$u!c!d3 Note (part 2)

What do I expect?

Nothing. I would really expect nothing-ness, though. No emotion, no thought. I don't want it anymore.

There are so many things I wanted to accomplish, but when it comes down to putting an end and you need to burn all the possible bridges, everything just fades to black. And I wish this is what I am going for. Hey, if it turns out I'll become a ghost, I most likely not going to bother anyone. Kidding.

Funny tragedy or sad comedy

I can't figure out if I need some more notes or some other sh!t for fans or haters. Does this even matter? If I get to review my short life, I probably won't make much of a story. Born, been here and there, then gone. No different from many many others. I don't feel unique now and anytime soon. What I got in my mind is a plan to leave the home early in the morning, get a railroad ticket, then walk away like 90 kilometeres and then just slice my venes.

I haven't got many things to leave behind. And I got no idea if I will be remembered. Honestly, I was trying to live my life as calm and silent as I could. I never meant no trouble and tried to stay neutral to most of things, but, I guess, I am not able furthermore. Maybe if something's will change, I'd tried to think out a better, a smarter plan. But I am going to bleed out instead. Sorry.

a few more words

I regret many things I have done (...and those yet to be done), but if I had this option to start over and live my life again by choice, I'd roll over the same path. Everything comes in place in the end, at least to some degree. There are words to describe how I feel, but they escape me. I am egoistic, I am very well aware of that. Still, I'm grateful for friendships I had and people I encountered. Too bad they can be also thunderstuck by my poor decision making. I hate to create such a disaster, but i don't see another way out.

I am kinda out of ideas

 

Well, maybe I'll write down some notes before I commit my crime, but as of now, I feel tired and empty. Need to sleep to replenish what little left of my spirit and then just "go for it". I guess I ama failure in a sense that I am setting off a very poor example. I wanted to be bold and stay strong. I wanted to carry on, but, it just makes no sense anymore. Everything lost its' value. I don't want to cut my hair or wipe my a$s. I am tired of all things, big and small. Tired from my body's limitations and my acne disease, tired to deal with my brain games, and so forth. You know how it goes. I am just out of cards to play.

 

SO... I'll just say "Goodbye" for good. Maybe next time (if there is). This one wasn't too much, I am sorry.

 

Andrey Andreevich Zhdanov

(09.04.1992 - 08.09.2017)*

_______________________

* - not set in stone, yet.

$u!c!d3 Note (part 1)

Hey there.

I'm not completely sure what I am doing here.

You know, everything I wanted to believe in, any hopes I had, the dreams I had -- all of it -- doesn't seem to matter any more. And, yes, I know what you must be thinking. So many desperate people in this world. So many fallen. So many twisted fates.

Mine wasn't a big deal, as far as I can tell. I don't believe in a "god's plan" or anything like that, now. I see passion in people who try to express the idea about someone who appears to be "almighty" and "eternally wise", but living this through tells the obvious: if there has been a god, he must be insane. But... let's leave all the trash talk to theologists and religious fanatics; one last thing I wanted to say is that IF there IS a God /*I even wrote that word a capital "G"*/, he can shove his wisdom up his a$s.

I can't say I've been thru a lot... I've already talked about it in my previous postings, so you might as well see it there.

Look at me. I am a 25 years old, thin dude with little to none respect for this miserable reality, where people kill and torture each other, and destroy or pollute everything else standing in their way. Nothing has changed. I lived long enough to see at least something that would promise a "good ending", but unless humanity changes it's DNA or something like that, there will be none. It's a dead end.

My mother was in a mental hospital. She and dad blame me for this, and sure as hell I was in charge. But does that mean I had no reason to call the ambulance? Does that mean psychiatrists lied to me? Does that mean I am a betrayer? No. Enough is enough; it's funny how this all played out. However, There's sadness in what's to come after my disappearance if I will be successful in my little endeavour.

There is a lot of things I need to point out.

First and foremost, please don't blame anyone. It's just nonsensical. If anything, blame the one who created such a world. Noone from my family should carry the weight of guilt for what I am about to perform. And of course, the one who will suffer the most is my blood brother. I am trying to be as honest as I could. He is the only human  being on this planet that really holds me. I don't want to sound cynical, I honestly don't mean to. He keeps me alive /*maybe this would sound relatable*/. I really really really don't want him to suffer. And he knows me best than anyone else. No delusions about me. He saw my anger, my despair, my calmness, my happiness. We've been through a lot together and this is why it will pain him the most when I jump off. He doesn't deserve a half of bad things that happened in his childhood. But now he becomes old enough to understand my motives and, possibly, forgive me.

My guess is I got tired from the constant search for purpose or even the most simple sense of what I am here for. I had some pretty funky ideas that many would consider a minor form of schizophrenia. And it's hard for me to understand if I really have a broken mind. Everyone lives in his own neurous system. Maybe mine is not capable to transmit all the noise so it begs me to cease the existence. I know it won't be too hard. My body is weak, just as my soul is. I am choosing the easiest solution. It won't be hard.

Not quite done yet

it's about ~21:30 around here as I am typing. I am not sure how all this going to play out, but I am very much confident that this text is not the only text I'll compose this night. To get myself d3@d is an easy deed. Though even if it's an easy deed, there's still some thought needed to be put in it. I don't think I'll reconsider, as I already did an awful lot of times. I could just open my window right now and throw myself out. It's 8th floor so I would sustain heavy injuries and most likely d!e fast enough. I am not going for it tho. At least, right now. I guess something truly magical should happen to stop me whatsoever from getting my hands on me. Like, a UFO flies right through my room and I get brainwashed by some outsource $u!c!d3 prevention staff members. And hey, I have been waiting for the World War III and it did not happen still! So unless this world collapses in a planetary thermo-nuclear war OR, let's say, a zombie virus outbreak /*I'd prefer zombie apocalypse thanks to all the media*/, I am going to put an end to my little world with my own hands.

I am most likely going to return a bit later.