Coffee

...Sorry, it's not going to be about coffee. Just didn't know what title to pick.

I was checking out some stuff...

Read a couple of pages on Weekeepudia about different kinds of psychotic disorders, because, knowing myself, I'd sooner or later begin to worry if I'm sane. To be honest, I wanted to put another "coincedence" story on here, but later on it felt so tiny and irrelevent that it didn't even worth my attention /*I'm a boss!*/. Instead, I started to think why the hell it even bothers me at all. You see, there are other people who just... live. Like, they go to their work, come back to their homes, sleep with their spouses, go hangout somewhere on a weekend, etc. I robbed myself of it. Wanna know why? I don't think I am eligible.

More than so, I do not think it's the whole idea of living here. What was I born for? My parents had some fuzzy dificulties in their relationship, but anyway my birth was more or less NOT a coincedence. It's cynical from me to talk it this way, but who gonna care /*except me*/. Do I live here only to pay my bills and sleep with my wife? Occassionaly go to a theatre or something? Watch new Ovengers movie? There's got to be something else to it.

Most of those who I knew personally, male or female, have about the same idea of what is "good life". Pretty conventional. Most of humans do believe in same basic values, in fact. Now, of course it's not all so simple, but anyway - we eat, we breed, we die. And this is how it goes. What does it stand for? And why, gosh, why I can't just skip thinking about it and fall the same flow with others?!

I wish I was good at writing

It's believed that you should keep your dreams to yourself because if you have spoken of it, it might be never achieved as a result. Or something like this, with a few adjustments. Anyway. I always dreamed for something. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a scientist, or inventor (many wanted to bcoz of that movie "Honey, I shrunk the kids"). I wanted to be a badass hero kind of guy, because of Xmen and Murtal Kombat. Growing up a little, I wanted to stick with flash animation and make a career in game development (nothing unusual for our age). Later, I wanted to be a psychologist. Or, at least, I told myself I did. And now, all the while I could still apply to any of those jobs (ha ha ha), I dream to be a writer.

I kind of guessed where all that comes from, but still it's not really promising. Especially when I am so self-aware that I know I will keep on doubting and eventually hit a dead end, just like with everything else. And where all that doubt comes from? From the same source that caused the first part of this post. I don't necessarily believe in what others believe, I do not share the same vision of "success" and this causes to think there's something deeply wrong with me. And from there, I doubt everything else. I even comprehend how to overcome that feeling but still it won't help to stand down and focus on basic material values, instead of keep on trying to grasp something you can't see or touch.

One other thing

What also strikes me down, is that all my seizuring and coughing in here wouldn't have any value either. Essentialy. Though I wish I could come back here one day and see this and just laugh, in fact it's just the same story told in a bit different words. Every time, even now. For that, I sometimes wish I could erase my own memory, like I erase my private messages or e-mails or whatever. But I cannot. I can pretend I forgot, but it will always prevail. So, unless third world war starts soon and I would have to go and die for my country, I should really come up with something, or else I will totally lose my mind and no blog or therapist will save me. People will treat me like a madman, fill my mouth with pills and brainwash me till I finally become nothing but a ghost. Scary sh!t.

Bye.

...a little bit more odd

What about

 

So it's Monday, 19:45 as I start to write here, and I still got no call from my potential employers. In my mind, that concludes that I fkd up somewhere, so they won't see me as a good option, and just pick someone else. At this point, I'm not that much surprised, as I'm pretty much used to be a food for "bigger fish" in some metaphorical sense. As the time goes by, I am more and more concerned about some weird life direction choices I've made (if I ever did) and where it leads me, even in strict practical view, not just that poetry stuff.

 

...As I find myself deeply involved in my sad "reflectionism" just once again, it's no big deal I end up reading, or watching, or tuning to someone else's blog/podcast. Now, with the previous post I had published just about few days ago, the blog I decided to check is, of course, the hidden experience by Mike Clelland. Now, it's already been kind of weird to begin with, because... *here I'm stuck, due to I don't really know how to describe what's going on so that it would be comprehensible* Let's put it like this (I'm kind of stealing the approach, but that's basically one of the things everyone has to pass through while trying to write something, generally):

• Despite all the "pre-existing" mythology and controversity around owls in general, it was something new to me to see "owls", "UFO" and "syncronicity" in one same topic. That's why I was attracted there in the 1st place.
• Even if I would have to exclude as much subjective background as I could, I'm still stuck with some sort of feeling that the stuff I've just stumbled upon has something to do with my life. Even though I'm ACTUALLY living in another part of the world, was born into speaking another language, and basically not much into making any kind of research.
• Now, if I, on the other hand, turn on all of kinds of syncronicty events (big and small) into these last couple of days, there's just wa-a-a-a-y too much to ignore. It starts off with David Bowie, follows up with blogs and trying to make sense of something not that much easily described with words. But more on that later.

 

I'd like to, again, try to look objective and sh~t, but it's a damn hard job to pull through, to be honest. First of all, whilst speaking of all the kinds of esoterical, mystical themes, you often feel a bit embarassed in a way, because at some angle it would make no sense at all. Hell, I sometimes wonder if I could end up in some sort of mental institution one day, just by the fact I'm into this stuff, time after time. You could blame my unoccupied state, and for that I would agree with you. Indeed, if I was working my S off 12 hours a day, I would have close to none time to sit around PC, blogging. But at the same time, I know I can't alter myself with this need to embrace the "spooky stuff" and basically just reflect on how things are going down with my concept of "me". But that just feels like I now have said too much, but haven't said enough.

 

So... what was it?

 

I was reading that blog. And yeah, I did stumble upon quite a LOT of interesting things, and I can easily relate to them. And, by the matter of fact, I can't just sit there in my room and keep myself shut, because there's an urge to share what I think and feel, here. I'd like to begin with some things that are popping out right away in my field of view, for starters. I'll try to divide my "inspections", so the whole thing won't end up as messy as I know it would get without any editing. And without further ado, let me dive into this.

 

OK, first. Back to Friday, soon after I first encountered that video on utub and, basically, re-discovered that weird feeling of finding "meaningful coincedences", I was also watching some other, umm, "unrelated" stuff. That were, mostly, top-10 listings, various in nature, by utub channel WutchModjo.com /*why do I need to alter the names of known media hosts or interweb shows? no idea*/. What's interesting here, is that while most of these had fairly different subject matter, they often featured same content.

 

Example is when I was watching, let's say, "top-10 movies to watch high" /*why the f*** I need to watch this, anyway?*/ and later on I would watch "top-10 something else I forgot what sorry movies" there gonna be a movie from certain director, and, basically, the same footage used. Here I must make a quick detour, and say: YES, there are things implemented into utub such as "related videos", or playlists, and so on, but eventually it's my hand and my head that decide what buttons will be pushed (or at least it's what I have got to believe). So, long story short, I've encountered on multiple occasions: films by Kubrick (no surprise here, I guess); films about altered states of consciousness (f*** that sh~t, almost dropped my jaw); "Labyrinth" movie with David Bowie having one of the central roles; and, also, some "weird movies", which is a complete mindf**k, although certain movies I watched myself and knew from the start fairly well (e.g. "Eraserhead" by D. Lynch).

 

With all that being said, let's return back to me reading the given blog. What do you think crossed my mind, as soon as I stumbled upon topics such as "David Bowie, owls and Labyrinth" and a whole post reffering to "2001: a space oddysey" and also "Planet of the Apes"?

 

 

 

 

...I also was a bit plagued by David Cronenberg's works while sitting idle and watching utub. I'm actually pretty much glad I haven't encountered ANYTHING related to this... yet. Ha. In fact, the film that popped up the most frequent (after "The Fly") was "The Naked Lunch", which is based upon a book by William S. Burroughs who I knew before from another book by RAW. Ugh... Not exactly sure why I had to write this down, but I'm assuming it got something to do wih that nasty typewriter "machine" from the movie... Oh, and also I suddenly revealed for myself a connection between this and official videoclip for Centipede track by Knife Party. Ha.

 

TOO MUCH TEXT!!!

 

I just briefly overlooked what I've put down on this page so far. Oh sh~t, never thought I'd be this much "talkative". I mean, I'm kinda used to write a lot of letters and stuff, but I rarely have this much excitement for it. Before I lose it completely and start putting things entirely messed up, so noone (even myself, in the future) would possibly see any kind of relation, I'll have to quickly make some sort of summary here. Why and when and how all of this started. And I'm talking just about recent events here, not mentioning my "23 obsession" or anything like this.

 

So, it kickstarted with the year 2015, for some reason, and, more precisely, with the release of MGSV:TPP. From there, I almost immediately tuned into some Bowie music, because the prologue sequence soundtrack is actually a cover of one of the Bowie's songs by Midge Ure. At that point of time, I knew little of David Bowie. I only knew his name was already legendary; personally, only knew his song "I'm deranged" from, again, an intro sequence in "Lost Highway". Also, the song "I'm afraid of americans", and maybe that concludes it, because - funny or not - I never did quite knew how Space Oddity sounds. Yeah.

 

Then, after me digging stuff on webs, trying to fill my empty knowledge base space with some Bowie music, I see a suggested video on utub called "Blackstar" and, of course, I dive right into. Shortly after - news of Bowie's passing. Now, that made me be quite shocked, because, from my perspective, this was completely out of nowhere and it haunted me, because in some sort of weird way I felt guilty (why the f***, noone knows).

 

I was also fired from my job about the same time period, because "the company's policy changed and we had to decrease staff numbers" or somesh~t. I entered this fkn "unemployed" state while I actually had quite a lot of plans and all just breaks apart as I will now have to find a new job, get used to it, get familiar with my financial situation again, etc etc etc. And instead of quickly pulling sh~t together, I just sat down and played a f**kload of videogames and watched a lot of utub vids. From there, eventually, saw that Bowie was inspiration behind many of Hideo Kojima's decisions in MGS franchise. That was still quite a surprise, all the while I COULD have knew it already, except for I DID NOT.

 

And not that long ago, I sent an e-mail and had a call back shortly following about that job offer, I went there, had some routine, not really feeling convincing enough, maybe, and got home in the evening. What I did next? Another load of random utub serfing that ends with what it ends, I got previous post all about it. My mind tickled with some weird connections I never could've figured. Apart from famous Twin Peaks imagery, I never thought anything special about owls. Even no Harry Potter stuff, because it wasn't something interesting for me all these years. And now I see someone doing a research on such weird stuff as ET contacts and it's close relation to owl sightings. Interesting... And the very few days later, I see "David Bowie, owls and Labyrinth" as some kind of conclusion and a good reason to stop, and try to think: what it all means?

 

Pause

 

Well. If I understand anything from my 23 years (from which I can't remember my whole time but some general "plot twists") now on this planet, then it's that the "reality" heavily depends on the observer. Some events will be rather unnoticable for one person while gigantic for someone else. This is why it pains me so much, because that would eventually lead you to understanding that nothing is "true". Whatever way of thinking I chose, I can theoretically explain same things with some other way of thinking. I've talked about this issue way too many times and I start to be bored with it, in fact.

 

There are times, however, when all of this "controversity" magically dismisses itself, leaving me with a rather unnatural feeling which I can't precisely describe, but everything feels like it was orchestrated NOT BY MYSELF. Me, learning english language /*there's plenty to work on, though*/, going to one of the largest universities of my city for the - none other - psychology faculty, listening to Assemblage 23, playing Metal Gear Solid, speaking with people from other parts of the world thanks to globalization and interweb, having a blog, having a twitta account, etc... Without all of that (and many other things I'm pushing myself to skip now, because the post is way too large already), none of the events I stated above in this post would make any sense or any value to notice. But being the person I am now, for the bad or for the good, it just shines so much I can't get my eyes off.

 

Until next time!



Omens?

Hey there.

So right from the start, what I am going to tell here might be considered a bizzare horsesh!t by generic majority. However, it just had such an impact on my usual daily routine, I can no longer keep it to myself.

Long story short.

Yesterday (Thursday, 11th) I was moving to a place to try and pick a job in a rather large company, so I had sort of interviews with diffrent people in charge, so they could consider me as an employee. As it used to be, I was said to wait up until the very next day or, rather, Monday, to see what the answer will be. I have high hopes for it, all the while I easily comprehend I might be not the best guy around, but as far as I could see, there's nothing I couldn't handle there.

That is... Nothing much, honestly. Unemployed people go to auditions, they get either rejected or start to work - that's a normal thing, right? Yes. So here it is not what is going to be discussed furthermore, it was just a warmup. What I was about to put down here is way less... normal. In a way.

When I got home from that audition event on Thursday, I had a plenty of time to set things up for tommorow, as I might have had to wake up early and wait a call for the rest of the day. Chances also were, I'm not getting any call that very next thay, though. In fact, it's about 5 pm and it's Friday as I am typing these, and I still had no phonecall, but - huh - whatever. Anyhow, I should've had a sleep. But I didn't /*I did, but a real quick one*/.

So... what happened?

I slept for about as little as 3 hours total, and it was in the early morning. I spent the most of the night watching all sorts of goofy stuff on utub. Well, not all sorts. What I've gone for were either "that country's got talent" shows, or wutchmowjo top-10-something, or some rather creepy top-5s (like "top-5 creepiest blah-blah"). That parade went for a long time. I also was watching related videos, occasional ytp-s, videoclips and stuff alike. Moment when things really started to creep me out, was in about 4 am, I think, as I just randomly (as far as I can go over with it, I guess) typed in a search bar something that contained the word "synchronicity".

Now, I already been circling around that theme for about 5 years or something, because (it's not a commonly known fact of my biography, maybe) I was studying psychology in a university after my school graduation. It went for as little as one year, as I totally failed to pass trials set for maths and russian language /*isn't that just funny?*/ courses, but the thing about that word never left my mind alone.

For some point, I knew I'll eventually come back to this. Only... I never realised how far the rabbit hole went there. Just again, as a reminder: most of my talk here could be a random mess and make no commonly appreciated sense. I also beg an apology for various kinds of mistakes I've already made in this text, as well the ones that will come along further. But with little to none more chinese introductions, let me just drop it down bellow.

Brain

I started with pretty much a generic video, about where the word "synchronicity" originated from, and a basic commonly-known description as of Carl Jung's vision of it. Nothing really new there, some of the things I've already read back in my student year, so I decided to move along. Then I got to a channel of some afroamerican(?) /*I was about to say "black", but it is now considered offensive, and I do not want it to be offensive in any way*/ guy who makes all kinds of spiritual and mysticism-related vids and kind of tutorials, right? And the reason I was brought there, was the video called "Synchronicity: Sacred Geometry, Consciousness, & Ancient Wisdom" /*yeah, I just copied the title w/o giving any credit to the owner, please do not take it as a violent act*/ and, more specifically, becuase it has numbers on it's thumb image, so I went curious, if it has to do anything with the number 23, occasionaly. It didn't. No, I mean, of course it did - because there was a whole theme of numerology to it - but no 23 exact number, ever circulating there. Except 23 is a 24-digits variation of "11 o'clock". If that makes any sense.

One thing to add here, is that the guy went pretty much around everything I could possibly think of, whilst still expanding my vision of the subject matter (if I'm even elegible to say this). Next up it finished with numbers and universal meanings, it just went straight to brain functionality, vibes, arechetypes, and, yeah, it makes a pretty decent, but a long list. Special spot is one infamous number 666, and it's just something I heard for the 1st time from another person about that thing that actually makes perfect sense to me. It also had to do a lot with my avatar. But we'll skip this now.

Moving on, I've found myself stumble upon something a little... OFF. I mean, it was a video titled "Owls, Synchronicity and the UFO Abductee by Mike Clelland" /*now, this man gets credit, I suppose; please don't take anything personally here - it's just a thing about me copying titles of utub vids from my view history log*/. I never did expect these kinds of... relations? Just look at it - owls, UFOs... Um. But that's only on a first glimpse, of course, and we will come back to this eventually, as this is the craziest thing happened within last 24 hours, haha. Mark it that I DID NOT watch it just there, and I wanted to watch another episode of MGS3 let's play instead, but I realised my head was overwhelmed a bit, so I started to circle around in my room about 6 am in the morning, having a hard time trying to figure out where I was even going with all of this, and why I wouldn't just sleep.

Then I fell asleep and woke up to watch some TV.

About 9 am - or something like this - I woke up, had a shower, and meal, and nothing unusual so far. But then, once I started to switch TV channels (because I was in another part of the house and couldn't reach my PC) I tuned in some good old television instead... Where was I? Ah yes, the TV. So, I was watching some shows, but after a while, mom showed up, and we started talking. We had a decent chat, actually, that lasted for about 4 hours, with brief coffee breaks and me skipping TV channels. What's interesting is that two of those TV shows I stumbled upon (while mashing "CH+" button) were about psychology - and, more specifically - about psychological warfare, hypnosis, and something about making you believe in <something> without you ever noticing /*a bit different from hypnosis and psychological warfare, indeed*/. Both shows featured a man from Russia, a scientist by the surname Bekhterev, who studied the brain and it's capacities, as well as it's connection in between with reality we are facing. Of course, that wasn't some new name for me, but still it was at least refreshing to hear these things.

Unfortunately, I did not quite catch-up with either of those two shows. They were going one after another on separate channels, but the thing about it's was "there", just like "for me", couldn't be ignored. By some sort of coincedence, I have stumbled upon these on TV, while I was searching myself videos about meaningful coincedences just about 3-4 hours prior. And, I couldn't help but discuss that with mother, so we had more of talking to each other rather than watching TV, which is a good thing, as I see it.

...and after that, I returned to my room to watch that video.

So I just sat down and started it. It featured a man, a researcher, who was talking about his own experience with pretty much the subject matter - synchronicity. All the while, it went much deeper, so it gave me a shiver. In fact, I watched the most of this video like literally on the edge of my seat. And the reason for that would be... I suddenly understood what was it all about, and that I had pretty much an event myself of the very close nature in my own experience.

As I watched the video, I had to go to my instugram account and check back to one little photograph I uploaded myself earlier on. Instugram doesn't feature "normal" date format, so instead it said that I uploaded it "34 weeks ago". No big deal, I thought. It didn't really have to do anything with numbers there, as the photo itself was made on November, 2014. The image I uploaded featured two factual photos combined to a small collage, showing an owl (or rather, "owling", due to it was actually quite small) that was sitting on asphalt in the inner like zone of where my work was situated. I mean, my previous work, at a factory.

Returning back to that day in my memory, I remember that me and bunch of other dudes were just moving along the building to reach the entrance, get to our lockers, suit up, and basically get to work. After moving around a corner, things were out of regular, though, because we saw... well, an owl. It was just sitting there, on asphalt, slowly moving it's head around, watching us, and stuff around itself. As I approached it, I pulled out my iPhoun carefully and checked so I can photo it without screwing things up like with random flash or the 'click' sound of taking a photo. I approached the creature, still standing far enough, so I hoped it won't consider me as a source of danger. While I was "aiming" at it, I was thinking to myself: "Hey there! Can I just quickly make a photo, mr. Owl?" it wasn't that much I was expecting for, but the reaction it pulled was like saying it to my face: "Yeah, yeah... do what you have to do, and get off my face!". It was just looking away from me, like I was just so mere and puny, I'm not even considered standing there at all.

WOAH! That makes a mile of text. However, you have to understand my excitement. Even that day, it was still a VERY rare and uncommon thing to have a freaking owl just sit on the ground in front of you. Guys were even joking: "-Hey, what could possibly be more weirder than seeing an owl on your way to work?", other guy replied with this: "- Well, I don't know. Maybe if you be seeing an eagle on your way to work?". But other than that, I wasn't really going anywhere with it, except for that really "expanded" caption I gave to it, and the hashtags.

The caption

It's all been already there, and I was totally freaked out. Because, I wasn't pretty much well-aware of what I pulled there, until I saw that video tonight. Initially, I came up with this "owls are not what they seem" from the "Twin Peaks", of course, because it was that one TV series that kept me spooked for, like, a lifetime. So that's why I added it. It was such a bizzare event to see this creature there, in a pretty much urbanised, unnatural setup, that it didn't even really came to mind we were actually quite close to the woods. But it still has too much like facilities or fairly often-visited areas, and even military stuff in this region, so it was completely out of the ordinary for that bird. Or was it a bird, then?...

But that's only there it came up so bright right now, because of the things revealed in this video I've watched, making an INSANELY explosive synchronicity event, I don't really think I had experienced something like this ever before. And, you know, some people some people call it insane, yeah they call it insane. While you, or someone you know, or someone you don't actually know, tries to pull up and tie different types of things together, from someone else's eyesight it would often look like cheating the game, right? For example, I always used to make fun of people trying to "solve" egyptian Pyramids with numbers and values and stuff, because, at some point, it never made any sense to me. SO, I completely understand some will NEVER comprehend what was that man talking about. But the thing is: I did.

And just as the man himself says in the video, it was like a pretty much personal experience, that essentially only the person him/herself would make sense to it, as it might be a distorted view, or, rather, too much of a plain view, from some distant observer. This is why all this kind of stuff makes up so much excitement that I keep typing and typing and typing, not becuase I'm crushed and defeated, and I have noone to talk to, but because I have seen so much, so important, have so much to say - but it's only me who can understand it.

Instead of conclusion

I was hoping to make at least at some point a valid overview of what I've felt, because to pretty much summarise it, it would be like you, interweb-heads, say... a "mind blown". I don't really like this "term" as I see little of value in it, personally. For me, it's more of like "mind refreshed". Like if you are out in the mountains, and it's getting harder and harder to breath, but, all of a sudden, you make a good full lungs of fresh air, and your blood just flashing through your body. Something like this. I cannot come up with a better thing, sorry for that. I'm also missing that phonecall, but maybe I just have to wait until Monday, and do not worry all this much, even if they kick me out like rubbish. I would like to put my worries away for a little, and maybe feel some peace for at least this weekend, hopefully.

Thanks to whoever read this.
/*P.S.: tried to fix some mistakes. Hope it's now readable.*/

ef-kay-dee u-pee

It's February now.

I've been in this sort of "coma" for almost the whole winter now. Sh!t, it's been some sort the same thing before. I've been unemployed for like an year /*ffs!*/ while both parents were working and my brother was younger, so I had to babysit him. This way, it's no big surprise I can't pull myself together and get something going. I still have an option to try and go for an easy job, but that won't pay much, of course. That wouldn't be all great if I will get payed little, I won't be able to afford some extras only to get some food for my own self. And that's it. And again, I'm in a 4-crew deck and also I'm a man and supposed to be a father in future (I'm very far from this kind of responsibility though).

But all of that is just my usual sh~ttalk. I must organise myself instead of sitting here for another month, week, day. It's of no use. I should be able to get going, I'm not that old and weak just yet.

F***.