Sense

Aight, so I'm here again.
You know, people sometimes say: "Oh, something's got into me so I did this" ? I guess it's my time.
And no, I did not kill someone or beaten or anything like this. It's just what I am doing here on this
blogger thingy.

Trying to make sense?

Oh, I've been thinking. I kept on doing this for quite a while. First, I had this little notes book where
I wrote down whatever I felt needed to be put on paper. Back then, it was just me. There was nothing much to it, a regular diary that girls usually have somewhere in a secret place. Except I am not a girl, and certain things in life do not really interest or disturb me. Time goes on, of course. Later on, I had a larger book for the same thing. I almost forgot to mention that that first book I had was in my mom's hands, and it was me who gave it to her. I don't eactly remember what it was, but I was at a rather "critical" (yeah, sounds awful) time at my teen age and I needed support and some understanding from someone "outside".

In about year after or something, I registered on russian social network vkontakte or - as it's known to this moment - vk-dot-com. After a short time of having a little doubt and undergoing this insecurity feeling (I believe so), I've put some notes there, onto the web. I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be getting any attention, because it were still my thoughts that are more or less useless even to me. And about an year ago //no, it was in May - I just checked.
...I started this thing going.

I notice I always make an introductory word or something in each individual case. Like, there's always hope for me that someone actually read this? Also, bearing in mind I started from a personal notes format on to the web (starting with local social network and then open to the whole internet space), it comes to me I fail to succeed and I keep on enlarging the area of potential readers. Makes me laugh. If I had a proper financial plan, I'd be sending satelites to deep space now huh? No, I'm not in the position to ask someone to read this (oh, I actually did that before - my mom, and one of my closest friends were subjects), it's not what I am trying to say here and now. What I am trying to figure out is... What exactly I am doing? Making sense of... myself?

Subheading

Before, I already did went over my feelings about the world today and the technology we have and so on, but there are negative sides just as with everything else. One of those negative impacts on me personally is the fact that anyone in the world now possesses (that spelled right huh?) the power to freely shout out their opinion. All that social networking -- twitta, utube, gugl+ and stuff - potentially makes a wide open area of screaming worms like me. I also never really liked the whole blog idea initially back in late 2000s, when LJ popped out (that right?). Maybe I already described that. Sh~t, I start forgetting things. Don't even want to check it out. So all of this huge ammount of information and huge huge count of people - what are we doing, exactly?

I used to think that I run this thing only to make me live more comfortably as I *magically* reduce the amount of crap that pops out in my mind when I type in here (or write in text book or paint walls in my toilet - and no, I never did that, it's a joke). Thing is... It's not the case. Of course, at some very specific point of view, it helps. But overall just the fact I still do this over THIS LARGE time span
could mean only two things:
1) I have way too much stress to take and I constantly need this "write it down" thing going
2) I just desperately need attention like Ima whining girl that is not occupied and have no good realtionships and people to trust to give away what her feelings are and mom keeps distant and the whole world is dark and Billy doesn't pick up the phone and that sweater is too tight in the neck and so on, and so on, and so on.

F*ck, I'm so fed up with this sh*t. You'd be probably fed up too if you read the whole thing.
Of course, there are gents and ladies who have some blogs that are either interesting to read or have some decent advices (includes a lifehack of how to overcome depressions at autumn) or the personality is just too great no matter what the words are. But this is not me, and I know that because I have seen enough of different blogs by now and different people. Someone does it, someone does it better, but me... I am too f**king disturbed with this. Hell, maybe I just need to sleep more. Last months you would often see me playing FOB missions at night rather than actually sleeping in my bed. //those FOBs also give a lot of grey hairs, he he.

And, traditionally,

I just don't know what to do with it. GO DO SOME GYM WORK! GO READ A BOOK, YOU F***ER! GO GET A LIFE! No, no, no-no-no, and "no". I know how this mechanic works and I know I'm not getting any benefit from it. Wherever I go and whatever I do, it's just a matter of time. How long it is until I return here again? I've been kept "busy" for some days and months when I literally had no time to spend here or time to cry my sad face out in dark room with no electricity on, and stuff. But still I return here like a stupid dog without a necklace. Or with a necklace, rather.
I keep pulling some questions one after another, destined to do this for my entire life as I see it from now on. Maybe everyone is just about the same and they succeed to manage that while I fail to do so. See? Another question is just a few letters back. And I'm dying to have this going. I cannot allow myself to do anything... physical to it. And also, I actually want to live. At the very least, I want to live just to see myself coming back here and react to what was written 5, 10, 20, maybe 30 - if I am lucky enough - years ago. But I still don't know what tomorrow will be, and if it will be at all. Also, there is quite a low number of things I can decide to change for today, not even speaking of how it might turn in the future. My body is in terrible shape (seen worse, of course, but not mine), my mind is pretty much delusioned and very tired to fight itself over and over, my cuticles are grown already I need to go cut them right about now and also I had the water boiling about 15 minutes ago because I wanted some coffee before I go and try to breach one's FOB.

F*ck this life.




...
and no, not really.
 

My impressions on METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN

CAUTION! MASSIVE SPOILERS INCOMING!
DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED
THE GAME!

Alright, this one is going to be very large.

Foreword

The reason why I am typing these digital letters would be as plain as it could possibly be: I love it. I mean, I really love the game. In fact, love is not the only feeling I experience with this game. I went through hatred, through pain and sorrow, and much more. This would scare off a lot of people from me, I guess -- to worry about a game so much. Some people don't even care this much for their living, and here is me who can suffer from a loss of a staff member in an FOB mission. Anyway, I better get straight into this, as I have so many words cycling through my mind, and so many feelings to put "on paper", I am too much afraid I will lose it if I hesitate one more minute.

CHAPTER ONE: PREDICTIONS

I pre-ordered The Phantom Pain as quickly as I could. According to my transactions history, that was on August, 15th. The reasons... It would've been my worst mistake to miss it. Ever since 2008 (if I recall it right -- it's hard to remember the exact time), I've been always dreaming of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, but it never made it's way to PC, and I guess it was a dead end for a long time. So, getting a Metal Gear franchise game for my computer was my "idea fix", but I started to lose faith about the moment when MGO servers were shut down. So far, I only played the "Integral" edition of MGS1 for Windows, and a very poor port of MGS2. I loved them both, and they shifted my expectations and changed my impression on the franchise itself back in the day, as well as on japanese media in general.

This way, when METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE was ported to PC, it was like a gift from the Universe. Not only it was a nearly perfect port /*There are still debates, but it doesn't effect my opinion stated here.*/, with a very high level of tech optimization (for a console port), it was also released on Steam, and so it had achievements, as well as all the DLCs released on consoles already in the game. It was like a true case of "a dream that came true". But enough of that. I described pretty much everything of this in my review on TPP, which is available on my Steam profile.

...So with GROUND ZEROES completed weeks ago, and a great hope in my heart, I waited for the release. The game came out on September 1st. I remember I had a shift on that day, so I actually put a lot of effort to keep up to the evening of this day and staying on feet for the entire night. Frankly, I was far too much excited, so I never really needed any coffee, but I drank a lot of cups, regardless. The moment I pushed the SPACE button after the game was installed, I knew it will be the best day of the year. My brother was with me because he was excited too, and he did not have to go to school because he was feeling a little sick earlier, and doctor gave permission to stay at home for a week, undergoing some health care with pills and stuff like that. He was full alright at the moment we sat down to watch the game, however.

The "awakening"... It was a BLAST. I never experienced anything alike in YEARS. It was so intense, and mystical, and violent, and beatiful, all at the same time. I guess it really took a genius to make such an introduction. The cutscene where Venom Snake and Ocelot are making their way to Afghanistan was so good, I had my heartbeat rate increased. Although it was quite a replic of those Indiana Jones intersections, it felt completely right. And then there was that next cutscene.

CHAPTER TWO: "NOW GO, LET THE LEGEND COME BACK TO LIFE!"

...And this was that moment when I realized: "I am actually PLAYING this section they showed us on E3 an YEAR AGO!" How awesome is that?! It was hard to believe that the game ran so smooth just at the moment I entered this brand new "open world" environment. In my review for TPP, I briefly go over the fact I was actually disappointed about Metal Gear Solid going open-world. All of my worst fears wore off just at the moment I steered on D-Horse. First thing I did, was to go for a passage on the right, soon after the mountain. I did not want to follow the direction they showed on last year's E3, I wanted to arrange my own path and my own story. Pretty soon, I was capturing a small outpost. I did it the "right way", with not a single guard see me. I was actually surprised how happy I was with my first stealth "operation" to capture this little roadblock, as I immediately recieved an achievement for this. I played the whole night, almost without a break. And it felt right. My brother needed to sleep though, but he and I managed a deal that if I reach another point where a major cutscene will start, I will wake him up. How crazy is that? Well, this is Metal Gear Solid.

From the start, I knew I don't want to go everywhere guns blazing. I had a feeling I needed to keep as low casualty count as possible. I knew from the MGS2 that non-lethal approach is most likely your best way in the series. At the time, I only had a tranqualizer pistol. Essentialy, I had pretty much the same loadout I had in Ground Zeroes operation. By the moment my R&D unit started to develop fresh stuff, I already wanted a tranq sniper rifle pretty bad. For some reason, I knew I gonna need it. Frankly, a tranq sniper rifle would sound good if you think of a non-lethal approach. It will allow you to pick up distant targets, keeping them alive all the while. In MGS2, a modified mosin-nagant rifle did the trick. Here, as all the weapons are non-licensed (sad fact, which I had to accept and move forward), there was that "Renov" rifle. From the development tree, it was clear I am not going to get a silencer for this thing right away. That meant, I could've still use it, but if the enemy would be close, they will probably go on combat alert quickly as soon as they hear shot fired.

Now, why even I am going with that "tranq sniper rifle" thing? The answer is here. I got this rifle right about the moment where you receive this (I think first ever) "yellow-colored" SIDE OP. I am speaking about "CLOAKED IN SILENCE" mission. Yes, the first appearance of Quiet. Coincedence or not, the gap between me finishing development of that rifle, and the sniper duel versus Quiet, was close to none. It was like I knew the moment and the exact tool I wish to have on my hands. I never was a fan of sniping at all, more than this: I hated the duel versus Sniper Wolf in MGS1, so I had a feeling that this 1-on-1 standout with Quiet could be a nightmare. I remember, I received about 4 hits from her, but I managed to survive. I learned to wait, and careflly check my surroundings, so as a reward, I did enough hits to put the girl on sleep. Next up, I did not shoot her, as Miller wanted me to, of course, because who on Earth would do that?! So this was just a little example of how much impact this game had on me and my feelings, as after the mission I had that sense of proudness for me having done the right choice developing this rifle at the proper moment.

Now, I also want to tell I was not watching any videos on YouTube or anything like that regarding the game. By the moment I had 5% total progression, I already knew some basic things from previous games, as well as videos that KONAMI posted on their channel. I did not want to know more. I wanted all doors closed, waiting for me to approach them and be opened. Truth to be told, I also read a small post from PC Gamer called "Tips & Tricks" or something like that. There weren't any spoilers, except maybe for that medical platform room where Paz was kept. Probably I could've find it myself after a while, because I easily found myself hugging any door on Mother Base to see if it opens or not. All and all, there were small tips like how to use a cardoard box to quickly slide down from a mountain, or how to put a guard down when you are in a reflex mode. Nothing much, that is.

By the way, since the Ground Zeroes, I decided to turn reflex mode off. First of all, there was never such a thing in MGS1 or MGS2 or even MGR /*Zandatsu?*/. Secondly, with reflex mode off, I gain a sweet bonus in the end of each mission. And chicken hat? What, do I look like a chicken?! Furthermore, I tried as hard as I could to keep my missions with zero dead bodies and without triggering any alarms. This is quite a challenge. I know myself, however. Definately, I am not a hardcore try-hard gamer. I push myself to do certain thing until I achieve my goal, but if I know it will take more passion that was appreciated, I abandon my target for the time being. Like, that first mission in Africa region. I wanted to complete it without alarms and from a single attempt. But... Truth is, I was not prepared. I made quite a mistake when I extracted a soldier near that tank, and the other guard was too close, so he saw the balloon. Of course, he came to check the place, and he spotted me when I tried to take him down. From there, things turned ugly. I only managed to complete my mission from like 6th attempt (had to restart from checkpoint that is right after you turn off the refinery switch), so I was pretty unhappy with that, even though I got that Walker Gear from one of the guards.

Anyhow, most of my missions went rather smooth and as close to my goals as I could afford it to happen. I always wanted to honor my enemies and think of them as of human beings rather than walking meatbags. This allowed me to reduce victims of this war, picking out high-value targets with the fulton device and only killing the assassination target (wherever it's a mision or a side op). The real bloodshed started when I went to FOB missions at the end of october, as I killed far more soldiers than anticipated with these "FOB events" PFs.

CHAPTHER THREE: BITTER BUT BETTER

By the time I started to write it all down, I had nearly 300 hours on record in TPP. This game is the rare gem, that kept me thinking about it wherever I go, whatever I do. I completed all missions today and got an achievement for that too. I can say, I feel completely satisfied with the game, and I know I won't drop it here /*Hell yeah, I didn't!!!*/. I still have a hell of a lot things to do, and FOB missions will keep me busy furthermore.

I know, some people (including some of my friends) "finished" the game under 60 hours or something like that. Some of the folks only aimed for the story missions ("yellow-colored"), while I knew from the beginning: I wouldn't be the one to rush things up. I wanted to feel and enjoy every moment I could, up until that point that the majority will call "the end". For me, there was no ending in this game as I played it for a while, seeing all the possible activites around. I knew I will be still playing it, no matter if I reach that "last mission" or not. Of course, I was curious for where the story is going, and how the events may change it's tide.

I kept myself away from spoiling it, any way I could. There were videos in my YouTube feed called like "A TRUE ENDING" or "ALL ENDINGS" etc., there were also different topics in Steam news feed, but I kept my eyes closed and never checked this kind of stuff. More than this, I will never will /*You sure?*/. There is still a huge amount of things undiscovered for me in the game, and I want to keep it that way. I always value this... "sense of discovery"; but with this game, I feel this even more. But... I cannot completely be blind, so, inevitably, I encountered a few of those "internet" talks and people giving away their opinions about game being too short or something like that. I cannot lie here, it was quite a disgrace to accidently read a comment on facebook giving away the info that only 2 chapters are present, but more were possible to come out. Or, a photo on Instagram where Snake holds rather naked Quiet, somewhere down on Mother Base.

Quiet was one of the major characters in the game as from my perspective. Of course, it was a hard task to ingore her since the times when she only appeared in trailers for a brief time. That was enough for me as a man to lose my mind, however. Of course, I've been very excited to go on a mission with her as a buddy, and quite as soon as I got her fighting by my side, her bond with me was at maximum. You could imagine how hard for me was that terrible mission... "A QUIET EXIT". I almost cried.

However, I must admit most of the events I was watching, most of the missions I did, most of the activities I have done, most of it - like, 90% of it - was my genuine experience, and I am grateful for that. And still, time after time, I had this magical feeling - the one that makes you think: "Oh, I know what's coming next!" and this was happening because there were some clues within the game as well as some things I've learned from the previous games. I also watched all cutscenes from MGS4 and MGS:Peacewalker on YouTube (that is because I don't have PS3 console or PSP), and I played Ground Zeroes. Hell, I even figured about that scene in GZ where the heli goes BOOM - because right about the moment when Paz stepped out from the heli, there was another helicopter and an XOF member ready to shoot his rocket launcher. Same thing goes with the "true Big Boss" and his "phantom". There were clues right from the start of the game. Why would I have the opportunity to customize the way I look, if Big Boss already has quite a personality? That Ishmael guy - why he disappears in that crash, just like this? And more with this Ishmael guy: there was something in his eyes. I even put my - yet not complete - expectations in a screenshot. And the AI pod, asking if you are the Snake? and Eli not being your clone? Also, the most obvious thing - how come Big Boss have all these injuries if in the end of MGS4 he doesn't have even a single scar on his face? More than this, when Kojima was holding a press conference back about two years ago, he was wearing that same "facemask" that Ishmael is wearing. So... Certain things were kinda obvious, yet I never really was determined with my expectations and beliefs, up until the moment I've seen my face in that "Outer Heaven" cutscene.

About the face... I have that same feeling like the one about the tranq sniper rifle and Quiet's first appearance in Afghanistan. Something about 3 weeks prior this day, I went to that hospital mission, and there were two reasons for that. First, I wanted to complete the remaining mission task (fight off Man on Fire so he can never deal any damage to you in the chase sequence). Second, or rather the main reason I gone for it - the avatar. I wanted it to look like me. I already did it, but still this "first version" did not really hold up with my persona as back in the day brother asked me to go faster with that customization part, so we can see what's coming next. And now I had all the time I needed to make this guy look like me. Later on, I uploaded a screenshot to Instagram, and a few people really thought it was me in some kind of hospital. I never really expected that, but this only means I succeded, and Kojima's FOX Engine holds the superior photo-realistic graphics part.

THE ENDING

...With all the things said already, it's hard to know if there is anything I could add in the end. Supposedly, there is no end. I might stop writing down my thoughts on the game, but I am not stopping playing it. This game shifted everything I thought of it. First, it shook off my fear, then, it shifted my expectations, and after that, it still gives me a lot of potential discovery for the future. I really love this game, and I will be playing it ever since. This is a very great thing to me, that this game was created at all, and made it's way to my personal computer. I don't know if there is any sense thanking for it so it might be heard, but one way or another, I am very much a happy man seeing this in my 24th year of living. It's also quite a funny thing it happened this year, as 2015 is pretty much the best year of life, but that's something for another post. I am 23 now, I love the opportunity to play METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN and this makes me happy, no matter how silly and funny I might appear for common people.

I don't know if there is anything I might add /*I really didn't.*/.

P.S.: please accept my apologies for possible mistakes in this large "article".
I will do my best to fix it in the future. I am too tired of text as of now.

//P.S.[2]: 01 Feb 2016 about 4 am
//Noticed the commentaries? Here's why:
/*So I just watched the bonus videoclip called "The Phantom Episode" on utub, and it made me come back here and check back. First and foremost, certain things that have been stated here appeared much more... silly. I knew from the start, however, that I might be taking a detour, and instead of putting down something that makes sense, just dropping some childish notes. Anyway, I fixed a few mistakes and added a few commentaries now throughout the entire thing,. Hope that won't really distract (or destruct?) anything. Whatever you think, it's still a piece of my impression on this game. Peace! */

/*OK, the last thing here (I promise): if - for some reason - you still want the original thing, I have a "repost" in my Steam Group called Andrew.zhd's Selfish Group. I'll put down a link but no idea if it stands well. http://steamcommunity.com/groups/andyteckt/discussions/0/611703999983791876/#p2 */