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I was playing R6: Siege...

...and I had the lowest score all the way thru. And we (me and friend) weren't even playing competetive multiplayer, it was Terrorist Hunt mode vs. bots. The diff. was set to 'Hard', but that doesn't excuse anything. I don't know how it's all related, but I was so frustrated, so the only place I could've gone to is this blog.

You know, I never normally care about my K/D Ratios and scores and sh*t like that (partly because I know I won't be on the top 3 anyway on the score table for nearly 99% of the time), but recent failures in playing videogames... f**k, now how low is that?! But as I was saying, recent failures correspond perfectly to my current "real life" situation. Back about three weeks ago I was working, and now I just don't know where to go in search for a new job. I just don't know.

I feel like noone's going to hire me. I know that this is not a mood you're looking for when in search for a good place to work, but I can't help it. The scary thing is that I know all this sh*t from inside out, but can't do anything to pull myself together and get on my fkn legs upright. My usual programm for more than two weeks now is:

1. play videogames
2. go to sleep at 4 am
3. wake up at 4 pm
4. play videogames

By "videogames" I mean actually PC games, as I don't have any consoles. Still, my monitor is actually a TV screen as well, so that works.

I am disgraced once more for humping this poor blog again with my misery, but as stated above, I'm not doing much else either way so why not. My feelings are blurred. I still got a hope for a better day tommorow (relatively speaking), but I know that for now I'm BOTH LEGS in sh*t up to my knees level. So I was also hoping that maybe while I'm doing nothing good in real world, maybe I can achieve something on the screen -- but no, no sir.

Back about some sh*t talk I made earlier on.

So hey! I've been reading my blog over again. And, uh, it seemed pretty fkd up. I learned that I am not really careful giving false promises and also generally not being accurate with how I think about certain things. And - hell - I won't pull any examples here. Because... F**k that. I am reading how I don't really like blogs and sh!t because people spread their sh*t over, but next up I state that I like blogs because it's awesome to hear someone out.

Such ambivalence (that spelled right?) pursues me on every road I take. Maybe that is a side-effect from my general life position. I don't really have a "life position". What I have is a sh!tty concept, where noone's opinion ever matters because at the end of the day it's just a different version that does not cover the entire thing. The enitre life thing. So this follows up with next thoughts which are
1) nothing is true; 2)if nothing is true, having an opinion is a "bad" thing; 3) but if nothing is true, having an opinion is also a "good" thing; 4) nothing is EVER true.

With that wheel in my head (that obviously never helps much) I keep on rolling and rolling an' rolling. By the way, I'm also not quite logical, and I can see that in this little article, as well as throughout my blog, as well as throughout my life in general. That also won't contribute in maintaining a life full of happiness and cakes. I started this "essay" with a game, which subtitle is "Siege". I like this word. It kinda describes what situation I got in my brain. I wish it was safe to say that I am constantly looking for a way to get out, but that might also be a foolish lie.

One more thing. Specifically about my previous "2015 la la la" post. I thought about it today again, because this evening I've read a similarly themed post on Feisbuk from an artist that I like. It was good and cincere and all things. SO I came back to my post in my mind and... Well, I just have to admit I forgot to add some good things. But does it matter? Yeah I already asked that. And I think I know what the answer is.

Hey, maybe I'll just stop one day. Maybe.