Ding!

Finally something new

Alright, alright, I get it: this day was something special. In fact, it's the dawn of something much more bizarre and beautiful. You remember how some weird sh*t started to pop out in this so-called Blog? Oh, I fully understand why that happened right about now. I will no longer hold myself, so I'll be as poetic as I need to be: how could I have been so blind?! I had to wait until it would just hit my eyes with a baseball bat, isn't it? It's all so funny.

I figured something. I was kept in a f@%*ing loophole for more than 10 years, and what for? The time has come to spice things up. I no longer need to find any excuses. I can go full berserk on this sh*t.

The descent into madness

It's a pretty damn common thing. Someone said (supposedly Shakespeare): the world is a theatre and we all are actors. F*ck, I even thought I need to double-check if it's the actual quote (it's not), well, guess what f*cking happened?! Oh f*ck yeah: I saw an owl.

...there was a plenty of other pictures as well, but does my experience force me to pay attention to those? Of course not. It's still this playful thing, just as before. I see how certain things come to this illusionary stage in a bright light, while other decorations fade to black all of a sudden. And I know it's not just me who makes this beatiful play, but it's only me who will understand. This way, I'd like to flip this supposed Shakespeare saying. No, it's not the world that is a stage. It's us, men and women, that are the stage; and the world plays many parts in each and single one of us.

...I guess there's a subtle reason why exactly I was born on April.

Who is the master who makes the grass green?

Now, I spoke earlier that I have no power over this world. That is true, but here's a correction: that doesn't mean I cannot change certain parts of it. And more specifically, this does not mean I cannot control the map of this world in my freakish head.

I do not pretend to be some kind of a wise owl myself, f@*k no! I don't understand anything. I only have interpretations, which are, in their respective ways, purely subjective. Does this still sound meaningful, or it's just this static noise everyone produces? Guess I'll never care about that anymore.

Maybe I am not a good pupil after all, but one way or another, I have to thank all my teachers. My family, my friends, neighbours, enemies, strangers (remote and local alike). I must also include the ones who are no longer in this mortal world in flesh and bone, but in words and deeds, rather. Come to think about it, it was quite a difficult job, but you guys pulled it off. Thanks!

...What's up next?

Well, I have to say this: the future appears to be much brighter now. You know how I always refused to listen to all this crap about how I should live? All of my teachers have their own point of view in one prospect or another, but why do I have to only pick one?! They're all right and they're all wrong. The proportion and the momentum are the only things that matter. So, this is what lies ahead: a good game to play.

You know I'm a gamer, right? A new game just started. I cannot say I came unprepared for it, though: I had to play a few demo levels in the past. Now it's only getting wider, that's it. And there won't be any checkpoints or save/load bullsh*t, we're doing a single playthrough this time around. I don't need to create anything new. Instead, I have to open the doors that were locked up. I need to set my demons free and let my angels sing their songs. Poetic, is it not? I am going to set all of it loose and see what happens. All the puzzle pieces are on the table now. This is a major step to take, but we don't have a choice, in fact.

...What is better, indeed? Better a witty fool than a foolish wit? To remain in sanity and fill the cup with all this misery and suffering that certainly floats around, or let your mind be free as the wind and fill your life with motions instead? I have already found an answer, and today I am awake to accept it. It's how that song says, "we will never survive, unless we get a little crazy". And I am taking this pill, even if it kills me. Because even if I die, will that change anything?

Our new journey just began.

Will it eventually come together at the end...?

So, it's been quite some time.

Nothing changes much. Nothing persists.

I wonder how much longer will it take. Last morning was one of the worst mornings I had for about an year. There are multiple ways "The Universe" could remind you how pathetic and pointless your life is; pissing yourself is one of those. ...Yeah. that sounds f@%*ing awful. I did not spend much time thinking about whether I should or should not share details like that one above, but - heck! - I'll die sooner or later so does it matter?

Human experience did not presented me with much miracles so far, rather constantly reminding me of the nature of my temporary existence. It's not that I wake up in my own filth all the time, this doesn't happen all too often (thankfully), but I still have my stomach to feed, my teeth to brush, cuticles to cut, and so forth.

In this constant process of these vicious cycles, you sooner or later realise that you, yourself, is a disposable thing. It's not long before your body will be destructed and consumed, one way or another. I have to live with this idea right from my birth, knowing I will end up dead. I have to keep in mind that my existence and my consciousness will end up eventually, and this is an axiom; you don't need to prove this.

Then why do I have to keep suffering?

OK, there is that edge we approach right about now, where it gets strange. First off, I'd like to state that I am fully aware that I am not the most suffering creature on this godforsaken planet. Of course, I do realise that there have been (and will be, presumably) those who are suffering harder than me. Someone who was drained of hope, who witnessed their beloved ones die, who endured terrible acts of violence. It's a pretty simple idea, but it still doesn't help you out. Why? Because when speaking about such subjects as the "meaning of life", you will only talk about yours and only yours subjective view of the matter, so you cannot tap into someone else's at full.

...With that out of the way, let me continue. So. I am in my twenties, and I got nothing. I still have no job (if that is not obvious enough), I have no money in the bank, no cornerstones and no achievements. All I got is my father paying my bills, my mother who is often too forgiving and my little brother who still is too young. Now, I could have been a pretty happy man, I suppose. That did not happen, however, and on the top of that - I am not alone. In fact, I was quite surprised to discover that there are lots and lots of folks of both genders with thoughts similar to those of my mind. I mean, I always knew about goths, ok? but this is different.

In fact, a large part of Earth's population is not just "sad", but in a severe depression, all the while their lives are in an approximate middle of the average lifespan. Many of them even have a job, a family, a good position in social structures. But they still have to bear this whole "suffering" feeling. Why? If we all know what we are coming towards in each individual "journey" (because me personally don't know any single case of someone who came back from the dead; maybe these accounts are just too well hidden), where's the point of pushing forward?

Endure

Now I'd like to make a little detour. Just a few days ago, one of my all-time favourite artists released the new music album. I strongly feel like this is one of those cases where I must say this event was of utter importance to me. This is something that helps to live, in general. Somehow this music always helped me to seal off my worst intentions. There are lots and lots of details I'd like to come around when speaking about this given music artist, but I'll save it for a better time.

This album reminded me that there's still hope. I spoke about such theme before, so I gonna have to repeat myself, but anyway. We should do our best to try and live our lives no matter how hard it hits. To say the least, each life is an opportunity: maybe your kid is a great musician, but we'll never know if he commits suicide, right? I guess we need to get our sh*t together so we secure these chances, not just give up and waste the potential. A bullet to the head is the easiest solution, but is this valuable?

This is one of the reasons why we are still here as species. If we all come to the point where all hope is lost, that will be the end of humanity. Until then, each and single one of us has his/her(its?) right to take the chances. I guess this is also an easy thought experiment; too bad some people never had their chance to believe in this.

Back to me

I take too many things from outside world personally. At some degree, everything I ever percieved is completely personal. However, it's not that this whole wretched world is under my full control. Damn, I couldn't even commit suicide -- Why? The main reason at this point of time is my brother. He just doesn't deserve this. I don't want this situation to arise where his brother was a 20-something years old bastard who did not have the nerve to stay strong and just killed himself. What kind of f@%*ing example is that?! And also, things I described in previous piece of text. One day or another, the moment will come anyway, why do I have to make it all faster? more than that, even while I never comitted a serious crime, I bet I still got quite a company of people who would like to get rid of me. How do I know if they could or could not succeed? Ha ha ha.

So, it's another case where I sat down to my old computer and typed some stupid words that I don't even use to the fullest (I mean, I am not that good with English). I tried to express what I feel. I do this again and again, as you may guess, and it never works. I am not unique in my quest to find out what this whole "life" phenomenon even means. There have been many and many others all around the world who shared their visions, their views, their hopes and their bullsh*t too. I have to keep that in mind, as well as I have to keep in mind that I might die literally any minute, from whatever the f*ck reason there might be, so I am - up to this day and furthermore, if I'm lucky - trying to guess will it ever have a proper ending sequence.

All my actions, as small as they are, lead somewhere. I refuse to think otherwise. I used to, but by realising you're a little noname with no fate of any sort, why won't you just go dig a hole and die there? Right? Therefore, I must live on. Whatever little pathetic creature I am. I have my health issues, big and small, but I am still here and alive. I happen to be a 24 years old thin human with troubled skin right now, but what if I might become something more meaningful? There's still a place for dreams even in a heart as small and rotten as mine.