...Sorry, it's not going to be about coffee. Just didn't know what title to pick.
Read a couple of pages on Weekeepudia about different kinds of psychotic disorders, because, knowing myself, I'd sooner or later begin to worry if I'm sane. To be honest, I wanted to put another "coincedence" story on here, but later on it felt so tiny and irrelevent that it didn't even worth my attention /*I'm a boss!*/. Instead, I started to think why the hell it even bothers me at all. You see, there are other people who just... live. Like, they go to their work, come back to their homes, sleep with their spouses, go hangout somewhere on a weekend, etc. I robbed myself of it. Wanna know why? I don't think I am eligible.
More than so, I do not think it's the whole idea of living here. What was I born for? My parents had some fuzzy dificulties in their relationship, but anyway my birth was more or less NOT a coincedence. It's cynical from me to talk it this way, but who gonna care /*except me*/. Do I live here only to pay my bills and sleep with my wife? Occassionaly go to a theatre or something? Watch new Ovengers movie? There's got to be something else to it.
Most of those who I knew personally, male or female, have about the same idea of what is "good life". Pretty conventional. Most of humans do believe in same basic values, in fact. Now, of course it's not all so simple, but anyway - we eat, we breed, we die. And this is how it goes. What does it stand for? And why, gosh, why I can't just skip thinking about it and fall the same flow with others?!
It's believed that you should keep your dreams to yourself because if you have spoken of it, it might be never achieved as a result. Or something like this, with a few adjustments. Anyway. I always dreamed for something. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a scientist, or inventor (many wanted to bcoz of that movie "Honey, I shrunk the kids"). I wanted to be a badass hero kind of guy, because of Xmen and Murtal Kombat. Growing up a little, I wanted to stick with flash animation and make a career in game development (nothing unusual for our age). Later, I wanted to be a psychologist. Or, at least, I told myself I did. And now, all the while I could still apply to any of those jobs (ha ha ha), I dream to be a writer.
I kind of guessed where all that comes from, but still it's not really promising. Especially when I am so self-aware that I know I will keep on doubting and eventually hit a dead end, just like with everything else. And where all that doubt comes from? From the same source that caused the first part of this post. I don't necessarily believe in what others believe, I do not share the same vision of "success" and this causes to think there's something deeply wrong with me. And from there, I doubt everything else. I even comprehend how to overcome that feeling but still it won't help to stand down and focus on basic material values, instead of keep on trying to grasp something you can't see or touch.
What also strikes me down, is that all my seizuring and coughing in here wouldn't have any value either. Essentialy. Though I wish I could come back here one day and see this and just laugh, in fact it's just the same story told in a bit different words. Every time, even now. For that, I sometimes wish I could erase my own memory, like I erase my private messages or e-mails or whatever. But I cannot. I can pretend I forgot, but it will always prevail. So, unless third world war starts soon and I would have to go and die for my country, I should really come up with something, or else I will totally lose my mind and no blog or therapist will save me. People will treat me like a madman, fill my mouth with pills and brainwash me till I finally become nothing but a ghost. Scary sh!t.
Bye.
I was checking out some stuff...
Read a couple of pages on Weekeepudia about different kinds of psychotic disorders, because, knowing myself, I'd sooner or later begin to worry if I'm sane. To be honest, I wanted to put another "coincedence" story on here, but later on it felt so tiny and irrelevent that it didn't even worth my attention /*I'm a boss!*/. Instead, I started to think why the hell it even bothers me at all. You see, there are other people who just... live. Like, they go to their work, come back to their homes, sleep with their spouses, go hangout somewhere on a weekend, etc. I robbed myself of it. Wanna know why? I don't think I am eligible.
More than so, I do not think it's the whole idea of living here. What was I born for? My parents had some fuzzy dificulties in their relationship, but anyway my birth was more or less NOT a coincedence. It's cynical from me to talk it this way, but who gonna care /*except me*/. Do I live here only to pay my bills and sleep with my wife? Occassionaly go to a theatre or something? Watch new Ovengers movie? There's got to be something else to it.
Most of those who I knew personally, male or female, have about the same idea of what is "good life". Pretty conventional. Most of humans do believe in same basic values, in fact. Now, of course it's not all so simple, but anyway - we eat, we breed, we die. And this is how it goes. What does it stand for? And why, gosh, why I can't just skip thinking about it and fall the same flow with others?!
I wish I was good at writing
It's believed that you should keep your dreams to yourself because if you have spoken of it, it might be never achieved as a result. Or something like this, with a few adjustments. Anyway. I always dreamed for something. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a scientist, or inventor (many wanted to bcoz of that movie "Honey, I shrunk the kids"). I wanted to be a badass hero kind of guy, because of Xmen and Murtal Kombat. Growing up a little, I wanted to stick with flash animation and make a career in game development (nothing unusual for our age). Later, I wanted to be a psychologist. Or, at least, I told myself I did. And now, all the while I could still apply to any of those jobs (ha ha ha), I dream to be a writer.
I kind of guessed where all that comes from, but still it's not really promising. Especially when I am so self-aware that I know I will keep on doubting and eventually hit a dead end, just like with everything else. And where all that doubt comes from? From the same source that caused the first part of this post. I don't necessarily believe in what others believe, I do not share the same vision of "success" and this causes to think there's something deeply wrong with me. And from there, I doubt everything else. I even comprehend how to overcome that feeling but still it won't help to stand down and focus on basic material values, instead of keep on trying to grasp something you can't see or touch.
One other thing
What also strikes me down, is that all my seizuring and coughing in here wouldn't have any value either. Essentialy. Though I wish I could come back here one day and see this and just laugh, in fact it's just the same story told in a bit different words. Every time, even now. For that, I sometimes wish I could erase my own memory, like I erase my private messages or e-mails or whatever. But I cannot. I can pretend I forgot, but it will always prevail. So, unless third world war starts soon and I would have to go and die for my country, I should really come up with something, or else I will totally lose my mind and no blog or therapist will save me. People will treat me like a madman, fill my mouth with pills and brainwash me till I finally become nothing but a ghost. Scary sh!t.
Bye.
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