...Pretty short post.

I watched Kung Fury tonight and also did a drawing for a wonderful person from another part of the world. I feel pretty happy as of now.

What I enjoy in my life.

Hello.

Life is hard to define. I mean, generally. It's something that depends more on
your correspondence rather than itself. It's always a matter of what we, human,
put into the term of "life". In any sense, even stricktly biological.

Life is full of misery.

What I see throughout my life, anywhere I look, is that we suffer all too often.
Some people live their life like rats, disapproved, abandoned, forgotten.
Some people lose their relatives, their children. To wars, or diseases, or accidents.
Some people live their lives in supreme comfort, yet they feel like they
would be better off dead, regardless.

Can't say I'm one of them, anyway. I'm the one who stands on the other side
and watches this sorrow obscure the living in the distance. I can't help or
do anything about this, because the amount is too much. Maybe I could've
helped someone, but it would mean nothing in the long run. Life remains
a very dark and grimy substance, as of my usual viewing.

I'm not all that depressed. I know the other thing: life is also quite a gem.
A shape with countless dimensions. You can try and turn it around to see
some better place, some safety. Some joy. But you only pretend bad things
are not happening; you do not make them disappear. This is how things are.

...And yet

As much as I do think about it, I enjoy quite a lot of stuff. I talk about my
own personal life here. I ain't a martyr. I have my own personal fears, however.
Insecurity. Self-doubt. Phobias. I have to deal with it and manage to overcome.

What I like the most, is that I have friends. With all my weaknesses, I still
managed to make some great friends. This is probably the best phenomena
in my life.

I love the age I live in. It has many flaws, but it's also great for the technologies
it brings and for the people who have use of it. It does look like it's getting
faster and faster and the planet spinning. I don't think I would've contact
my friends from other countries if we were in 80s or 90s. So it's great.

And sometimes I like the fact I live as it is. I'm probably not in the best position
for judging at the moment, but I think my life got pretty much a worthful
journey. I know many good people and I like that I can talk to them.
Thank you. Maybe I'm not all that thankful enough sometimes, but you
should know that I appreciate our friendship.

And the rest of the world... I hope it doesn't make it all waste.

Peace.

Low risks and low rewards

Hi.

I was at work when the mechanical monster arm broke down and we had to cancel
the cutting for robot maintenance. So I hopped into my phone and went to Instagram.
Long story short, I've found myself on some random girl's page (at least, it was designed as such).
It has no other posts than pictures with black and white texts, all filled with depression
and suicidal thoughts. Tried to contact her, she(?) actually did respond and maybe even
truly said "thank you" for my small comment about "not giving up". Still can't decide
to think if it was a fake or real.

...But that's not what I was going to post.

I live a life free of high risks. You know, I never been that guy who comes back home
after midnight and eventually gets in beating with some mobs on the streets.
I never did any extreme sports or anything. Never even broke a bone.
I was raised with a rather "correct" mindset of not hurting myself for no reason,
and that's what I like. However, sometimes I wish I was more... impulsive.
Otherwise I often feel like I am a coward.

I sometimes risk my life without noticing it, though. Like, when I go across a street
and don't look around for any cars approaching. Could've been taken out with a smash
quite a few times. Oh, well. Thing is, it's not only about your... umm... physical life.
I don't do anything extreme with my soul, if you could put it in words like that.
Usually I just stuck in my "comfort zone" and never try to break out to reach
something that worths the effort.

Expectations and where they lead you

As your life goes further, you learn to expect things. You learn to
take note of how it could turn out before trying to do something.
Almost like if you could predict events (don't fool yourself, you can't).
It's not a bad thing after all, but it has a major negative side-effect.
With each failure you have experienced whilst trying to accomplish something,
you learn that it's "not for you", and eventually you give up. Not all the time,
but also quite often. And there you lose it. You lose your chance.
Not because you can't do something, but because your brain expects
you would fail it.

And that is what happens to me. Everytime I want to make something
"big", I try it, I fail it, and next time I don't even try because I decided
in my imagination that I would fail again. Too bad.

This is why you stick to easy things

Something easy can't frustrate you this much if you fail it.
And it's... well, it's easy to get successful with easy things
rather than hard things. "Hard things"... seriously? I should
read more books, I'm starting to lose it.

What I was trying to say, is that most of the time I choose
an easy way of living rather than challenging, and it's not
something I wished to live like. I need to change my way
of perceiving in order to change my way of living.
So I can take higher rewards from this miserable life, even if this
requires higher risks.

Hope you understood. Cause I didn't. A long time.

 

Why is this even happening... again?

Greetings.

My name is Andrey Zhdanov, aged 23 at the moment.
Born in Saint-Petersburg city, Russia (don't really think it could be lies,
yet I don't remember the moment itself). Currently occupied,
not married, not even in dreams. Living in an old type of "communist" house
with a wide arrange of neighbours right on your doorstep,with parents and brother
(thanks I now have a sep room anyway).

Quite a sensitive info I gave by now, even without further details.
However, if someone had / would have malicious intents against me,
they'd found me easily without these text notes, so who gonna care.
And even more than that, I expect the only person who'd read this in future -
that'll be me, so it's just something to remember and nothing new.
Right, Andy?

Blog?

 

Okay now, on to the topic. Why am I doing this? Came outta nowhere.
5 minutes ago (or something) I've just put 'blog' on Google and later on
I stuck here, typing these letters with a feeling of "being a stupid or,
at least, silly person" in the background. I'm not even sure: if the language
I chose... - do I actually speak it? I do not pretend to be grammatically accurate,
but I also could mess up words. Sorry. But it must be enough to understand
what my thoughts are, therefore it will do the trick.

I'm a strange guy. Supposedly. A bit more than a month from now, back in
time, I was sitting at the same PC and I was creating this steam group.
I tried to explain this to myself as I had a need to make a bit more space
to manage my "gaming". What kind of stupid task that is? Thing is,
"gaming" is quite practically the only thing I do for last couple of years.

I always been egoistic more than enough, as I could judge it.
Of course, there were (are) other people, and I do care for them too,
trying to make myself usefull from time to time, and such. But...
The impact which I have on people around me is far smaller than
the one I have on myself. Ugh... Probably should put it in a suitable form:
I always been... reflective. Too much reflective. So here's how I ended up here.

...Funny.

Whatsoever plans.

 

I like texts. I like typing texts. Not mechanically, though.
I mean, I like to put my thoughts on paper or on screen. This way.
I can "virtually" put away something out of my head, and... Stop
thinking about it, my guess. And, with most recent course of my
life, I think I really need this. So, I'll do this. I'll do this blog.

It's zero use for people who are not me. Strange way of saying it.
No, really. Thing is, I'm a man who needs to talk from time to time.
We all do (humans huh). My case problem is that I reduced my
human surroundings to a very small count of men and women,
and I comprehend that they are fed up with my cheap talks already.
You (someone else) may read this, of course, but I cannot imagine
any scenario why would you.

The recordings will keep on being public accessibility.
I do this without some purpose, I just don't know why I shouldn't
make it public if it's an interwebs blog. Oh, well.

Kind of a conclusion, because all of this comedy

already makes me feel sad, and it should be ended

as soon as possible.

Here's the last part of this. I did it before.
Meaning typos, memos, notes. Hell, I even have
a handwritten diary. Stopped writing at age of 20.
The last recording was a single word, and this word
is something you don't want in your newspaper.
When I read those, I understand that I keep on circling
around the same things. Over and over. For years.
And I never seemed to "heal".

Something's not quite right with my personality.
Read books. Tried psychologist. Even did some exercises
to "unchain" myself. Always been a kind of failure.
Gotta start over and see where it's going now.
For my own part, regret nothing. Lived life,
free from compromise... wait, it's from another book.
I'm sorry.