For all the things I have in my head

...I've just had three days of full 12-hour dayshifts and I'm tired as hell.
It's not even that I overworked too much; I just need more sleep and some
relaxing, I guess. Already emptied a 0,5 litre can of beer.

Noone is going to help you, help yourself

I am silly. You know, sometimes I wonder how come I am so silly at my 23th
year of living on this damned planet. Just about last thursday, I was in tears
in my bed, like a little teenager girl. I shrinked, and twisted and turned, like
I was in some kind of movie and director pushed me to act like I am in agony.
It was pathethic. My head was filled over with all the regrets, all the misery,
all the senseless missteps and all that kind of s$%#. It looked like my brain
focused itself around the fact of my mere existence so hard, so I never ever could
stop thinking about anything but my self and how I relate to others.

I hate it. I hate it so much and I'm tired of that - to make this thinking.
I mean, you have to care how you act for yourself and how you treat others.
You may tell that sometimes it doesn't matter, and people just do whatever s%&@
they wanna do. But, hey, stop fooling yourself! In fact, it's the only thing that makes
your... self. Your understanding of yourself is ALWAYS bound to how you
relate to other people, or, quite more precisely - how other people react to you.
Starting with your parents when you was born.

...And then, after you think you've grown up enough, you start this pathethic selfish
s%$# that will go forever until you die. "Did I look clumsy?", "What this person
thinks about me, I wonder?", "Could've I just stop shouting at my brother that time?
Was it necessary?", "Would I ever have a good sleep again?", "Is that my life?",
"Why am I keep asking myself these stupid questions?!", "When will that end?!"...

And I am tired to take handle of this. Usually, people just talk out their doubts
to their friends or doctors or something. For me, I just f*$^%d it up by now,
and most of my friends probably wanna kill me for that. Sometimes I even get
a feeling that I use them in the way you use a toilet paper to wipe your s%^#.
Nasty, isn't it? So instead of trying to talk it out, I am typing it out on this stupid
screen with my stupid keyboard. I think I might need help. But I don't want to bother.
So I'll pretend I would help myself. Just like everyone else in the world, maybe
just a slightly different way.

To have and to hold

 

Isn't that easy to just let go? Let go all the things that can't allow you to sleep

in the night? Let go all of that deep&*%t from the bottom of the lake that

keeps popping up, even when you don't want to bring it on the table? Ha.

I wish it was as easy as that.

 

Problem is, it will never be effective enough. I think, even in future, if you could

have a technology to wipe half of your brain to get rid of bad memories.

You can try hypnosis (is that a right name?) or some spiritual practice or get

some church talks, I don't know.... Either way, it's always just a trick,

nothing more. You can't change, honestly. Even if your personality will

suffer some severe damage when you get a bullet in your lobe or something,

it will be still you. Just another part of your identity, that was kept in shadows

by that mind of yours. It's funny how some people think their brain works:

they think you just can forget all the s&%^ you've been into and live happily

ever after. Nope. It will never go away, it will be stored. It's just a question

of how often you'll return to it. And you certainly will, just have a prayer

it won't be as painful as in my case.

 

...So what's the deal?

 

If you read my previous posts, you probably could get a rather solid picture.

I am a... worried man. I worry about... me. It's not that I suffered some terrible

child trauma and my psyche is permanently wounded. No. Never been into a war

or some serious loss. Never lived in sewers. A fine kid of its time, I am.

And still, I have so much painful feelings from time to time, like if I was here

to take it all and live only to suffer. Probably I am bad at describing the

emotional overthrows I sometimes have. Frankly, each living and breathing

human being feels the same. Hope you won't misjudge my typos.

 

It's just... Please let me leave it here. I know it won't make me stronger,

but I just want to put these ridiculous dragons I have flying in my head to get some brief

rest to my brain, before it shuts down eternally. I still have hopes and dreams,

I am not dead yet, thanks to <whatever>. Maybe I'd be lucky enough

to find some peace and end this meaningless struggle prior to its' natural end.

 

My language most likely was rubbish here, for that I do apologize.

It could be beer. Brings some bad words to the front lines.

Wish I was a better writer.