme comfort, yet they feel like they
would be better off dead, regardless.

Can't say I'm one of them, anyway. I'm the one who stands on the other side
and watches this sorrow obscure the living in the distance. I can't help or
do anything about this, because the amount is too much. Maybe I could've
helped someone, but it would mean nothing in the long run. Life remains
a very dark and grimy substance, as of my usual viewing.

I'm not all that depressed. I know the other thing: life is also quite a gem.
A shape with countless dimensions. You can try and turn it around to see
some better place, some safety. Some joy. But you only pretend bad things
are not happening; you do not make them disappear. This is how things are.

...And yet

As much as I do think about it, I enjoy quite a lot of stuff. I talk about my
own personal life here. I ain't a martyr. I have my own personal fears, however.
Insecurity. Self-doubt. Phobias. I have to deal with it and manage to overcome.

What I like the most, is that I have friends. With all my weaknesses, I still
managed to make some great friends. This is probably the best phenomena
in my life.

I love the age I live in. It has many flaws, but it's also great for the technologies
it brings and for the people who have use of it. It does look like it's getting
faster and faster and the planet spinning. I don't think I would've contact
my friends from other countries if we were in 80s or 90s. So it's great.

And sometimes I like the fact I live as it is. I'm probably not in the best position
for judging at the moment, but I think my life got pretty much a worthful
journey. I know many good people and I like that I can talk to them.
Thank you. Maybe I'm not all that thankful enough sometimes, but you
should know that I appreciate our friendship.

And the rest of the world... I hope it doesn't make it all waste.

Peace.

Low risks and low rewards

Hi.

I was at work when the mechanical monster arm broke down and we had to cancel
the cutting for robot maintenance. So I hopped into my phone and went to Instagram.
Long story short, I've found myself on some random girl's page (at least, it was designed as such).
It has no other posts than pictures with black and white texts, all filled with depression
and suicidal thoughts. Tried to contact her, she(?) actually did respond and maybe even
truly said "thank you" for my small comment about "not giving up". Still can't decide
to think if it was a fake or real.

...But that's not what I was going to post.

I live a life free of high risks. You know, I never been that guy who comes back home
after midnight and eventually gets in beating with some mobs on the streets.
I never did any extreme sports or anything. Never even broke a bone.
I was raised with a rather "correct" mindset of not hurting myself for no reason,
and that's what I like. However, sometimes I wish I was more... impulsive.
Otherwise I often feel like I am a coward.

I sometimes risk my life without noticing it, though. Like, when I go across a street
and don't look around for any cars approaching. Could've been taken out with a smash
quite a few times. Oh, well. Thing is, it's not only about your... umm... physical life.
I don't do anything extreme with my soul, if you could put it in words like that.
Usually I just stuck in my "comfort zone" and never try to break out to reach
something that worths the effort.

Expectations and where they lead you

As your life goes further, you learn to expect things. You learn to
take note of how it could turn out before trying to do something.
Almost like if you could predict events (don't fool yourself, you can't).
It's not a bad thing after all, but it has a major negative side-effect.
With each failure you have experienced whilst trying to accomplish something,
you learn that it's "not for you", and eventually you give up. Not all the time,
but also quite often. And there you lose it. You lose your chance.
Not because you can't do something, but because your brain expects
you would fail it.

And that is what happens to me. Everytime I want to make something
"big", I try it, I fail it, and next time I don't even try because I decided
in my imagination that I would fail again. Too bad.

This is why you stick to easy things

Something easy can't frustrate you this much if you fail it.
And it's... well, it's easy to get successful with easy things
rather than hard things. "Hard things"... seriously? I should
read more books, I'm starting to lose it.

What I was trying to say, is that most of the time I choose
an easy way of living rather than challenging, and it's not
something I wished to live like. I need to change my way
of perceiving in order to change my way of living.
So I can take higher rewards from this miserable life, even if this
requires higher risks.

Hope you understood. Cause I didn't. A long time.

 

Why is this even happening... again?

Greetings.

My name is Andrey Zhdanov, aged 23 at the moment.
Born in Saint-Petersburg city, Russia (don't really think it could be lies,
yet I don't remember the moment itself). Currently occupied,
not married, not even in dreams. Living in an old type of "communist" house
with a wide arrange of neighbours right on your doorstep,with parents and brother
(thanks I now have a sep room anyway).

Quite a sensitive info I gave by now, even without further details.
However, if someone had / would have malicious intents against me,
they'd found me easily without these text notes, so who gonna care.
And even more than that, I expect the only person who'd read this in future -
that'll be me, so it's just something to remember and nothing new.
Right, Andy?

Blog?

 

Okay now, on to the topic. Why am I doing this? Came outta nowhere.
5 minutes ago (or something) I've just put 'blog' on Google and later on
I stuck here, typing these letters with a feeling of "being a stupid or,
at least, silly person" in the background. I'm not even sure: if the language
I chose... - do I actually speak it? I do not pretend to be grammatically accurate,
but I also could mess up words. Sorry. But it must be enough to understand
what my thoughts are, therefore it will do the trick.

I'm a strange guy. Supposedly. A bit more than a month from now, back in
time, I was sitting at the same PC and I was creating this steam group.
I tried to explain this to myself as I had a need to make a bit more space
to manage my "gaming". What kind of stupid task that is? Thing is,
"gaming" is quite practically the only thing I do for last couple of years.

I always been egoistic more than enough, as I could judge it.
Of course, there were (are) other people, and I do care for them too,
trying to make myself usefull from time to time, and such. But...
The impact which I have on people around me is far smaller than
the one I have on myself. Ugh... Probably should put it in a suitable form:
I always been... reflective. Too much reflective. So here's how I ended up here.

...Funny.

Whatsoever plans.

 

I like texts. I like typing texts. Not mechanically, though.
I mean, I like to put my thoughts on paper or on screen. This way.
I can "virtually" put away something out of my head, and... Stop
thinking about it, my guess. And, with most recent course of my
life, I think I really need this. So, I'll do this. I'll do this blog.

It's zero use for people who are not me. Strange way of saying it.
No, really. Thing is, I'm a man who needs to talk from time to time.
We all do (humans huh). My case problem is that I reduced my
human surroundings to a very small count of men and women,
and I comprehend that they are fed up with my cheap talks already.
You (someone else) may read this, of course, but I cannot imagine
any scenario why would you.

The recordings will keep on being public accessibility.
I do this without some purpose, I just don't know why I shouldn't
make it public if it's an interwebs blog. Oh, well.

Kind of a conclusion, because all of this comedy

already makes me feel sad, and it should be ended

as soon as possible.

Here's the last part of this. I did it before.
Meaning typos, memos, notes. Hell, I even have
a handwritten diary. Stopped writing at age of 20.
The last recording was a single word, and this word
is something you don't want in your newspaper.
When I read those, I understand that I keep on circling
around the same things. Over and over. For years.
And I never seemed to "heal".

Something's not quite right with my personality.
Read books. Tried psychologist. Even did some exercises
to "unchain" myself. Always been a kind of failure.
Gotta start over and see where it's going now.
For my own part, regret nothing. Lived life,
free from compromise... wait, it's from another book.
I'm sorry.