$u!c!d3 Note (part 2)

What do I expect?

Nothing. I would really expect nothing-ness, though. No emotion, no thought. I don't want it anymore.

There are so many things I wanted to accomplish, but when it comes down to putting an end and you need to burn all the possible bridges, everything just fades to black. And I wish this is what I am going for. Hey, if it turns out I'll become a ghost, I most likely not going to bother anyone. Kidding.

Funny tragedy or sad comedy

I can't figure out if I need some more notes or some other sh!t for fans or haters. Does this even matter? If I get to review my short life, I probably won't make much of a story. Born, been here and there, then gone. No different from many many others. I don't feel unique now and anytime soon. What I got in my mind is a plan to leave the home early in the morning, get a railroad ticket, then walk away like 90 kilometeres and then just slice my venes.

I haven't got many things to leave behind. And I got no idea if I will be remembered. Honestly, I was trying to live my life as calm and silent as I could. I never meant no trouble and tried to stay neutral to most of things, but, I guess, I am not able furthermore. Maybe if something's will change, I'd tried to think out a better, a smarter plan. But I am going to bleed out instead. Sorry.

a few more words

I regret many things I have done (...and those yet to be done), but if I had this option to start over and live my life again by choice, I'd roll over the same path. Everything comes in place in the end, at least to some degree. There are words to describe how I feel, but they escape me. I am egoistic, I am very well aware of that. Still, I'm grateful for friendships I had and people I encountered. Too bad they can be also thunderstuck by my poor decision making. I hate to create such a disaster, but i don't see another way out.

I am kinda out of ideas

 

Well, maybe I'll write down some notes before I commit my crime, but as of now, I feel tired and empty. Need to sleep to replenish what little left of my spirit and then just "go for it". I guess I ama failure in a sense that I am setting off a very poor example. I wanted to be bold and stay strong. I wanted to carry on, but, it just makes no sense anymore. Everything lost its' value. I don't want to cut my hair or wipe my a$s. I am tired of all things, big and small. Tired from my body's limitations and my acne disease, tired to deal with my brain games, and so forth. You know how it goes. I am just out of cards to play.

 

SO... I'll just say "Goodbye" for good. Maybe next time (if there is). This one wasn't too much, I am sorry.

 

Andrey Andreevich Zhdanov

(09.04.1992 - 08.09.2017)*

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* - not set in stone, yet.