$u!c!d3 Note (part 2)

What do I expect?

Nothing. I would really expect nothing-ness, though. No emotion, no thought. I don't want it anymore.

There are so many things I wanted to accomplish, but when it comes down to putting an end and you need to burn all the possible bridges, everything just fades to black. And I wish this is what I am going for. Hey, if it turns out I'll become a ghost, I most likely not going to bother anyone. Kidding.

Funny tragedy or sad comedy

I can't figure out if I need some more notes or some other sh!t for fans or haters. Does this even matter? If I get to review my short life, I probably won't make much of a story. Born, been here and there, then gone. No different from many many others. I don't feel unique now and anytime soon. What I got in my mind is a plan to leave the home early in the morning, get a railroad ticket, then walk away like 90 kilometeres and then just slice my venes.

I haven't got many things to leave behind. And I got no idea if I will be remembered. Honestly, I was trying to live my life as calm and silent as I could. I never meant no trouble and tried to stay neutral to most of things, but, I guess, I am not able furthermore. Maybe if something's will change, I'd tried to think out a better, a smarter plan. But I am going to bleed out instead. Sorry.

a few more words

I regret many things I have done (...and those yet to be done), but if I had this option to start over and live my life again by choice, I'd roll over the same path. Everything comes in place in the end, at least to some degree. There are words to describe how I feel, but they escape me. I am egoistic, I am very well aware of that. Still, I'm grateful for friendships I had and people I encountered. Too bad they can be also thunderstuck by my poor decision making. I hate to create such a disaster, but i don't see another way out.

I am kinda out of ideas

 

Well, maybe I'll write down some notes before I commit my crime, but as of now, I feel tired and empty. Need to sleep to replenish what little left of my spirit and then just "go for it". I guess I ama failure in a sense that I am setting off a very poor example. I wanted to be bold and stay strong. I wanted to carry on, but, it just makes no sense anymore. Everything lost its' value. I don't want to cut my hair or wipe my a$s. I am tired of all things, big and small. Tired from my body's limitations and my acne disease, tired to deal with my brain games, and so forth. You know how it goes. I am just out of cards to play.

 

SO... I'll just say "Goodbye" for good. Maybe next time (if there is). This one wasn't too much, I am sorry.

 

Andrey Andreevich Zhdanov

(09.04.1992 - 08.09.2017)*

_______________________

* - not set in stone, yet.

$u!c!d3 Note (part 1)

Hey there.

I'm not completely sure what I am doing here.

You know, everything I wanted to believe in, any hopes I had, the dreams I had -- all of it -- doesn't seem to matter any more. And, yes, I know what you must be thinking. So many desperate people in this world. So many fallen. So many twisted fates.

Mine wasn't a big deal, as far as I can tell. I don't believe in a "god's plan" or anything like that, now. I see passion in people who try to express the idea about someone who appears to be "almighty" and "eternally wise", but living this through tells the obvious: if there has been a god, he must be insane. But... let's leave all the trash talk to theologists and religious fanatics; one last thing I wanted to say is that IF there IS a God /*I even wrote that word a capital "G"*/, he can shove his wisdom up his a$s.

I can't say I've been thru a lot... I've already talked about it in my previous postings, so you might as well see it there.

Look at me. I am a 25 years old, thin dude with little to none respect for this miserable reality, where people kill and torture each other, and destroy or pollute everything else standing in their way. Nothing has changed. I lived long enough to see at least something that would promise a "good ending", but unless humanity changes it's DNA or something like that, there will be none. It's a dead end.

My mother was in a mental hospital. She and dad blame me for this, and sure as hell I was in charge. But does that mean I had no reason to call the ambulance? Does that mean psychiatrists lied to me? Does that mean I am a betrayer? No. Enough is enough; it's funny how this all played out. However, There's sadness in what's to come after my disappearance if I will be successful in my little endeavour.

There is a lot of things I need to point out.

First and foremost, please don't blame anyone. It's just nonsensical. If anything, blame the one who created such a world. Noone from my family should carry the weight of guilt for what I am about to perform. And of course, the one who will suffer the most is my blood brother. I am trying to be as honest as I could. He is the only human  being on this planet that really holds me. I don't want to sound cynical, I honestly don't mean to. He keeps me alive /*maybe this would sound relatable*/. I really really really don't want him to suffer. And he knows me best than anyone else. No delusions about me. He saw my anger, my despair, my calmness, my happiness. We've been through a lot together and this is why it will pain him the most when I jump off. He doesn't deserve a half of bad things that happened in his childhood. But now he becomes old enough to understand my motives and, possibly, forgive me.

My guess is I got tired from the constant search for purpose or even the most simple sense of what I am here for. I had some pretty funky ideas that many would consider a minor form of schizophrenia. And it's hard for me to understand if I really have a broken mind. Everyone lives in his own neurous system. Maybe mine is not capable to transmit all the noise so it begs me to cease the existence. I know it won't be too hard. My body is weak, just as my soul is. I am choosing the easiest solution. It won't be hard.

Not quite done yet

it's about ~21:30 around here as I am typing. I am not sure how all this going to play out, but I am very much confident that this text is not the only text I'll compose this night. To get myself d3@d is an easy deed. Though even if it's an easy deed, there's still some thought needed to be put in it. I don't think I'll reconsider, as I already did an awful lot of times. I could just open my window right now and throw myself out. It's 8th floor so I would sustain heavy injuries and most likely d!e fast enough. I am not going for it tho. At least, right now. I guess something truly magical should happen to stop me whatsoever from getting my hands on me. Like, a UFO flies right through my room and I get brainwashed by some outsource $u!c!d3 prevention staff members. And hey, I have been waiting for the World War III and it did not happen still! So unless this world collapses in a planetary thermo-nuclear war OR, let's say, a zombie virus outbreak /*I'd prefer zombie apocalypse thanks to all the media*/, I am going to put an end to my little world with my own hands.

I am most likely going to return a bit later.

Holy F@#k.

There's a ton of things going on, a lot of f@#ked up things to be precise, but I barely get enough time to sit my a$s in front of PC anymore (..you know, I used to accumulate ~150 hours per 2 weeks on Steam in recent history? those days are long gone; my current is ~30 hrs).

I want to post something here, but I'm not sure I'll be able to.

I think we're closer to some REAL world-scale conflict than ever before. I don't want to sound paranoid or whateva, but my guess is that this planet is ready for some extinction events. I can't be sure this blog even survives long enough as it is. But this must sound silly at the moment.

So, maybe next time.

See you later (if we're all lucky)!

...if they gon show up, it'd better be on July the 2nd.

Social media is full of sh~t.

Yesterday people died. As soon as it happened, a fukkton of idiots went to social media posting complete SH!T invovling their f@#&ing reveltions on politics and so forth. No moral code, no untouchable subjects, just wave after wave of ugly, perverted morons. I can't even grasp how the filth of their comments can be motivated. What a perverted mind you must have to make fun of deaths of innocent people, no matter who those people were and how they died, or where. It's just terrible.

My faith in humanity falls shorter once again.

February

Hey. I'll try to be quick since I haven't paid my ISP for service for the new month, so chances are I might disconnect any moment.

They gonna talk some about owls on TV

Just saw an advert for the upcoming local news reel here in my city where they gonna talk about people encountering more and more owls over the years. I'm guessing this will be something like: blah blah people go here and there so poor creatures have nowhere to live" etc etc etc

What it means is when I saw that owl back in 2014, it was just because of that. However, what's interesting is not the mere fact that mr. owl was in my vicinity back then; the important part is that this "encounter" led to another chain of events, and played a pivotal role. It's not a typical "cause-effect" type of lead though, since it was (and still is) actually acausal. Every synchronicity plays out like this; while each indiviual event might be very simple in nature and easily explained, the whole picture of events and ties that bind in your neural network cannot be explained that much easily. But this is just how it works.

I actually wanted to go and play Sims 3 now. Cheers!

Trumpsteria

In short,

Social media is f@cking outbursting. It was the 45th USA president's inauguration just a couple of hours ago, so no big deal that ppl make their (whatever positive or negative) statements in their tweetters or instugrams or whatever the f*ck. That's not the f@#king problem. The problem is... IT'S BEEN THE SAME F*CKSHIT FOR WELL ABOUT 4 MONTHS!

I don't even know how many of artists (actors, singers, whatver) I have unfollowed or unsubbed because of their COUNTLESS posts about Trump and how they feel about him. ...Is this what social media about, now? It's not even about cats anymore, no?

So much f*cking effort. Congratulations for nothing, jerks!

...If it's still unclear:

I DON'T F@#KING WANT TO KNOW WHETHER U "TRUMP SUPPORTER" OR NOT
I don't need your stupid a$s sh!t with Joker's voice, you mister Mark Hamill. I don't want to know if you support gays or not, Erin Richards. I don't want to see how you're about to go and protest, Jessica Chastain. I appreciated your work in ARTS, not your f**king  religion, worldview, sexual orientation or WHATEVER THE F*CK ELSE, keep it to your-f*cking-self. Why me, a little nobody from way across the ocean, even have to say this?! Isn't that f*cking obvious as f*ck that stuff like this is personal business and not a subject for advertisement? or you think I'm wrong?

Y'all have them "active social position", I get that. But why, in the name of whatever the f*ck, you keep SPAMMING the feed with your annoying whinning? Even Adam Jensen is nothing original with this. Go and protest whatever long you need, you can even make a f*cking civil war down there if you're so sure you're better than others, but why do I have to read all this f*ckery? I never asked for this.

Nuff said.